Would you tell a vegetarian relative that your MIL has been sneaking meat into their food?

[Anonymous]

OP here. There is a little more to this. I found out because I arrived early to help MIL. I brought a few of the dishes. We both cook. I found out close to when everyone was arriving and about to sit down. MIL told me to say nothing and like a child I didn't say anything. Throughout the whole meal I kept wondering what to do. Should I interrupt everyone, out MIL and start WWW3? Should I pretend to trip and knock SIL's plate on the floor? If I did this though she would just get another serving and I'd have to keep doing it which would be even stranger. So I said and did nothing. Afterwards MIL, told me that she has been doing this for years. BIL/SIL have been married for over 10 years .

I really doubt that SIL knows. She is very passionate about being a vegetarian for environmental reasons. She doesn't cook so I don't think she makes any of these dishes on her own. I go out of my way to make real vegetarian dishes which she seems to appreciate. Her appreciation though turns into a lecture to everyone at the table about how we should be eating this instead of the meat. BIL "became" a vegetarian when they got married but sneaks meat in the kitchen at every family event or dinner. I'm sure he is ordering a streak at business conferences or work travel. She freaked out once when she caught him in the kitchen sneaking some of MIL's roast. I really doubt that she is politely eating MIL's food and pretending not to know it has meat.

I could tell DH and have him tell his brother but it will still come back to me. I will have both of them angry at me and I'll be in the middle. SIL will be furious that I didn't tell her that night and will be lecturing for the next 10 years. MIL will be furious that I outed her and I'll be hearing about that for the next 10 years. I love my husband so getting a divorce to escape these two is not going to work for me. If I stay silent, I know that I will be complicit in this fraud for every future family event. I'm sure that MIL pulls other crap on people. I really do not want to build a relationship with her where she confides or confesses anything else.

[Anonymous]

"If I tell SIL, MIL will know it was me."--OP

This got buried at the end of your post. So you are concerned that MIL will...do what, exactly, if she knows you outed her? Does she tend to punish people? I'm guessing yes, based on her extremely deceptive and nasty "I know best" behavior toward SIL.

Someone asked earlier if this is your spouse's sister. If so: How scared of MIL are you, OP? Would your spouse have your back here? If SIL is your spouse's sister--why can't spouse be the one to tell SIL that their mom is being an a$$? If you're concerned about MIL taking it out on you if you tell SIL, then talk to spouse about telling SIL. If spouse is too scared of mom to do the right thing and tell SIL--the family has even bigger issues than this one. But either way SIL should know.

[Anonymous]

^^Sorry, was typing post above before your update showed up....

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is a shitty human being for doing this. The ethical thing to do here is tell SIL. And yes, it's worth a big blow-up to tell her. If your spouse doesn't back you, that says something about his character.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell MIL if she doesn't stop immediately I'll tell SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is a little more to this. I found out because I arrived early to help MIL. I brought a few of the dishes. We both cook. I found out close to when everyone was arriving and about to sit down. MIL told me to say nothing and like a child I didn't say anything. Throughout the whole meal I kept wondering what to do. Should I interrupt everyone, out MIL and start WWW3? Should I pretend to trip and knock SIL's plate on the floor? If I did this though she would just get another serving and I'd have to keep doing it which would be even stranger. So I said and did nothing. Afterwards MIL, told me that she has been doing this for years. BIL/SIL have been married for over 10 years .

I really doubt that SIL knows. She is very passionate about being a vegetarian for environmental reasons. She doesn't cook so I don't think she makes any of these dishes on her own. I go out of my way to make real vegetarian dishes which she seems to appreciate. Her appreciation though turns into a lecture to everyone at the table about how we should be eating this instead of the meat. BIL "became" a vegetarian when they got married but sneaks meat in the kitchen at every family event or dinner. I'm sure he is ordering a streak at business conferences or work travel. She freaked out once when she caught him in the kitchen sneaking some of MIL's roast. I really doubt that she is politely eating MIL's food and pretending not to know it has meat.

I could tell DH and have him tell his brother but it will still come back to me. I will have both of them angry at me and I'll be in the middle. SIL will be furious that I didn't tell her that night and will be lecturing for the next 10 years. MIL will be furious that I outed her and I'll be hearing about that for the next 10 years. I love my husband so getting a divorce to escape these two is not going to work for me. If I stay silent, I know that I will be complicit in this fraud for every future family event. I'm sure that MIL pulls other crap on people. I really do not want to build a relationship with her where she confides or confesses anything else.

Regardless, you tell her.

[Anonymous]

DH handles his own family. But I'm still not sure if SIL is his sister or his brother's wife.

You tell DH. If BIL is his brother, he tells brother and says its up to brother to handle this or not. (My money is on "not" which is pitiful if BIL won't do the right thing and tell his wife. Is BIL scared of mom?)

Or: If SIL is DH's sister, DH gets MIL and SIL together and says what's going on. He tells them they can work it out, make it up or not. He then says with crystal clarity that he and you do not want to hear a WORD from either of them after that--no lectures from SIL, no carping from MIL, not one eye roll. if this becomes a thing MIL or SIL tosses at you, DH, you and the kids (?) will have to leave whatever event you're all attending. Then he walks out of the room and leaves SIL and MIL to it.

Of course those are kind of ideal scenarios where DH would be tough with those involved. BTW, if this were your family you'd be the one handling it. Each person deals with his or her own relatives especially if those relatives would make life difficult for the DW or DH.

[Anonymous]

"I'm really surprised that you have been doing this, MIL. Would you do the same if SIL had food allergies? If you don't tell SIL, I will be forced to. I can't be complicit with such actions."

[Anonymous]

Yes you should. I can’t eat fried food because of prior colon surgery and mil sneaks fried food into other dishes. Issue me off. I am so not looking forward to Diwali.

[Anonymous]

Bigger picture and a reason to stop MIL's idiocy:

I'd be very concerned if anyone in your family has or develops food allergies or other issues. Picture if there's a grandchild with a nut allergy--is grandma going to think she can sneak nuts into something "because they're all just overreacting and think it's trendy to say a child has allergies"...? And so forth.

[Anonymous]

I would rat out your MIL. I am a vegetarian for religious and ethical reasons and I would be furious if someone behaved like that. MIL sounds like a real peach.

[Anonymous]

MIL is a straight up psycho. Also, people who want you to lie for them 1) know they are doing something wrong and 2) are trying to control you. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

You are complicit now, so speak up.

[Anonymous]

Op stay out of it unless you want to become a pariah with your in-laws - all of them. This will alienate mil but also SIL and bil and whatever other family. You will be the one who stirred sh** up forever in their minds. You do not gain anything, no one does actually. Don’t be a the honest fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell MIL if she doesn't stop immediately I'll tell SIL.

This. But have your DH do it. They’re his circus/monkeys.