Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again

1. I don't know if I'd call her a monster, but she has been nothing but horrible to me. Besides always joking to take our kids away, and they will like her better bullshit, she has told me that my husband will die and leave me widowed then she will take them from me. Cold stone face and dead serious. She is also the same woman who wore a white dress to my wedding, refused to contribute anything because we didn't run the color scheme by her. She offered to help us paint our apt, she came over while we were at work. Laid out colors for certain rooms and a guideline. Came back and she ignored everything and painted everything an off white. We also made it super clear that she should wait until we got home-made we never wanted her to paint but she offered and showed up to do so unexpectedly. Mil will go back and re iron clothes that I've already ironed, she shows up to my house with her own sheets and towels and will put a sheet on our couch before sitting...then throws a fit when I remove it when other come over. I paid a lot for our couch and I like it I don't exactly want a printed butterfly sheet covering it. There is so much crap she pulls that I'm just tired. I could go on and on about how crazy she is but at the end of the day I just don't want her to be called Mama. I'm fine with my kids calling everyone mama or dada for a while. And I even suggested let's wait and see what the kids come up with...but no.

Oh and calling her by her initials isn't meant to be mean or hostile pp. Both grandma's to my nephews are initial Nick names and it's adorable. Think cc pronunced cee cee, and bb, pronunced well, bee bee. I think Gigi or gg or whatever would be cute. Also open to any other name she wants or likes except mom, mama, mommy.

As is so often said here, OP, you don't have a MIL problem, but a DH problem. I'm not sure why you'd even want to have a child with a DH who would tolerate all that. What you kid calls her is the least of your worries, but at the same time, is a way for you to continue to power struggle. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again

1. I don't know if I'd call her a monster, but she has been nothing but horrible to me. Besides always joking to take our kids away, and they will like her better bullshit, she has told me that my husband will die and leave me widowed then she will take them from me. Cold stone face and dead serious. She is also the same woman who wore a white dress to my wedding, refused to contribute anything because we didn't run the color scheme by her. She offered to help us paint our apt, she came over while we were at work. Laid out colors for certain rooms and a guideline. Came back and she ignored everything and painted everything an off white. We also made it super clear that she should wait until we got home-made we never wanted her to paint but she offered and showed up to do so unexpectedly. Mil will go back and re iron clothes that I've already ironed, she shows up to my house with her own sheets and towels and will put a sheet on our couch before sitting...then throws a fit when I remove it when other come over. I paid a lot for our couch and I like it I don't exactly want a printed butterfly sheet covering it. There is so much crap she pulls that I'm just tired. I could go on and on about how crazy she is but at the end of the day I just don't want her to be called Mama. I'm fine with my kids calling everyone mama or dada for a while. And I even suggested let's wait and see what the kids come up with...but no.

Oh and calling her by her initials isn't meant to be mean or hostile pp. Both grandma's to my nephews are initial Nick names and it's adorable. Think cc pronunced cee cee, and bb, pronunced well, bee bee. I think Gigi or gg or whatever would be cute. Also open to any other name she wants or likes except mom, mama, mommy.

You should have led with this!

So, she's crazy--does your DH do anything to mitigate it? Does he speak up, say something beforehand, anything? Because it needs to start now. That level of crazy with a newborn in the picture--you're going to end up absolutely hating her.

It sounds like she so easily disregards your wishes that you can't count on her babysitting or for other practical matters. Given you're not obligated to her in that way, start learning to say, "No." "No, you can't take the baby overnight." "No, you can't feed her, give her to me so I can breast-feed." "No, you can't feed our toddler whole grapes." Etc, etc.

Good luck. How close does she live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is MomMom. I hate it. I’m not from the east coast so this weird to me but I also have the last of the 11 grandchildren so I don’t really get a choice. I know what you mean OP. It took us 6 years to get our kids so I am very protective of the Mama title. It’s the only thing I ever wanted. I would not share it. I can overlook the other boundary stomps but I wouldn’t be down with this. I think it really depends on a person’s MIL. Mine is so overbearing that it is completely suffocating. Everything feels like a competition with her. I ignore and praise Jesus we don’t live near her.

I wonder if you would feel the same way about your own DIL. Imagine your daughter in law thanking Jesus she lives nowhere near you. So sad.

Probably not because my only son passed away. My MIL video taped the funeral behind my back like it was a kindergarten Christmas pageant. That was the final straw in allowing the stomps. Now they are shit down politely but quickly. I will never have the warm fuzzies for her ever but I will not prevent my children from having a relationship with grandmother.

NP here and PP, I am so sorry for both the loss of your beloved son, and for your horrible MIL who filmed it.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read through the replies other than your last update about some of the nasty things MIL has said to you, but I just wanted to say there is no way I would tolerate this. Mama is what my children call me and I call my other mother in my family. It's a very special term and it's not negotiable that another woman in the family would be called that by my children, nor would I feel one millisecond of hesitation to say, "Unfortunately, that won't work given how that term of endearment is used on my side of the family, but let's brainstorm other names that would like!"

[Anonymous]

I was always closer growing up to my grandmother than to my mother. I called her grandma. The name you call people has nothing to do with the relationship. Grandparents get called all kinds of names.

