MIL and her "alone time" with DH

[Anonymous]

This story sounds totally fake. Now the MIL has a driver? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This story sounds totally fake. Now the MIL has a driver? Come on.

Yeah, I lost her when MIL was slowly turning into a monster, because PPs told her 4 hours wouldn't change her life.

[Anonymous]

The whole thing is a mess, but the four hours of mil/dh time is not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS OP, she said she wants to spend some alone time with her son. Then you go and ask to be included in that?? Of course she would say no. What did you expect? You sound needy and jealous. No wonder she treats you like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MIL, I certainly get the desire to sometimes have alone time with an adult child. I have a couple friends who have adult sons in other towns and never get a moment with them away from their wives and kids. The wives aren't particularly warm. I think stranding you in a hotel room without transport is going too far.

Try to share, MIL. Try to share. Be patient. If he's raising his kids, either help or wait until he has more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my MIL is crazy and my husband absolutely won't stand up to her. I feel excluded and sad for my child. When I plan outings for the family when she visits she always changes the plans so it's just her and my husband and me and my son excluded. My mother doesn't do this with my siblings and their spouses. I don't know the area well where she lives and it's totally suburban and nothing within walking distance and she insists my son drive in case they won't to go somewhere because god forbid he should drive her car. She makes no effort to spend time w me or my son. I'm dreading thanksgiving and her alone time while I take my son on a walk around suburbia for 4 hours. She is selfish and I'm glad others think this is strange too. My husband for some odd reason is utterly terrified of his mother and would never disobey her. She would DIE if he showed up w our child as our son is relegated to the kitchen only of her house and backyard not the front.

Here's what I don't understand. How do you go from

MIL is crazy. MIL is selfish. DH is terrified of her.

to

I feel excluded and sad for my child.

?????????????????

If MIL is crazy, selfish, and scary, shouldn't you be GLAD to be excluded? And GLAD your DS won't be exposed to her so much?

It sounds like you wish MIL were somebody else, who would love your DS and want to spend time with him, who would love you and include you in everything. But she's not that person. She is, by your own assessment, crazy and selfish and scary. She is who she is. Consider your time away from a crazy, selfish, and scary person as a gift. Because that is what it is.

The one thing I would put my foot down about is being left without a car. Any plan that leaves you stranded at a hotel with a kid for 4 hours in the middle of day is a non-starter. Tell DH he is not taking the car. You will drop him off or he can uber. Period.

[Anonymous]

So she has a car and driver, but insists on having your husband have his car with him in case they want to go somewhere and she won't let him drive her car. Why can't the driver take them both in her car.

You're such a liar, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is the only trip we take basically and my son never sees his dad because of work etc. DH has a very demanding schedule and works most weekends. My son lives to be with him when he can. My MIL is very controlling and everything is her way or no way. I am not controlling and my husband has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. I don't restrict him from doing anything. At home I'm basically a single mom so trips together are special. His mother has no respect for our family and us wanting to do things as a family with her included. She can come visit anytime as finances are far from an issue for her and she doesn't work so between her life of going on lavish trips around the world (as she should. I'm not shaming her for that at all), she could come visit and get her alone time. But instead she demands us to come to her but doesn't like us to really be with her but an hour a day except for her alone time with DH. My son has no clue who she is. It's sad but anyways I hate the alone time thing when we are on trips. DH said he would talk to her about leaving me the car. The hotel doesn't have an indoor pool but a restaurant. My 3 yo in a restaurant leaves much to be desired. I'm sure we can uber to a park if DH has the car.

You don't have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem. And you have some problems yourself--for starters, you are a doormat. Neither of these things is your MIL's fault.

Your son never sees his dad because of his dad's work. Not your MIL's fault.
Your DH has a demanding schedule and works most weekends. Not your MIL's fault.
Your son loves to be with his dad when he can. Not your MIL's fault.
Your DH has many hobbies and gets free time when he isn't working anytime he would like. Not your MIL's fault.
You don't restrict DH from doing anything. Not your MIL's fault.
You are basically a single mom. Not your MIL's fault.

If MIL is controlling, has no respect, and doesn't appear to care about your son, WHY do you want him to spend more time with her? Shouldn't you be happy that you don't see her more?

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason alone time has to be in the middle of the day? Given the fact that your MIL is insane, I would have no problem with DH spending alone time with her so that you and your son can avoid her but why can't they go to dinner instead? That way, you and your son can go to the hotel restaurant or order room service and you can put him to bed and read a book or something. I think asking for 4 hours alone in the middle of the day when you are there to visit her is ridiculous.

Is there a hotel in her area with an indoor pool? That could at least fill up some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... saw MIL for the 30 mins that she had for us today and when she brought up the alone time and how much she is looking forward to it, I said that it would be so lovely if my son could join them or me and my son so we could have a nice afternoon together. She then told me that I'm not really family and being married to her son for 5 years doesn't entitle me to that private time and maybe never will. She said to me that it's normal for MiLs and FILs to keep their children's spouses at arms reach because that's all they are, spouses. Really looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her!

Anonymous wrote:What was your husband's response to this? I'm assuming he didn't contradict his mother - which means, again, YOU HAVE A DH PROBLEM, not a MIL problem.

Anonymous wrote:He wasn't nearby when she said it. My MIL has really made me appreciate my parents so much more. I'm greatful and thankful for my relationship w them and how great they are to my husband.

Well, your mistake was not saying what you did when your DH was present. Sounds like you're afraid to do so. Which, again, isn't your MIL's fault or problem. You have a lot of problems within your nuclear family and within yourself.....if you're not a troll. Starting to suspect you are.

[Anonymous]

I always advocate family harmony over taking a stand, but this situation is ridiculous. Does your DH know how she speaks to you? If he does and lets it go that is unacceptable.

There's nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time alone with her son, but she's going out of her way to make you feel excluded and make her "alone time" inconvenient for you. It is unbelievably rude. Why would she even bring that up in your presence during a 30 minute visit?? Goodness.

I would refuse to attend holiday celebrations with her in the future. If she asks why say that holidays are a time to be with family and she apparently does not regard you and your son as such. Tell her she is welcome to visit any time she likes and DH will do his best to spend time with her as his busy schedule allows.

[Anonymous]

"Alone time"? It's giving incest vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anybody remember the thread about the DS who never could get any alone time with his dad because second wife always insisted on being there too? How sad we thought it was?
Hmmmm.....

[Anonymous]

Are you that insecure that you cannot handle one afternoon w/o your husband? I am a DIL and I INSIST that DH spend quality time with his elderly mother who lives out of state. An afternoon or an evening. No one will die from that.

[Anonymous]

Stop flying out to see her. Full stop. Do not book tickets. Do not get on the plane.

DH and I are of like minds that we do not play boomer games. It has worked amazingly well for us. If a trip is unenjoyable or logistically unreasonable for either of us ,we don’t do it. Pout, stamp foot, stink eye..knock yourself out and stew on your eye. We will not play boomer games and make ourselves miserable on vacation.