Honestly: is 41 too old to have a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"For me, 50+ will be all about taking things at a slower more leisurely pace, not shuttling kids to sports practices and school events. I would, however, love attending these and/or doing these things for any grandchildren. "

Did you spend your 20s raising kids? I didn't, I had my first child when I was 31. I had plenty of vacations and time alone with DH before we had kids. My youngest child will be at home until I'm 55, and I'm very happy to be shuttling him/them to practices and events in the first half of my 50s.

Yes, I did, but you're wrong if you assume I didn't "live". I have an incredibly supportive family closeby and my parents and siblings have always been available when DH and I wanted to travel alone. I finished college. We had good careers. I was never interested in living wild and crazy in my 20s and while I had a brief spell of bar hopping and enjoy being single, getting drunk and having one-night stands was never my thing. I guess that's why so many Moms post here about longing for their old single days and generally not being happy that "this is now my life".

I enjoy the benefits of having children in my 20's and look forward to nurturing a relationship with them in adulthood as well. I have no longing to go wild in my 40's (I'll be an empty nester at 45). I just look forward to ushering my children into the world and reaping the benefits of doing things at my pace and without a thought to what my minor children need.

Living in your 20s can definitely be fun (I've experienced it) and I look forward to a different kind of adult fun with my DH when I'm 45.

Your understanding of "having fun in one's twenties" is pathetically limited. It's not (certainly not only) about getting drunk and having one-night stands. My DH and I spent our twenties in intellectual pursuits - getting our PhDs and establishing actual careers, unlike what you, at 45, "had" at some point in distant past. You have no clue - and never will - what a true professional life looks like.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

You know the child ages as well, right? There's nothing all that hard about having a 10 yr old when you're 50 or a 20 yr old when you're 60. Unless you don't want to, then don't, of course.

One woman's hell is another's heaven. I'm in heaven.

Good for y'all, but when I'm 50+ I want my days of dealing with teenhood well behind me and look forward to being in a place where it's just about me and DH and spending time together. Different strokes, I guess.

Yup! And yours sounds pretty boring.

Sounds boring? Really? I think it sounds great. I'll be able to vacation with just hubby and spend well-earned alone time with him. I'll hopefully watch my children marry and have children. I'll babysit and they'll hopefully take family vacations with us.

For me, 50+ will be all about taking things at a slower more leisurely pace, not shuttling kids to sports practices and school events. I would, however, love attending these and/or doing these things for any grandchildren.

See, some of us had our 20s when we were in our 20s. If you missed being a carefree 20-something in your 20s, it's all good, you can try to fill that in when you are in your 50s. For others, though, it seems entirely reasonable to be raising kids in our 50s, because we've sown our oats and enjoy having kids around now.

Actually, I'll be 45, so not exactly, old right? I had fun in my 20s (which was admittedly sophomoric fun) and look forward to having fun in my 40's as well. It doesn't have to be an either/or thing. Not everyone is wild and irresponsible in their 20's. Family is very important to me and I pray that I continue to have good health and get to play an active role in the lives of my grandchildren.

Oh, really? Having children and "having fun" is either mutually exclusive or not. Your argument was that poor older parents will suffer in their fifties and sixties because they will have to take care of the children reveals that you believe that, in fact, it is not compatible. If so, it was not compatible for you in your twenties, either.

Personally, I believe that there exists a certain type of a woman (quite common in the lower IQ group) that is completely unburdened by any need to think about deeper issues in life. It is probably best for that kind of a woman to start reproducing early on. But - and you have to trust me on this, as you have never experienced it - there are women out there that are actually smart and talented. They face a different set of issues, and your life path is extremely unappealing.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I'm the snowboard-lacrosse mom. There is nothing in my post the should insinuate that I'm a sidelines mom or just a slave to my kids' pursuits because I'm "old". I'm in my 40's but I've been snowboarding for many years. I ride the black diamonds with my kids. But all of my "old" friends with kids are like this to some degree. We ski, snowboard, travel the world, etc. all with our children and all of this- *GASP*- while being in our 40's and 50's. We all have lots of fun together. Maybe that's why there isn't a gray hair on my head

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I'm the snowboard-lacrosse mom. There is nothing in my post the should insinuate that I'm a sidelines mom or just a slave to my kids' pursuits because I'm "old". I'm in my 40's but I've been snowboarding for many years. I ride the black diamonds with my kids. But all of my "old" friends with kids are like this to some degree. We ski, snowboard, travel the world, etc. all with our children

I don't think you are an "older mom" if you are in your 40s and snowboarding with your children?

