An immigrants musings on the SAHM vs working mom debate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

Or when you call yourself a SAHM but really do a few freelance projects a year to keep a hand in your career. That's what I did for 6 years, regularly turned down job offers and quickly had a FT job when I wanted it. Yes, DH brought in 99% of the income those years but he was dependent on me to care for our children (which is why SAHMs should have life insurance too). Dependency goes both ways in a marriage, as it should. We both work now but we also both depend on each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

If you are an independently wealthy woman, then you inherited money from mom and dad...way to go! That's awesome...and I'm totally jealous...but you are an outlier. You know that, right? The whole 1 percent thing should give you a clue that your situation isn't the norm.

But WOHMs are like snowflakes...each with her own story.

Candidly, if I were independently wealthy I'd probably still work...especially if I had daughters.

[Anonymous]

Back to the you can assume about me but I can't assume about you. Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

Or when you call yourself a SAHM but really do a few freelance projects a year to keep a hand in your career. That's what I did for 6 years, regularly turned down job offers and quickly had a FT job when I wanted it. Yes, DH brought in 99% of the income those years but he was dependent on me to care for our children (which is why SAHMs should have life insurance too). Dependency goes both ways in a marriage, as it should. We both work now but we also both depend on each other.

But that's impossible! Faith and trust in a marriage? What?

[Anonymous]

The whole point is that women should be allowed to choose for themselves. You can be a homemaker or the first female president. Rah rah.

It really boggles my mind that so many women seem to miss the point on this.


/working mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Working out of the home is not the privilege. The CHOICE is the privilege.

yes this. Why is this so hard for folks to understand???????????? We are all different people and thus different things make us feel fulfilled and content. You do you, I'll do me. One choice has no bearing on the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't seem like musings. It's you starting another lame WOHM vs SAHM debate. Good for you that you love working out of the home, that you don't envy SAHMs and that you think working is the only way to contribute to society. Clap, clap.

My parents were immigrants and they love America as do I. It's because we have the CHOICE. No one here is forced to stay veiled and at home. If we can afford to stay at home we have that choice.

You don't have to put down a SAHM by thinking she isn't a contributing member to society. Your missing the point of the freedoms we have. Rather than thinking you are doing some great service to the world by earning a paycheck you're missing that you have that choice to do so or to not do so.

Working out of the home is not the privilege. The CHOICE is the privilege.

Yup, right here is the entire "argument," such as it is. No other words necessary.

It's not a *real* choice though, for many on DCUM. A real choice is when a woman is independently wealthy and doesn't have to make a financial or professional gamble to SAH. It seems to me that most of the women on DCUM who SAH do so because 1) their spouses worked really long hours/traveled frequently so it was too hard on the family not to have the wife SAH; 2) women were not able to negotiate a family-friendly work load (big law) after having young kids; 3) women earned too little to justify working only to break even with the high cost of child care.

It's a choice for the couple. There are many working women with SAHDs or husbands with super flexible part time hours too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a trust fund and a great pre nup protecting my pre marital assets. I made the choice to have three children and stay at home, I won't return to full time work.

Most of my friends have chosen to SAH, and are happy with their choice. it's having the choice that made them feel grateful.

So you are not contributing at all to society, just living off the hard work of your ancestors. Bully for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Working out of the home is not the privilege. The CHOICE is the privilege.

yes this. Why is this so hard for folks to understand???????????? We are all different people and thus different things make us feel fulfilled and content. You do you, I'll do me. One choice has no bearing on the other.

Totally agree. I don't know why this has to be hashed out every few days on here. I'm glad I have choices. I'm mostly SAH now that my kids are little, but I plan to pick up more hours when they hit school age. If something happenned to dh or his job, I'm educated and have a lot of pre-kids work experience to fall back on. I'm glad I can forge a life that works for me and my family, and I don't begrudge anyone else their choices. How someone else chooses to live is not a reflection on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

If you are an independently wealthy woman, then you inherited money from mom and dad...way to go! That's awesome...and I'm totally jealous...but you are an outlier. You know that, right? The whole 1 percent thing should give you a clue that your situation isn't the norm.

But WOHMs are like snowflakes...each with her own story.

Candidly, if I were independently wealthy I'd probably still work...especially if I had daughters.

Me too. I don't understand staying home all day, going to yoga, going to whole foods, gossiping, shopping and taking naps.

If I had a trust fund, I'd still work but it wouldn't necessarily be at Delloite. I'd work in a charity for a cause I care about.

[Anonymous]

This SAH is not always forever. They can still become independent and grow their mind.
I chose to stay at home for 6 months after baby was born, them work part time until he goes to school and then full time when he will be in school.
Never thought that working is a privilege. The feminist movement was awhile ago. I'm pretty sure my friends in Europe can work or SAH also.
The choice has been there for awhile and we haven't really thought about place like Pakistan. If we think about Pakistan, then the physical abuse of women comes to mind rather than weather they are allowed to work outside home or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

If you are an independently wealthy woman, then you inherited money from mom and dad...way to go! That's awesome...and I'm totally jealous...but you are an outlier. You know that, right? The whole 1 percent thing should give you a clue that your situation isn't the norm.

But WOHMs are like snowflakes...each with her own story.

Candidly, if I were independently wealthy I'd probably still work...especially if I had daughters.

Me too. I don't understand staying home all day, going to yoga, going to whole foods, gossiping, shopping and taking naps.

If I had a trust fund, I'd still work but it wouldn't necessarily be at Delloite. I'd work in a charity for a cause I care about.

You're not describing the life of anyone with kids. Especially little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note: you are completely dependent on your husband when you are a SAHM. That's a fact. But the assumptions people make about wohms are rarely grounded in fact. You have no way of knowing how many hours I work, if I telecommute, if I leave at 6am and get home by 3:30, etc. See?

Fact. Not when you are an independently wealthy woman.

See?

If you are an independently wealthy woman, then you inherited money from mom and dad...way to go! That's awesome...and I'm totally jealous...but you are an outlier. You know that, right? The whole 1 percent thing should give you a clue that your situation isn't the norm.

But WOHMs are like snowflakes...each with her own story.

Candidly, if I were independently wealthy I'd probably still work...especially if I had daughters.

Me too. I don't understand staying home all day, going to yoga, going to whole foods, gossiping, shopping and taking naps.

If I had a trust fund, I'd still work but it wouldn't necessarily be at Delloite. I'd work in a charity for a cause I care about.

But who said that is what anyone is doing? That's as wrong as an assumption as it would be for me to assume that you handed your newborn off at 8 weeks to a daycare and live a hectic resentful existence where you never see your kids. I'm not doing that about you.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

It isn't really about whether you have money or not. Many Pakistani-Americans I know, who come from wealthy families back home, are eager to work. They don't need the money. For them, it is a matter of pride. They go to excellent schools and are ambitious. They're the women with the highest GPAs, do Model UN, are leads in the school play, go to Ivy Leagues, write OP Eds for and think pieces in publications of their choice etc. They also tend to marry well, because their parents arrange their matches, but the women still go on to dental school or medical school and become extremely successful. To them, it is low class to not have any ambition or want to better yourself intellectually or professionally. We work, not necessarily for the money but also because as a thinking living human being,it is necessarily to flex our intellectual muscles.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate your view OP. I think that what's best for women is each individual being able to live the best life she can. As moms, citizens, workers, it's all about having choices and not being condemned for just doing the best you can for your family situation.

More power to WOHM and SAHMS, I say