Picky eaters at friends houses

[Anonymous]

Growing up, I was very skinny, and didn’t eat a huge variety of food. I didn’t grow up in a Western culture, but my mom was pretty no-nonsense about food. She hated cooking, and wasn’t about to accommodate unreasonable demands. So, I was that 70 lbs. teenager (it just occurred to me that my 10 year old weighs now, what I weighed at 15), who never fussed about foods, but also just did not eat if the foods I liked wasn’t around. Fortunately, there were a few staples I loved, and I ate fruits like they were going out of style, and we always had an abundance of those.

As an adult, I eat a wide variety of foods, but my palate is still considerably more limited than my husband’s, who eats pretty much everything. For instance, I don’t drink beer/wine/liquor - they all taste bitter. Even dessert wine. DH loves eggplant, but it tastes bitter to me. I don’t drink sodas, because the bubbliness is unpleasant. And so on.

So, I sympathize when my child says ‘This is not to my liking’, because well, it probably isn’t, and she isn’t making shit up to be difficult. I’m sure she’d love to blend in and eat hot dogs like all the ‘normal’ kids. So, the rule is that she is not allowed to be rude, but she is allowed to say ‘No, thank you!’. And if that leaves her hungry, that’s why we pack snacks. At least did, when she was little.

[Anonymous]

How rude are you exactly. I could understand if there were allergies, but this is too rude. This is why your kid is a picky eater. It's you, not your kid who created this.

[Anonymous]

For a 3 year old, this should be no problem. My 10 year old is INSANELY picky. He has severe ADHD and anxiety and eats very few foods, and those foods cannot be touching one another. We do not bring special food for him. He can eat before or after we go to a host's house, and he can politely decline what is there and just drink water or milk while the rest of us have dinner. I really wish he ate more types of food, but we have worked with a doctor and psychologist, and nothing has helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did this picky stuff become a thing? Was this a thing when you all were growing up? I don't remember it being a thing when I was growing up, we just ate what was there or went hungry and that was pretty much it. One of my grandmothers did the short order cook thing but she liked doing that for us kids and it made staying at her house fun.

+1

Personally, I think all of this is made up hype - textural this, sensory that... We've created a generation where it's ok for things to be *disgusting* and to be refused - by constantly serving instead/carrying along the *most palatable foods* (some combo of fat/sugar carbs that lights up the - goldfish, crackers, cheerios, buttered noodles, chicken tenders).

On a totally unrelated note, it seems to me that, if we've got so many kids who have sensory, add, adhd, on the spectrum, etc. issues - and it's not about parenting - I think we need to rethink what are doing environmentally that is causing such a high percentage of our population to have so many issues.

ITA

Why do so many American restaurants now have kid menus when they didn't before? Part of it is because parents only feed their kids five things that you see on the kids menus.

Kid menus are really only a thing in the US, though now we seem to be exporting that gem as well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens and would not eat a mushroom/vegetable casserole. Or any casserole. I can't believe your friend served that and was mad that the kids didn't want to eat it. Of course the kids didn't want to eat it!

Then the issue is with your teens, not the friend who served it. It's not like that is a different "ethnic" food with "weird" spices.

My teens would eat some of that casserole because we taught them to eat a variety of foods from early on and that you eat what you are served.

Barring any SN and spicy food, kids should eat a bit of what they are served. I don't like certain foods, either, but I will certainly eat a bit of something at a dinner, and so will my kids.

In that case, my kids would eat salad. They would take a small bit and have a tiny bite to be polite but I honestly don't even know people who eat casseroles. It is a style of cooking that was in vogue in the 60s with a bunch of cream of mushroom soup cans of stuff.

I like casseroles but I would say that they actually are weird now. Sort of like how tomato aspic was ubiquitous and now it is a novelty.

That dish is an unusual one to serve at a dinner party, but that's the thing, you never what kind of food is going to be available where you are so you teach your kids to eat what's available.

We travel to foreign countries, and many of restaurants in those countries don't have a kid menu or what Americans would consider "kid friendly" food.

That is great. I have a kid who won't eat most "kid foods." Aversions to foods to come in all shapes and sizes. What I am saying is that you can't "teach" away a food aversion. You got lucky with your kids, and I got lucky with one of mine. Thank heavens I have the other kid who humbles us.