Perhaps we are similar ages - I am 43 and have a 9 and 11 year old, had them at age 32 and 33. So I am not the older mom (birth at 40+) that this post is referring to. So neither are you I wouldn't think or do you mean you are nearing 50 and snowboard with little ones?

OP, I don't think 41 is too old to have a baby by the way.

[Anonymous]

Well- I'm 41, have a 7 and 9 yr old and another on the way (no snowboarding this season). He'll be snowbaording with his brothers as soon as he's old enough. So technically, I am one of those older moms, too

[Anonymous]

06:38-I was typing quickly. Of course, I meant "have" great careers. Unfortunately have not hit the lottery and no inherited wealth, so still working within our careers. Common sense should tell you that we are not both unemployed.

BTW, the "fun" you describe in your 20s can be had at any age (getting PhD, etc) not to mention not something everyone is interested in. A master's is good enough for me, but certainly not something I would have delayed having children for, for sure. Though it might pain you to think so, I am a professional.

06:44, I never said older parents would suffer. I said *I* would as an older parent. Why am I not allowed to have my own opinion? It does not surprise me that you went the "low IQ" route. I'm learning more and more that older women are not as mature and rational as one would hope and strike out in very teenager'ish ways when they feel slighted. Your barb could only sting if it hit the mark, but you're way off with that one. Have fun with that, though.

07:01, you're not exactly an "older Mom" yet. I would hope that someone who is 41 could do all the things you describe. Now, 50+? We'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:06:38-I was typing quickly. Of course, I meant "have" great careers. Unfortunately have not hit the lottery and no inherited wealth, so still working within our careers. Common sense should tell you that we are not both unemployed.

BTW, the "fun" you describe in your 20s can be had at any age (getting PhD, etc) not to mention not something everyone is interested in. A master's is good enough for me, but certainly not something I would have delayed having children for, for sure. Though it might pain you to think so, I am a professional.

06:44, I never said older parents would suffer. I said *I* would as an older parent. Why am I not allowed to have my own opinion? It does not surprise me that you went the "low IQ" route. I'm learning more and more that older women are not as mature and rational as one would hope and strike out in very teenager'ish ways when they feel slighted. Your barb could only sting if it hit the mark, but you're way off with that one. Have fun with that, though.

07:01, you're not exactly an "older Mom" yet. I would hope that someone who is 41 could do all the things you describe. Now, 50+? We'll see.

No, it can't. Theoretically one can pursue PhD in one's forties but that actually doesn't happen (I knew of all of one such case at Harvard and he never finished). But PhD is just a beginning - there is virtually zero chance of establishing even a subpar academic career in your forties. (Of course, you can have a masters degree at that age, but only someone totally clueless would even mention masters' degree in the same sentence as a PhD).

Anyways, as you like to point out, things change as people get older, and there we are in agreement. But for some reason, you want think that that only applies to parenting - one can do whaaaatever she pleases except raise children. You can travel, have great sex, pursue various careers, learn this and that, but for some reason, the rest of us that are your age, cannot "shuttle" kids to practice or deal with teenagers at home. Well, sorry to bring the news but there are plenty of things you can't do - because you are old (kind of) and also, because you didn't start in time.

And your finger-winging "you are immature" for valuing-things-that-you-are-not-supposed-to-value act is pretty boring, as are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not looking forward to retirement because, like a PP said, I've done it all before hand. I did all my running around and traveling the world and dating before I had kids. I now look very forward to having my young kids and one on the way. I love to work, I love having a family and I get a terrible sense of dread thinking about "retiring". Nothing worse in my mind than loafing around with a bunch of old fogies when I could be taking my kids snowboarding or to lacrosse games.

Wow! Did everything huh. You must have a pretty limited view of "everthing!" Nothing beats shuttling your kid to soccer! If all you are going to do is "loaf" when you are retired, why yes, that does sound dull.

