A theory about having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two sisters are my best friends! We are having a second for this reason: to give our son a sidekick We would need to change our careers and relocated to a LCOL area to be able to afford three, so I think we'll likely stop at two

your kids could end up hating each other ... then what? "give our son a sidekick" is a terrible reason.

No, it's making sure that DS has an older brother, not giving older brother a sidekick. You're looking at it from an "only" point of view.

And they may hate each other, true. But like the lotto, if you don't play, you'll never win. If they don't have a sibling, they'll never have a sibling who is a lifelong friend.

It's actually much better than the lotto because they are much more likely to love each other than to hate each other. I do not know a single sibling relationship that is hateful. I only hear of them on DCUM. These are not as common. Some siblings may not be best friends, but they are usually good friends.

I have mentioned on DCUM that my brother tried to kill me.
My DH knows. My family of origin, of course, know. But no one else knows. When friends, or acquaintances, or people at work ask why I only have one child, I don't say because in case my child turned out to be a murderous jerk I wanted to limit the damage, or because I didn't want to deal with my second child perhaps being a murderous jerk towards my first. I give them the polite brush off.

It does not surprise me, and should not surprise you, that people tell mostly happily or neutral stories to others.

I agree that my family situation is rare. Hopefully significantly rarer than siblings who are each others best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I generally do not like parents who choose to stop at one child. They are not all the same. but most share commonalities that I find extremely irritating—in a way that only seems to negatively affect themselves—so I dont hate them. I just don’t like them.

They are generally way too focused on themselves and their one child. That kid plays the role of golden child.

So sorry that all my other pregnancies ended with dead babies! Wish they'd lived so that you'd like me.

You don't know people's histories or motivations or the path that led them to having one child. It's foolish and cruel to make such judgments.

Read! Choose I wrote choose. I know people who are vocal about only ever wanting one kid.

Someone earlier said how easily offended everyone is on his thread. Yup.

If you knew me superficially you'd think I chose to stop at one child. I don't share the dead-baby history with anyone but my close friends. And since the people you know who chose to have one child are also people you don't like, I'd wager that they have not necessarily given you the full story.

Reproductive experiences and choices are complicated, and drawing broad conclusions from them is rarely helpful.

Nah, PP was pointing to the way the families function, not reproductive choices. Little emperors, as it were.

There are plenty of people with multiple children who treat all of those children like little emperors, as I'm sure is also true of some only child families. But if you need to generalize to justify being a judgmental prick, go ahead.

PP who made the "little emperors" argument: I take it you haven't read any studies on only children because if you did, you'd see that only children are no more spoiled than children with siblings.

But sure -- continue to make baseless accusations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally do not like parents who choose to stop at one child. They are not all the same. but most share commonalities that I find extremely irritating—in a way that only seems to negatively affect themselves—so I dont hate them. I just don’t like them.

They are generally way too focused on themselves and their one child. That kid plays the role of golden child.

I generally don't like parents who believe gross generalizations and make sweeping statements judging people not on their character but on the type of family they have.

I'm so relieved you don't hate me and merely dislike me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

One reason that parents have a more than one child is because of the emotional implications of losing an only child. I know a mother who, after losing her only child in an accident in high school, killed herself on the anniversary of his death.

I have heard this before and find this argument tragic and crazy. No one loses and child and is like, “oh thank god I have a spare.” W that reasoning, I’d have two husbands as well.

Really? I'm surprised more people haven't voiced this reason - I've spoken about it with several friends and most have mentioned this as one of (many) reasons for having multiples. In the absolutely awful event that a child precedes you in death -- or, in a better-case scenario, that one of your children settles abroad/across country or is otherwise physically or emotionally distant -- I think it's comforting to know you have another child (or two) to help fill the void. The women in my family have tended to outlive their husbands by 10-15 years, and in those later years they have thanked their lucky stars that they have multiple children to offer support and companionship.

[Anonymous]

I think the parents and living situation make a difference. In my case as an only child, I didn't have any close-in-age cousins living nearby, and my mother has severe social anxiety. Thank God we didn't move at all, because it would have been hard to have any kind of "family" with other kids my age if I hadn't attended the same school K-12.

Now, I'm married to someone in the Army. Again, without siblings, my kids wouldn't have much opportunity to develop friendships as children that will last through their lives. As someone said, it's nice to have people who remember what it was like growing up.

I also know far more people with decent sibling relationships than not. Maybe not super-close, but no, PP, I don't think large numbers of people with homicidal siblings are keeping silent about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

I think you are completely wrong.

Most people with one kid want more than one.

Most people with 2 or more kids made a conscious decision to give their kids siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally do not like parents who choose to stop at one child. They are not all the same. but most share commonalities that I find extremely irritating—in a way that only seems to negatively affect themselves—so I dont hate them. I just don’t like them.

They are generally way too focused on themselves and their one child. That kid plays the role of golden child.

Prejudiced attitudes like this demonstrate that OP is correct. Most people don't actually think through whether 1 or 2 kids would be better; they're influenced by the continuing stigma of the only child.