Oh, no, my one kid still has some food aversions, but we push through it. We are blessed to have somewhat healthy children (they have other health issues), but I don't doubt that many parents cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier. Believe me, there were times I would just give in, too. But, if we did that all the time, then their pickiness would turn into full blown aversion.

You are still aren't getting it. It isn't your fantastic parenting that is the difference here. Most people with kids who are picky eaters and with aversions push their kids. They don't just "cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier" - because it isn't easier!

Disagree. I see some cater to their pickiness. Catering to their pickiness is easier than fighting battles. Like I said, I've given in on occasion rather than fight it because it was easier.

But when we go to other people's home, they have to eat something that is offered. That's a deal breaker.

Still not getting it. Most people with kids with extreme food aversions would much prefer that their kids ate a lot more foods. It is incredibly difficult to accommodate extreme food aversions and pickiness day in and day out. You have two kids who are good with it. Most people in that situation don't get it and it is clear you don't get it. It isn't your parenting. You just hit the lottery. How do you think I know this???

You aren't getting it. Yes, it would be easier if their kids weren't so picky but the battle to get them to over come that pickiness is harder than just giving into the pickiness. That's the "harder" part I'm referring to -- the battle to get them to overcome it.

+1. Agree. PP whose kid will eat anything, you are incredibly dense. Do you sit around tell people with kids with ADHD they need to teach them to pay attention? Or parents of kids with autism that they just need to teach their kid social skills? Like they haven't tried that already?

You're not following the thread very well. I stated "barring SN". ADHD is considered SN, no?

So are severe aversions. Kid will try to eat, gag, then vomit. Yet the same child s willing to try again next time.

It depends. I can make myself gag on anything. And I don't think most kids are willing to try something again that made them gag before.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think all of this is made up hype - textural this, sensory that... We've created a generation where it's ok for things to be *disgusting* and to be refused - by constantly serving instead/carrying along the *most palatable foods* (some combo of fat/sugar carbs that lights up the - goldfish, crackers, cheerios, buttered noodles, chicken tenders).

I agree with you that the fat/sugar/carb offerings are a problem, but I don't think that all food aversions are all made up. My son will eat panang curry and chicken tikka masala, but any offerings with melted cheese (even pizza) are a huge problem and make him gag. I think that's a legitimate issue/problem, not made up by the availability of kids' menus.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, my picky eater hasn't eaten off a kid's menu since she was old enough to figure out that she was eating off a kid's menu, and was offended by that thought. So like 4/5 years old? The only exception is when she went out with her teachers from school, and all the kids *had to* order off the kids' menu.

I don't necessarily have a problem with kids menus, to be honest. The portion sizes are much more appropriate for kids, and less likely to get wasted. But most of the time, we order everything to share. That way, someone or the other will eat everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It depends. I can make myself gag on anything. And I don't think most kids are willing to try something again that made them gag before.

My nephew does. He is the un-pickiest eater in the world, but he kind of has the opposite problem of not knowing when to stop. He has (and continues to) eaten, vomited, and continued to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did this picky stuff become a thing? Was this a thing when you all were growing up? I don't remember it being a thing when I was growing up, we just ate what was there or went hungry and that was pretty much it. One of my grandmothers did the short order cook thing but she liked doing that for us kids and it made staying at her house fun.

+1

Personally, I think all of this is made up hype - textural this, sensory that... We've created a generation where it's ok for things to be *disgusting* and to be refused - by constantly serving instead/carrying along the *most palatable foods* (some combo of fat/sugar carbs that lights up the - goldfish, crackers, cheerios, buttered noodles, chicken tenders).

On a totally unrelated note, it seems to me that, if we've got so many kids who have sensory, add, adhd, on the spectrum, etc. issues - and it's not about parenting - I think we need to rethink what are doing environmentally that is causing such a high percentage of our population to have so many issues.

ITA

Why do so many American restaurants now have kid menus when they didn't before? Part of it is because parents only feed their kids five things that you see on the kids menus.

Kid menus are really only a thing in the US, though now we seem to be exporting that gem as well.

What are you talking about? Kid menus aren’t new. I’m 43 and ordered off kid menus growing up.
And now I eat a wide variety of foods, just to head off your next accusation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How rude are you exactly. I could understand if there were allergies, but this is too rude. This is why your kid is a picky eater. It's you, not your kid who created this.