[Anonymous]

No, my view of "everything" is hyperbolic, but nonetheless expansive. Degrees, lived in multiple countries, lots of travel, extensive expeditions to very remote places, a couple of careers and more than 10 years of marriage. The great part is that I continue to do those things in my 40's with my kids and will keep doing them until I'm dead. Will they modify as I age? Yes, I already don't lead climb 5.10's anymore for a multitude of reasons, but I still go climbing with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:06:38-I was typing quickly. Of course, I meant "have" great careers. Unfortunately have not hit the lottery and no inherited wealth, so still working within our careers. Common sense should tell you that we are not both unemployed.

BTW, the "fun" you describe in your 20s can be had at any age (getting PhD, etc) not to mention not something everyone is interested in. A master's is good enough for me, but certainly not something I would have delayed having children for, for sure. Though it might pain you to think so, I am a professional.

06:44, I never said older parents would suffer. I said *I* would as an older parent. Why am I not allowed to have my own opinion? It does not surprise me that you went the "low IQ" route. I'm learning more and more that older women are not as mature and rational as one would hope and strike out in very teenager'ish ways when they feel slighted. Your barb could only sting if it hit the mark, but you're way off with that one. Have fun with that, though.

07:01, you're not exactly an "older Mom" yet. I would hope that someone who is 41 could do all the things you describe. Now, 50+? We'll see.

No, it can't. Theoretically one can pursue PhD in one's forties but that actually doesn't happen (I knew of all of one such case at Harvard and he never finished). But PhD is just a beginning - there is virtually zero chance of establishing even a subpar academic career in your forties. (Of course, you can have a masters degree at that age, but only someone totally clueless would even mention masters' degree in the same sentence as a PhD).

Anyways, as you like to point out, things change as people get older, and there we are in agreement. But for some reason, you want think that that only applies to parenting - one can do whaaaatever she pleases except raise children. You can travel, have great sex, pursue various careers, learn this and that, but for some reason, the rest of us that are your age, cannot "shuttle" kids to practice or deal with teenagers at home. Well, sorry to bring the news but there are plenty of things you can't do - because you are old (kind of) and also, because you didn't start in time.

And your finger-winging "you are immature" for valuing-things-that-you-are-not-supposed-to-value act is pretty boring, as are you.

You can absolutely get your PhD in your 20s if you're motivated and that's what interests you. Not sure how mentioning a Master's shows being clueless, but I'm sure you have the inside info on that one. BTW, I never said anything about getting a PhD/masters/career advancement in my 40s, so not sure where that rant came from.

You keep forgetting that I said *I* didn't want to do any child-raising in my 40s. The OP asked a question and I answered. Why is your opinion more valid than mine? If you're 40+, you should realize that not everyone shares your viewpoints and it's not rational to get all bent out of shape and resort to sophomoric insults because of varying opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not looking forward to retirement because, like a PP said, I've done it all before hand. I did all my running around and traveling the world and dating before I had kids. I now look very forward to having my young kids and one on the way. I love to work, I love having a family and I get a terrible sense of dread thinking about "retiring". Nothing worse in my mind than loafing around with a bunch of old fogies when I could be taking my kids snowboarding or to lacrosse games.

So you stopped living once you became a mom? I became a mom in my 20s and the fun didnt stop nor did the globe-trotting. My social life has always been very important to me. You can still be a great mom and still make time for outside activities. My parents were young parents (I was away in college by their late 30s) and they had lots of fun together and with friends. My mom would take us out alll day on Saturday and run us ragged and we'd go to aunts/uncles house and play with cousins until we passed out there. The next weekend, my mom would have my cousins over and we'd all play outside and bake cookies before my mom gave us "makeovers" (manis/pedis/light makeup). Our grandparents would steal us for long weekends often and who the hell knew what our parents were up to. We didn't care! I do/did the same today with my family.

Of course you would look forward to having kids now, you hadn't experienced it previously. Many younger parents look forward to being empty nesters because they have teens. One deserves some solitude after dealing with teens and hormones, at any age.lol It doesn't mean we've never had lives of our own before. I know someone dig being martyrs, but I'm not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not looking forward to retirement because, like a PP said, I've done it all before hand. I did all my running around and traveling the world and dating before I had kids. I now look very forward to having my young kids and one on the way. I love to work, I love having a family and I get a terrible sense of dread thinking about "retiring". Nothing worse in my mind than loafing around with a bunch of old fogies when I could be taking my kids snowboarding or to lacrosse games.