So many DILs are so jealous of their MIL. All this cat fights to show you are boss are just immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is MomMom. I hate it. I’m not from the east coast so this weird to me but I also have the last of the 11 grandchildren so I don’t really get a choice. I know what you mean OP. It took us 6 years to get our kids so I am very protective of the Mama title. It’s the only thing I ever wanted. I would not share it. I can overlook the other boundary stomps but I wouldn’t be down with this. I think it really depends on a person’s MIL. Mine is so overbearing that it is completely suffocating. Everything feels like a competition with her. I ignore and praise Jesus we don’t live near her.

I wonder if you would feel the same way about your own DIL. Imagine your daughter in law thanking Jesus she lives nowhere near you. So sad.

Probably not because my only son passed away. My MIL video taped the funeral behind my back like it was a kindergarten Christmas pageant. That was the final straw in allowing the stomps. Now they are shit down politely but quickly. I will never have the warm fuzzies for her ever but I will not prevent my children from having a relationship with grandmother.

I'm so sorry pp.

Hugs

-op

[Anonymous]

A few questions:

1) where is your husband in all of this?

2) why do you keep allowing her in to your life in ways that give her control? Does your MIL have keys to your apartment? Why is she in their while you are at work painting?

3) Why aren't you dropping the rope? The white dress is a great example, and I think "mama" is a lot like that. Everyone still knew you were the beautiful bride, and your MIL likely made herself look like a dope who was trying too hard. You seem to keep fighting her for control. She's always going to beat you. So you need to do things like change the locks and stop fighting for control.

[Anonymous]

OP -

Do what you wish on the names, but get to a lawyer asap and set up a will and trust for your future child that specifies what happens if something (god forbid) happens to you, to your husband, or both of you. No need to discuss with GG/grandma/big mama or anyone else.

Don't get so triggered by the little stuff that you miss the big stuff.

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL? Same down to "joking" that the baby could live at her house instead of our awful condo. She wanted to be Mama D or some such and I remained noncommittal and just referred to her as grandma D and that's what my kids call her. She persisted for a while by writing Mama this or that on cards and things but eventually let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who say they are on OP's team by telling her she should not let this woman be called Mama Barbara, I say you're on team regret. All i see is a MIL who loves her grandchild. Can't have too much of that, sorry.

And if moms are that important, DH will set his wife straight. His mom gets to decide what she wants to be called. By anyone.

If she is so loving, why does she need to insist on being called Mama? She isn't the child's mother. Surely she can have just as good a relationship if she is referred to as Grandma. DCUM seems to have become infested with super pushy grandparents who can't accept their non-primary role in their grandchildren's lives.

DCUM seems to want to push aside bad controlling behavior and that's exactly what this is. MAMA is used for the MOTHER. Its absurd this MIL is demanding that name and who cares if its a long battle with her...this one is worth the fight IMO and I let a lot of stuff go. No one is challenging her love for a grandchild but clearly she could care less about the feelings of the mother.

+10000 This must have hit a sore spot with several overbearing MILs. MAMA is special and you’ve already had your chance. My heart could burst when I hear my LO call Mama for me.

Well all I can say is that MAMA is special here, but elsewhere it's a term that is used for moms and grandmoms. So if this MIL was raised to call her OWN grandmother Mama X, you can't say she taking a name reserved for moms. As I mentioned, my kids called the grandmother on their dad's side Mamamama. That's what they are called in Latin America, and I'm not about to take away a name SHE wanted.

In Latin America grandmothers are called grandma not mama. I’m from Latin America and have friends from several countries. It’s abuella (Spanish) or vovo (Portuguese.) There is no tradition of calling anyone except the mom “mama”

[Anonymous]

Some of y'all sound really crazy about this issue. I really don't understand. The "mom" is the mom. Maybe because everyone in my family called our grandma, "Mama". The outrage here seems really petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who say they are on OP's team by telling her she should not let this woman be called Mama Barbara, I say you're on team regret. All i see is a MIL who loves her grandchild. Can't have too much of that, sorry.

And if moms are that important, DH will set his wife straight. His mom gets to decide what she wants to be called. By anyone.

If she is so loving, why does she need to insist on being called Mama? She isn't the child's mother. Surely she can have just as good a relationship if she is referred to as Grandma. DCUM seems to have become infested with super pushy grandparents who can't accept their non-primary role in their grandchildren's lives.

DCUM seems to want to push aside bad controlling behavior and that's exactly what this is. MAMA is used for the MOTHER. Its absurd this MIL is demanding that name and who cares if its a long battle with her...this one is worth the fight IMO and I let a lot of stuff go. No one is challenging her love for a grandchild but clearly she could care less about the feelings of the mother.

+10000 This must have hit a sore spot with several overbearing MILs. MAMA is special and you’ve already had your chance. My heart could burst when I hear my LO call Mama for me.

Well all I can say is that MAMA is special here, but elsewhere it's a term that is used for moms and grandmoms. So if this MIL was raised to call her OWN grandmother Mama X, you can't say she taking a name reserved for moms. As I mentioned, my kids called the grandmother on their dad's side Mamamama. That's what they are called in Latin America, and I'm not about to take away a name SHE wanted.