If you have a guest who is vegan or keto do you serve foods they do not wish to eat and expect them to? Why can kids not have a preference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a picky toddler who became a picky child who became a picky teen. He is now 15 and still only eats about 8 foods. I am glad we didn't start catering to him when he was young or else it would have been 15 years of bringing special foods and cooking separate meals. He is still alive and thriving so those meals at friends or family where he just picked a nothing didn't harm him.

I could probably count on one hand the number of times he has eaten dinner with us in his life. He joins us at the table but doesn't eat the food.

This is an important point. I think some posters here are missing the distinction between how to handle a picky eater in general vs. how to handle them at a friends' house.

It is *never* okay to say that you think what a host is serving is "disgusting". That's rude, and a parent who condones that is not parenting well. I was a very picky eater growing up, and my mom would never have asked a host to make something special for me (and we socialized with other families almost weekly). If there was food in the spread I would eat, she would let me eat just that one thing without making a scene. And she would have me eat something before or after to stave off hunger. I think sometimes she offered to bring a dish (for everyone) that she knew I would like, but she'd ask in advance and not get upset if a host said no (but most hosts would not). I'm glad she did this instead of teaching me to expect a meal catered to me, because it taught me to navigate meals in the real world when you can't always have something special for you.

I agree with PPs that sometimes kids are just picky, and there's nothing you can do to expand their tastes...but there's a lot you can do around how you manage that pickiness. As to the OP's friend though, it's pretty weird to be so extreme over a 3 y.o...though if I were her I would have asked in advance if I could bring a dish. Since it sounds like this friend would say no, I would have fed my kid in advance or declined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I’m getting from this is

If:

1) Your friends don’t warn you in advance of serious pickiness and

2) You make a meal that includes lots of things that almost everyone likes (at LEAST one or two of the things) and

3) You don’t keep certain other foods at the house “just in case”

Then

4) You are a bad host

No. You are a bad host if you don’t care about the comfort and preference of your guests, who are presumably known to you.

If these are total strangers who just drop in with no warning, what can you do? Certainly a good host doesn’t mean you need to have all foods for all tastes all the time.

But if you have good friends over for dinner and you are aware of certain food needs, a good host would try to accommodate.

A good host cares about the comfort of ALL the guests, not just some of the guests.

[Anonymous]

I’m the child of immigrants and we ate what was served (or we didn’t eat) and so did all the other relatives I knew. But DH is not that way and it seems not a lot of people were raised that way. I’m curious to know how this works. I’m surprised to read that a medically normal 15 year old only eats about 8 foods. How do you handle normal meals or eating out? How do you grocery shop? Do you constantly cater to the pickiest eater? This drives me absolutely bonkers dealing with DH and it irks me that so many people think it is normal.

[Anonymous]

My cousin was an extremely picking eater from basically birth through the age of 18. It was mostly a control thing. She is extremely Type A, over-achiever, perfectionist, etc. She would basically eat ketchup sandwiches (I'm serious).

Guess what magically cured her? Going away from home to the Naval Academy. Pretty much "cured" overnight, because she couldn't pull her stunts and force the issue with the commanding officers. Do you think they coddle picky eaters in the plebe mess hall? LOL.

Anyway, she grew up pretty fast, once ketchup sandwiches and buttered noodles weren't an option. It was eat or starve, and she couldn't afford to starve with the rigorous academics and athletic regimen.

She travels all over the world now, and eats a variety of foods. The first time she was invited to an officer's home for dinner, guess what was served? Tuna casserole.

Glad she grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the child of immigrants and we ate what was served (or we didn’t eat) and so did all the other relatives I knew. But DH is not that way and it seems not a lot of people were raised that way. I’m curious to know how this works. I’m surprised to read that a medically normal 15 year old only eats about 8 foods. How do you handle normal meals or eating out? How do you grocery shop? Do you constantly cater to the pickiest eater? This drives me absolutely bonkers dealing with DH and it irks me that so many people think it is normal.

That is not a normal 15 yr old. That is an extreme outlier. If that poster took him to be evaluated she would probably get a diagnosis. But the are managing this and he isn't starving, so they aren't seeking out a diagnosis nor eating therapies.

My dh is the child of immigrants and his parents cater to the grandchildren's food preferences. How a first gen immigrant raises kids in the US is very different from how they treat their grandchildren IME. I don't know anyone in my MIL's social circle who doesn't dote on their grandkids. In fact, they are all about the volume of food consumed whereas my mother (raised in the US) is all about the variety and making sure my kids are offered lots of vegetables and just eating white rice.