Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told DH to tell his brother and let his brother tell his wife. DH spoke to his brother and his brother does not want to tell his wife. BIL is afraid that if he tells his wife then his mother will out him for continuing to sneak meat. Whenever BIL goes to his parents house without SIL, he will eat meat. Yes, the guy is having an affair with a roast He will also drink a milk shake with a straw while he is there without her.

Straws are a whole other thing with her. Whenever we are at a restaurant with everyone, SIL will make a point of telling the waiter to NOT bring anyone straws. The first time this happened is started a 10 minute debate between FIL/MIL and SIL. FIL/MIL had never heard that straws are bad. FIL wanted a straw and then demanded a straw. Our kids chimed in asking whether they could have straws. SIL responded before I could and told them no-which was rude. FIL snapped that she had no right to deny him or his grandchildren straws and by god damn it they were having straws. SIL got up and left. BIL had to follow. My DH was in the bathroom for this and missed the whole thing. To be fair to SIL, I think she got up and left because FIL was so loud and angry and less about diving on the straw hill. To be to fair to FIL, SIL was very rude and overly bossy about the straw thing.

SIL is not a vegetarian for religious or health reasons. She is very open that she is a vegetarian for environmental reasons. I don't think MIL would do this if she had allergies. We have an extended relative with GF intolerance and MIL is very good in coming up with GF alternatives. MIL is proud of her GF recipes and has shared them with others for this relative .I'm not saying that I agree with what MIL is doing to SIL but I don't think she is a danger to others who have physical reasons for avoiding certain foods.

MIL just thinks that SIL's reasons are not valid. SIL will not ride in a SUV. If we are all going somewhere together, she will not get into MIL/FIL's big SUV or our smaller SUV. She will insist that she and her husband drive separately in their electric car. To MIL this is stupid because everyone can't fit in their electric car and since we are driving the SUV anyways, how does it help the environment for SIL to be riding separately in an electric car?

I try to be a nice person and have never been annoyed at anyone for having special food requests. Our family does do our part for the environment. We turn lights out, always recycle, I cook more from scratch than buying lots of processed or packaged foods, we compost, we plant trees, and I don't buy straws for home so I am not anti-environmental. `I will fully admit though that my weaknesses are being a coward where interpersonal drama is involved and guilt. So now I am between both. I feel I have done my duty in having DH tell his brother but since his brother will not say anything now I will have to sit through every future family meal knowing that MIL is lying to SIL or dealing with the wrath of both of them.

While it isn't the most popular opinion, I think I will just go with the MYOB posters and not say anything.

Wow. That family is crazy. Your BIL is incapable of standing up to both his wife and mother.

Not telling SIL would weigh on my conscience regardless of how annoying or unpleasant she may be. But you do you.

Sounds like he does not want to mess with crazy. He lives with her, he knows best.

SIL can be crazy as all get out. It still doesn't make continual lying to her by everyone in this family ok.

Her reasons are irrelevant. You do not get to make those decisions for her and lie to her about it. I personally find the folks who can't be bothered to make any sort of informed choices about what they put in their bodies to be not making valid choices. But, you don't see me forcing my food choices down their throats through lying or deception.

And honestly, your SIL isn't wrong. While I wouldn't be as blunt about it, she's 100% right. Your FIL, on the other hand, sounds like an outright ass. But, regardless, neither he nor anyone else should be disrespecting her diet choices. Regardless of the reason.

With all due respect, SIL cannot control food prep outside of her home. Whether it's due to a mistake, carelessness, not knowing/remembering I can guarantee you she is getting animal byproducts in many meals consumed outside of home. This may be the only time I will say go MIL. Your SIL sounds uppity and highly controlling, yikes.

The issue is being lied. You can control it outside the home as most restaurants have it online or someone does. It is really crappy to lie about it. This is why I don't eat at homes like yours. She shouldn't preach about it but if you are not cooking vegetarian but honest.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

"No harm done"?

It's a personal choice and MIL has decided that SIL does not get to make that choice for herself. She is presenting food with meat in it as vegetarian because she doesn't respect SIL's reason for being vegetarian. Then she asked OP to lie about it too. SIL hasn't suffered any health effects, but that's different than saying no harm has been done. OP clearly feels guilty about her part in this. SIL deserves to know what she's putting in her body. That's her choice, not MIL's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told DH to tell his brother and let his brother tell his wife. DH spoke to his brother and his brother does not want to tell his wife. BIL is afraid that if he tells his wife then his mother will out him for continuing to sneak meat. Whenever BIL goes to his parents house without SIL, he will eat meat. Yes, the guy is having an affair with a roast He will also drink a milk shake with a straw while he is there without her.