To PP: I don't really GAF about your ignorant attitude. I love being able to focus on myself and my child, and I deliberately chose this path in order to be able to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

I think you are completely wrong.

Most people with one kid want more than one.

Most people with 2 or more kids made a conscious decision to give their kids siblings.

+ 1. I definitely wanted another kid, and I also like that the kids can have each other to share sibling experiences -- there are times in life when it's helpful to have someone to talk to about your feelings, your family experience, your childhood who is not your parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

One reason that parents have a more than one child is because of the emotional implications of losing an only child. I know a mother who, after losing her only child in an accident in high school, killed herself on the anniversary of his death.

I have heard this before and find this argument tragic and crazy. No one loses and child and is like, “oh thank god I have a spare.” W that reasoning, I’d have two husbands as well.

Many people who lose a child say that the only thing that kept them going is knowing they had to keep going for the sake of the other children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two sisters are my best friends! We are having a second for this reason: to give our son a sidekick We would need to change our careers and relocated to a LCOL area to be able to afford three, so I think we'll likely stop at two

your kids could end up hating each other ... then what? "give our son a sidekick" is a terrible reason.

No, it's making sure that DS has an older brother, not giving older brother a sidekick. You're looking at it from an "only" point of view.

And they may hate each other, true. But like the lotto, if you don't play, you'll never win. If they don't have a sibling, they'll never have a sibling who is a lifelong friend.

It's actually much better than the lotto because they are much more likely to love each other than to hate each other. I do not know a single sibling relationship that is hateful. I only hear of them on DCUM. These are not as common. Some siblings may not be best friends, but they are usually good friends.

I have mentioned on DCUM that my brother tried to kill me.
My DH knows. My family of origin, of course, know. But no one else knows. When friends, or acquaintances, or people at work ask why I only have one child, I don't say because in case my child turned out to be a murderous jerk I wanted to limit the damage, or because I didn't want to deal with my second child perhaps being a murderous jerk towards my first. I give them the polite brush off.

It does not surprise me, and should not surprise you, that people tell mostly happily or neutral stories to others.

I agree that my family situation is rare. Hopefully significantly rarer than siblings who are each others best friends.

There are usually exceptions to rules. Yours is the exception, PP.

If we extend your reasoning, you should not have had any children at all in order to avoid the small chance that you have a homicidal child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I generally do not like parents who choose to stop at one child. They are not all the same. but most share commonalities that I find extremely irritating—in a way that only seems to negatively affect themselves—so I dont hate them. I just don’t like them.

They are generally way too focused on themselves and their one child. That kid plays the role of golden child.

So sorry that all my other pregnancies ended with dead babies! Wish they'd lived so that you'd like me.

You don't know people's histories or motivations or the path that led them to having one child. It's foolish and cruel to make such judgments.

DP. Are you way too focused on your one child? Does your kid play the role of golden child?

Something to consider.

Are your multiple children ignored? Do you let the little one go without a nap, and fail to go to the older one's parent teacher conferences? Does chaos reign in your house?

Stupid to traffic in stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

One reason that parents have a more than one child is because of the emotional implications of losing an only child. I know a mother who, after losing her only child in an accident in high school, killed herself on the anniversary of his death.

I have heard this before and find this argument tragic and crazy. No one loses and child and is like, “oh thank god I have a spare.” W that reasoning, I’d have two husbands as well.

Many people who lose a child say that the only thing that kept them going is knowing they had to keep going for the sake of the other children.

I agree that the argument is tragic and crazy, and that it's also common and not without merit.

I have an only (not by choice) and I don' t know how I'd keep going if anything happened to him. But the fact is that people do keep going through unimaginable loss, so I guess I'd figure it out. But yeah. I'm all in on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

I think you are completely wrong.

Most people with one kid want more than one.

Most people with 2 or more kids made a conscious decision to give their kids siblings.

way to completely miss the point ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

I think you are completely wrong.

Most people with one kid want more than one.

Most people with 2 or more kids made a conscious decision to give their kids siblings.

way to completely miss the point ...

No ... this is actually responsive to the OP, not the most recent developments on the thread. OP said that people have more than one mindlessly following the crowd, because it's the thing to do. This person is saying what a lot of other people said, which is that OP's premise is untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people blindly have second children. I think if people thought about it the majority of people would stop at one. Most people have two kids because “that’s what you do”. Not bc they REALLY want one or have thought about the emotional and logistical implications.

Honestly - I think most people blindly have one child. Not in a bad way. But you can't know what having a kid is like until you've done it. I would think a second child is a little more "eyes open," because you have some idea what a baby/child actually is.

I say this as a parent of one DD who is struggling with whether a second will enrich our lives or make us insane (maybe both). But I'm also starting to feel the ache to have another baby in my arms - this time knowing what true exhaustion is and how loving a child is so beautiful/painful all at once. For me - and I think for a lot of people- the reality of parenting is a shock - having a second is done with more knowledge than was possible with the first.