I am done - literally don’t care anymore

[Anonymous]

It's a catch 22 Op. You're snapping at the kids b/c they're misbehaving (or just being normal kids). They yearn for your undivided attention since Dh isn't around and you spend a lot of/too much time with newborn. So they act up in boredom, no predictable routine, no outlet to runoff energy.

You need a new strategy . What is your normal weekend routine (ie when your kids weren't in school)? You can't play silly games outside in the yard while baby sleeps in the stroller (or in the Bjorn?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

Well, could someone explain? I mean the world has grinded to a halt so please tell me what these fancy schmancy overly priced law firms with a teeming army of paralegals, LAs, and top notch lawyers doing? And are all of them THAT busy to work 12+ a day? Every single one of them?

Given the ages of the DCs, OP’s DH is not a partner and can’t pass work off to associates. The legal world has not grinder to a halt in the least particularly in Big Law. Clients are nervous and calling, things like contracts are being renegotiated or sought, don’t even start on insurance craziness (businesses shut down and seeking insurance coverage, wills and estates (need one with the threat of dying or dealing with a death), bankruptcy law stops for nothing, patent law (hello new drugs for the virus), the Courts and deadlines are ongoing...motions to draft and argue, virtual depositions to take, more ZOOM conferences required. There is also ongoing mergers, dealing with a international clients and supply/chain issues as well as defaults on payments and debt covenants. There are also HR and liability issues galore. No the legal world has not grounded to a halt, it’s gotten busier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

I guess that I also don't understand this. His wife is depressed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women post partum, and, frankly, OP seems high risk. What is he going to do if she dies, and he has to take care of the kids? He really cannot possibly take any time off?

The solution isn’t him losing his job, it’s to get help...OP needs to get a virtual therapist she can meet with when DCs are asleep and she needs to cut out the night feedings. She also should hire someone to live-in even if it’s for 3 months. Put the crib in her room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids

Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.

Then he needs to stop being the hero at your expense. My husband and I are both trying to be realistic about juggling our work and telling people no when we need to. We haven't had our nanny in two weeks and we have two kids at home. It's not easy but sometimes you just have to say you can't do something. These are extraordinary circumstances. He needs to be prioritizing you and not his work.

Op here - yes I could see why they have high suicide rates.

This!

You aren't even getting any of the credit for all of the work you are doing. This is why doctors wives have incredibly high suicide rates, BTW.

This is really, really hard. Life is going to get a LOT better in the next few years, even if nothing changes with your husband.

Please take care of yourself, OP.

Take some time to call your mom or your best friend. Your kids can watch TV and your husband can watch them for a little bit. You are doing an amazing thing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

I guess that I also don't understand this. His wife is depressed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women post partum, and, frankly, OP seems high risk. What is he going to do if she dies, and he has to take care of the kids? He really cannot possibly take any time off?

The solution isn’t him losing his job, it’s to get help...OP needs to get a virtual therapist she can meet with when DCs are asleep and she needs to cut out the night feedings. She also should hire someone to live-in even if it’s for 3 months. Put the crib in her room.

Why can't he do any of these things? Find live-in help? Find a therapist?

He had enough time to father three children...

[Anonymous]

It's the lack of sleep. Your husband needs to get up with the newborn one or two nights a week (minimum) so that you can get a solid block of uninterrupted sleep. Pump if you aren't already and/or formula feed. Whatever works.

Paper plates, plastic cups for the 3 and 5 year old. Give them easy meals - peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with some fruit. Pre-peeled hard boiled eggs.

Your husband can and should be helping with laundry.

A 3 and 5 year old do not need to do school work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

I guess that I also don't understand this. His wife is depressed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women post partum, and, frankly, OP seems high risk. What is he going to do if she dies, and he has to take care of the kids? He really cannot possibly take any time off?