Straws are a whole other thing with her. Whenever we are at a restaurant with everyone, SIL will make a point of telling the waiter to NOT bring anyone straws. The first time this happened is started a 10 minute debate between FIL/MIL and SIL. FIL/MIL had never heard that straws are bad. FIL wanted a straw and then demanded a straw. Our kids chimed in asking whether they could have straws. SIL responded before I could and told them no-which was rude. FIL snapped that she had no right to deny him or his grandchildren straws and by god damn it they were having straws. SIL got up and left. BIL had to follow. My DH was in the bathroom for this and missed the whole thing. To be fair to SIL, I think she got up and left because FIL was so loud and angry and less about diving on the straw hill. To be to fair to FIL, SIL was very rude and overly bossy about the straw thing.

SIL is not a vegetarian for religious or health reasons. She is very open that she is a vegetarian for environmental reasons. I don't think MIL would do this if she had allergies. We have an extended relative with GF intolerance and MIL is very good in coming up with GF alternatives. MIL is proud of her GF recipes and has shared them with others for this relative .I'm not saying that I agree with what MIL is doing to SIL but I don't think she is a danger to others who have physical reasons for avoiding certain foods.

MIL just thinks that SIL's reasons are not valid. SIL will not ride in a SUV. If we are all going somewhere together, she will not get into MIL/FIL's big SUV or our smaller SUV. She will insist that she and her husband drive separately in their electric car. To MIL this is stupid because everyone can't fit in their electric car and since we are driving the SUV anyways, how does it help the environment for SIL to be riding separately in an electric car?

I try to be a nice person and have never been annoyed at anyone for having special food requests. Our family does do our part for the environment. We turn lights out, always recycle, I cook more from scratch than buying lots of processed or packaged foods, we compost, we plant trees, and I don't buy straws for home so I am not anti-environmental. `I will fully admit though that my weaknesses are being a coward where interpersonal drama is involved and guilt. So now I am between both. I feel I have done my duty in having DH tell his brother but since his brother will not say anything now I will have to sit through every future family meal knowing that MIL is lying to SIL or dealing with the wrath of both of them.

While it isn't the most popular opinion, I think I will just go with the MYOB posters and not say anything.

What a bunch of selfish a****les.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!

I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?

What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?

The obligation of being a decent person.

How do you expect SIL to trust anyone in this family ever again if she finds out the MIL has been maliciously sneaking meat into her food, and everyone else has conspired to keep it a secret?

[Anonymous]

Yes tell her

[Anonymous]

Ok, I'll engage the deflection. Her positions re: environmentalism are right. There is a reason other countries and some areas in the US are getting rid of single use plastics. Similarly, riding in SUVs are environmentally damaging. She may be annoying, a hypocrite, wrong in how she approaches the issues, etc. That doesn't mean she's wrong on the principle.

Look just being alive hurts the environment so if I really want to protect the environment I should throw myself off a bridge and stop consuming resources. You can certainly argue that this correct on principle but very few people will go to this extreme. We all end up somewhere in the middle between throwing ourselves off a bridge and spending the weekend clubbing baby seals while burning coal in the backyard for kicks and giggles.

SIL has picked her list of things she will do to help the environment and other people have picked their list. She isn't right because she has chosen certain things and not others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

Wrong. Absolutely fcking wrong.

And do you think that if MIL is stupid and brazen enough to tell one SIL about it, that she won't end up telling more people - and do you think that many people can keep a secret forever?

There is the harm that SIL's right to decide for herself what she eats has been violated. But the trust part of this is going to be shattered once she inevitably learns that you've all been conspiring to keep this nasty secret.

I hope she slips a little something into your food. No harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

"No harm done"?

It's a personal choice and MIL has decided that SIL does not get to make that choice for herself. She is presenting food with meat in it as vegetarian because she doesn't respect SIL's reason for being vegetarian. Then she asked OP to lie about it too. SIL hasn't suffered any health effects, but that's different than saying no harm has been done. OP clearly feels guilty about her part in this. SIL deserves to know what she's putting in her body. That's her choice, not MIL's.

SIL felt perfectly fine deciding for everyone they should not use a straw, DH should not eat meat etc. She is just getting taste of her own medicine. OP do not get in the middle of this, your SIL is a militant on a collision course. This will not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

"No harm done"?

It's a personal choice and MIL has decided that SIL does not get to make that choice for herself. She is presenting food with meat in it as vegetarian because she doesn't respect SIL's reason for being vegetarian. Then she asked OP to lie about it too. SIL hasn't suffered any health effects, but that's different than saying no harm has been done. OP clearly feels guilty about her part in this. SIL deserves to know what she's putting in her body. That's her choice, not MIL's.

SIL felt perfectly fine deciding for everyone they should not use a straw, DH should not eat meat etc. She is just getting taste of her own medicine. OP do not get in the middle of this, your SIL is a militant on a collision course. This will not end well.