So you stopped living once you became a mom? I became a mom in my 20s and the fun didnt stop nor did the globe-trotting. My social life has always been very important to me. You can still be a great mom and still make time for outside activities. My parents were young parents (I was away in college by their late 30s) and they had lots of fun together and with friends. My mom would take us out alll day on Saturday and run us ragged and we'd go to aunts/uncles house and play with cousins until we passed out there. The next weekend, my mom would have my cousins over and we'd all play outside and bake cookies before my mom gave us "makeovers" (manis/pedis/light makeup). Our grandparents would steal us for long weekends often and who the hell knew what our parents were up to. We didn't care! I do/did the same today with my family.

Of course you would look forward to having kids now, you hadn't experienced it previously. Many younger parents look forward to being empty nesters because they have teens. One deserves some solitude after dealing with teens and hormones, at any age.lol It doesn't mean we've never had lives of our own before. I know someone dig being martyrs, but I'm not one of them.

I'm 20:14 and I absolutely agree with you. I'm not sure why some older Moms assume we haven't lived (or aren't living) if we had children in our 20s. My family life is very similar to yours and I love it. My DH and I are planning such a weekend as you describe next weekend (sleepover at grandparents who are in their mid-50's) while we have some adult fun. We also plan to go on a adults-only 4 day trip to San Francisco next month. Family life, alone time and travel is very important to us and we plan our lives to enjoy all of these things.

Like you mention, and I think this is key, most of these women haven't experienced raising teenagers. Everything can seem rosy when you're in the 4-10 age groove. I have two teen daughters (one of which is all about the "Breakfast Club" style of teenage angst) and I love them dearly, but when they leave for college, I'll be both sad and relieved. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"For me, 50+ will be all about taking things at a slower more leisurely pace, not shuttling kids to sports practices and school events. I would, however, love attending these and/or doing these things for any grandchildren. "

Did you spend your 20s raising kids? I didn't, I had my first child when I was 31. I had plenty of vacations and time alone with DH before we had kids. My youngest child will be at home until I'm 55, and I'm very happy to be shuttling him/them to practices and events in the first half of my 50s.

Yes, I did, but you're wrong if you assume I didn't "live". I have an incredibly supportive family closeby and my parents and siblings have always been available when DH and I wanted to travel alone. I finished college. We had good careers. I was never interested in living wild and crazy in my 20s and while I had a brief spell of bar hopping and enjoy being single, getting drunk and having one-night stands was never my thing. I guess that's why so many Moms post here about longing for their old single days and generally not being happy that "this is now my life".

I enjoy the benefits of having children in my 20's and look forward to nurturing a relationship with them in adulthood as well. I have no longing to go wild in my 40's (I'll be an empty nester at 45). I just look forward to ushering my children into the world and reaping the benefits of doing things at my pace and without a thought to what my minor children need.

Living in your 20s can definitely be fun (I've experienced it) and I look forward to a different kind of adult fun with my DH when I'm 45.

Your understanding of "having fun in one's twenties" is pathetically limited. It's not (certainly not only) about getting drunk and having one-night stands. My DH and I spent our twenties in intellectual pursuits - getting our PhDs and establishing actual careers, unlike what you, at 45, "had" at some point in distant past. You have no clue - and never will - what a true professional life looks like.

And your example of fun is pursuing your PhD? That sounds absurdly dull. I have what's considered a "cool" career, and while I enjoy it, my family, friends, and social pursuits are far more important to me. Obtaining advanced degrees were a means to an end for me (and many others), not fun.

You sound really insecure. It's unfortunate, because waiting to have children is a legitimate choice, yet you don't sound confident about the choices you've made.

[Anonymous]

I like how the OP posted in the 50+ forum and asked specifically for responses from people "with life experience" on this path... And so many people that DON'T fit that description are responding with their two cents.

[Anonymous]

Because *I* have an opinion and everyone should here it. I mean hear it.