The solution isn’t him losing his job, it’s to get help...OP needs to get a virtual therapist she can meet with when DCs are asleep and she needs to cut out the night feedings. She also should hire someone to live-in even if it’s for 3 months. Put the crib in her room.

Why can't he do any of these things? Find live-in help? Find a therapist?

He had enough time to father three children...

You really cannot delegate finding a therapist to someone else. And, as a Mother...no way would I trust DH to pick out a caregiver on his own...just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

I guess that I also don't understand this. His wife is depressed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women post partum, and, frankly, OP seems high risk. What is he going to do if she dies, and he has to take care of the kids? He really cannot possibly take any time off?

The solution isn’t him losing his job, it’s to get help...OP needs to get a virtual therapist she can meet with when DCs are asleep and she needs to cut out the night feedings. She also should hire someone to live-in even if it’s for 3 months. Put the crib in her room.

Why can't he do any of these things? Find live-in help? Find a therapist?

He had enough time to father three children...

You really cannot delegate finding a therapist to someone else. And, as a Mother...no way would I trust DH to pick out a caregiver on his own...just no.

Yes you can delegate finding a therapist to someone else.
And I am confident that this man is sufficiently type A to find a quality caregiver for his children. This is not unreasonable in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

Well, could someone explain? I mean the world has grinded to a halt so please tell me what these fancy schmancy overly priced law firms with a teeming army of paralegals, LAs, and top notch lawyers doing? And are all of them THAT busy to work 12+ a day? Every single one of them?

NP. Read the thread. Plenty of us have explained how lawyers are just as busy as ever - and some of us more so are much busier than normal. Maybe your world has grounded to a halt but not everything has. Also, with everyone working remotely, it’s not as easy to hand stuff off to support staff or junior associates.

I absolutely do not condone the DH’s behavior here but just want to correct this notion that there’s suddenly little work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can DH take more paternity leave? COVID leave? My guess is that he could take more time off he just feels pressure (internal or external) not to.

Another poster that doesn’t understand law firm culture.

I guess that I also don't understand this. His wife is depressed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in women post partum, and, frankly, OP seems high risk. What is he going to do if she dies, and he has to take care of the kids? He really cannot possibly take any time off?

The solution isn’t him losing his job, it’s to get help...OP needs to get a virtual therapist she can meet with when DCs are asleep and she needs to cut out the night feedings. She also should hire someone to live-in even if it’s for 3 months. Put the crib in her room.

Why? This job is hurting his family. Why is it so important that he keeps this job to the detriment of his wife and children? The house? The cars?
There are a lot of jobs out there. Maybe he could even watch the kids and OP could get a job.

[Anonymous]

OP, just chill out. Let the kids watch TV and eat sandwiches. Nap in the room with the toddlers while the baby sleeps. Don’t make it harder on yourself. Have one hour a day to pick up. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

It's fine OP.

No one will die if they watch lots of TV and don't bother with worksheets.

[Anonymous]

I have three seven and under and I’m expecting in July. Today the three of them had a scream-a-thon in our basement and I almost went insane. All house rules are being abandoned as I’m now in survival mode. Yesterday I found out that my summer mother’s helper can’t take the job so I’m back to square one. My husband is an essential worker and is away all day.The weather has been crappy so we can’t even be outside. Finally, the people who determined that alcohol is bad for pregnant women should be shot or worse be put in charge of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three seven and under and I’m expecting in July. Today the three of them had a scream-a-thon in our basement and I almost went insane. All house rules are being abandoned as I’m now in survival mode. Yesterday I found out that my summer mother’s helper can’t take the job so I’m back to square one. My husband is an essential worker and is away all day.The weather has been crappy so we can’t even be outside. Finally, the people who determined that alcohol is bad for pregnant women should be shot or worse be put in charge of my children.

Nobody forced you to have so many children. You sound pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Don’t understand the therapy suggestion. OP will say my husband works too much and doesn’t help with the kids, and the therapist will say...? Unless you mean a marriage counselor who will knock some sense into the DH.