It is absolutely ending with SIL sneaking something into her relatives' food, before riding off into the sunset to join a decent family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you made the right choice OP. If her own husband won't tell her then you don't have to feel bad about it. She sounds truly insufferable. And your MIL might be a sociopath. Good luck!

I don't think you did the right thing OP. You still have an obligation to be honest with your SIL or you are complicit in what is going on. Do you really think that if SIL finds out, she won't be upset with everyone in the scenario who knew she was being mistreated and didn't intervene?

What “obligation” do you have in a non-life threatening situation to your DH’s brother’s wife? In fact what “right” would you have to bypass BIL here and go against his express statements not to inform SIL?

Essentially what you are saying is that MIL and BIL requiring OP to be complicit in a lie that everyone recognizes SIL will be upset about when - not if, but when - it is discovered. I don't know how you conduct your life, but if I was OP, I would be pretty annoyed that I was being made to go along with the lie. I value honesty and if someone asks me to lie, I cannot trust their honesty anymore. It would color my entire relationship with them. In fact, the reality that SIL will be very upset would make me LESS comfortable with going along with the lie. It is clearly important to her, and her husband and MIL are essentially saying that what is important to her does not matter to them. Even if she is a piece of work (which she sounds like she is with the won't ride in SUVs and thinks straws are evil), it is not in any way acceptable or ethical to disregard her values in this way. I think that the lot of you who are saying that it's not OP's responsibility are overlooking the reality that MIL made it OP's responsibility when she instructed OP to lie. At that point, OP had a choice: be a liar or be truthful.

You guys are telling OP basically that it's okay for her to lie because SIL is unlikeable.

You must be posting over and over because you keep using complicit. Are you the same person?

I posted yesterday, but not today. I didn't post the above "complicit." It's not an uncommon word. Is there a word you would prefer that means the same thing?

I like skulduggery. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

"No harm done"?

It's a personal choice and MIL has decided that SIL does not get to make that choice for herself. She is presenting food with meat in it as vegetarian because she doesn't respect SIL's reason for being vegetarian. Then she asked OP to lie about it too. SIL hasn't suffered any health effects, but that's different than saying no harm has been done. OP clearly feels guilty about her part in this. SIL deserves to know what she's putting in her body. That's her choice, not MIL's.

SIL felt perfectly fine deciding for everyone they should not use a straw, DH should not eat meat etc. She is just getting taste of her own medicine. OP do not get in the middle of this, your SIL is a militant on a collision course. This will not end well.

It is absolutely ending with SIL sneaking something into her relatives' food, before riding off into the sunset to join a decent family.

She will learn quickly enough how to be flexible when she joins her nice prison family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't. It is a personal choice so if they don't know they are eating it, no harm done. As has been the case since MIL has been doing this all along - and no harm done.

More harm will be caused by saying something. It will cause all kinds of family drama and tension.

"No harm done"?

It's a personal choice and MIL has decided that SIL does not get to make that choice for herself. She is presenting food with meat in it as vegetarian because she doesn't respect SIL's reason for being vegetarian. Then she asked OP to lie about it too. SIL hasn't suffered any health effects, but that's different than saying no harm has been done. OP clearly feels guilty about her part in this. SIL deserves to know what she's putting in her body. That's her choice, not MIL's.

SIL felt perfectly fine deciding for everyone they should not use a straw, DH should not eat meat etc. She is just getting taste of her own medicine. OP do not get in the middle of this, your SIL is a militant on a collision course. This will not end well.

The difference here is that the other people at the table could, in fact, request straws, and SIL's husband could, in fact, eat whatever he wants. It was everyone's choice to go along with the straw thing and BIL's choice to follow SIL's wishes about eating meat. What MIL is doing is different. She is presenting food as vegetarian when it is not.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the fence about this. I'm a vegetarian and have been using a mix of half meat/half soy protein in all my ground beef dishes for years. My family doesn't know and has not noticed. And I'm okay with it since they don't have any soy allergies. But, now that I think about it, sneaking meat into a vegetarian's meal is worse than sneaking soy into a meat-eater's meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the fence about this. I'm a vegetarian and have been using a mix of half meat/half soy protein in all my ground beef dishes for years. My family doesn't know and has not noticed. And I'm okay with it since they don't have any soy allergies. But, now that I think about it, sneaking meat into a vegetarian's meal is worse than sneaking soy into a meat-eater's meal.

What? I'm one of the few that thinks its dumb to insist on telling what MIL is doing (although I agree that it is terrible on her part) but your analogy isn't even close. You don't need to sneak soy. It's just an ingredient. Being willing to eat meat (aka meat eater) does not equal eating only meat.