In Latin America grandmothers are called grandma not mama. I’m from Latin America and have friends from several countries. It’s abuella (Spanish) or vovo (Portuguese.) There is no tradition of calling anyone except the mom “mama”

Latin America is pretty big. Don't speak for every country. Mama Chalia was what I called my Mexican grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

That's still "mama."

Oh, FFS. Maybe you and OP should get those sticks removed and you'll feel a lot better.

Sorry that women standing up for their reasonable desires makes you so uncomfortable.

Good God, you're acting like OP's saving her child from a MIL who wants to do physical harm to her child. I'm still waiting for OP to let us know what other terrible things MIL has done that would suggest she's dangerous and chronically overstepping as opposed to a person who has fond memories of calling her own grandmother "Mama Y" and is excited to make similar memories with her own grandchild.

Let's be clear, though, that the subtext here is that OP (and DILs in general) should be treated with kid gloves, lest they withhold their children from MIL. That's just bitchy and uncalled for. Hopefully, though, we're raising our young men to stand up to their wives and their mothers when either overstep so that kind of crap stops.

I think yes, the time when you should be deferential and treat someone with kid gloves includes nearing delivery with their first child and post-partum. A MIL who barges in making unreasonable requests and drama is the bad guy here. Perhaps in a different scenario "Mama X" isn't that big a deal. But it is COMPLETELY understandable why a first-time mom (who did not have that tradition) would object to it. Mom wins in that scenario, and MIL is the one creating drama if she pushes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again

1. I don't know if I'd call her a monster, but she has been nothing but horrible to me. Besides always joking to take our kids away, and they will like her better bullshit, she has told me that my husband will die and leave me widowed then she will take them from me. Cold stone face and dead serious. She is also the same woman who wore a white dress to my wedding, refused to contribute anything because we didn't run the color scheme by her. She offered to help us paint our apt, she came over while we were at work. Laid out colors for certain rooms and a guideline. Came back and she ignored everything and painted everything an off white. We also made it super clear that she should wait until we got home-made we never wanted her to paint but she offered and showed up to do so unexpectedly. Mil will go back and re iron clothes that I've already ironed, she shows up to my house with her own sheets and towels and will put a sheet on our couch before sitting...then throws a fit when I remove it when other come over. I paid a lot for our couch and I like it I don't exactly want a printed butterfly sheet covering it. There is so much crap she pulls that I'm just tired. I could go on and on about how crazy she is but at the end of the day I just don't want her to be called Mama. I'm fine with my kids calling everyone mama or dada for a while. And I even suggested let's wait and see what the kids come up with...but no.

Oh and calling her by her initials isn't meant to be mean or hostile pp. Both grandma's to my nephews are initial Nick names and it's adorable. Think cc pronunced cee cee, and bb, pronunced well, bee bee. I think Gigi or gg or whatever would be cute. Also open to any other name she wants or likes except mom, mama, mommy.

Ha, that's totally the kind of thing my MIL would do. At one point I was attempting the strategy of giving her specific things to do as a way to channel her "helpfulness." But she would completely refuse to follow any suggestions, fight me on my preferred way of doing things, and turn what should have been a 30 minute task into a draining drama-fest. The happy ending is that after several years of knowing her, I know exactly how to avoid this kind of scenario (and yes, she sees her grandkids as much as she wants, we have a good relationship, and I am grateful for her. But no, I am not going to allow her to re-organize my underwear drawer!.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who say they are on OP's team by telling her she should not let this woman be called Mama Barbara, I say you're on team regret. All i see is a MIL who loves her grandchild. Can't have too much of that, sorry.

And if moms are that important, DH will set his wife straight. His mom gets to decide what she wants to be called. By anyone.

If she is so loving, why does she need to insist on being called Mama? She isn't the child's mother. Surely she can have just as good a relationship if she is referred to as Grandma. DCUM seems to have become infested with super pushy grandparents who can't accept their non-primary role in their grandchildren's lives.

DCUM seems to want to push aside bad controlling behavior and that's exactly what this is. MAMA is used for the MOTHER. Its absurd this MIL is demanding that name and who cares if its a long battle with her...this one is worth the fight IMO and I let a lot of stuff go. No one is challenging her love for a grandchild but clearly she could care less about the feelings of the mother.

+10000 This must have hit a sore spot with several overbearing MILs. MAMA is special and you’ve already had your chance. My heart could burst when I hear my LO call Mama for me.

Well all I can say is that MAMA is special here, but elsewhere it's a term that is used for moms and grandmoms. So if this MIL was raised to call her OWN grandmother Mama X, you can't say she taking a name reserved for moms. As I mentioned, my kids called the grandmother on their dad's side Mamamama. That's what they are called in Latin America, and I'm not about to take away a name SHE wanted.

In Latin America grandmothers are called grandma not mama. I’m from Latin America and have friends from several countries. It’s abuella (Spanish) or vovo (Portuguese.) There is no tradition of calling anyone except the mom “mama”

+1.

But wait for the clueless Anglo to tell us what "Latinx" should do.