Impressive parents with below average kids

[Anonymous]

I actually think the OP and most of the comments were not about impressive people with “unimpressive” children. They were about “impressive” people who are not good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the OP and most of the comments were not about impressive people with “unimpressive” children. They were about “impressive” people who are not good parents.

Exactly. I think there is a problem in certain UMC circles where the things they think are "impressive" are actually incompatible with good parenting.

A lot of the parents I know who are obsessed with being impressive or having impressive kids make selfish choices based on the image they want to project and not based on what their kids need. Like they insist on lots of foreign travel to sophisticated locations where their kids are bored and jet lagged, because they want their kids to be "well traveled." But they'd probably be better off doing less elaborate travel and focusing on building their kids' resilience, patience, and encouraging existing interests. They wind up with kids who are "sophisticated" but not necessarily impressive people. Their kids might have done better if the focus had been more on building their character, developing values, socialization, etc., rather than pushing them to behave like small, sophisticated adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the OP and most of the comments were not about impressive people with “unimpressive” children. They were about “impressive” people who are not good parents.

Exactly. I think there is a problem in certain UMC circles where the things they think are "impressive" are actually incompatible with good parenting.

A lot of the parents I know who are obsessed with being impressive or having impressive kids make selfish choices based on the image they want to project and not based on what their kids need. Like they insist on lots of foreign travel to sophisticated locations where their kids are bored and jet lagged, because they want their kids to be "well traveled." But they'd probably be better off doing less elaborate travel and focusing on building their kids' resilience, patience, and encouraging existing interests. They wind up with kids who are "sophisticated" but not necessarily impressive people. Their kids might have done better if the focus had been more on building their character, developing values, socialization, etc., rather than pushing them to behave like small, sophisticated adults.

Op here. You may be right that these impressive people are not good parents. Several of my adult friends seem to really struggle with parenting. This post was about one family whose parents are total rock stars in every way possible except parenting. I seem to have many adult friends whose kids are just not doing well. I am just shocked at how my friends can be so passive with these kids who are so disrespectful. I have another friend whose daughter is just super spoiled. The girl is smart though. She is so rude and so entitled. The parents seem to continue to spoil her, apologize for her bad behavior and seem to accept her as she is.

My parent friends who are the parents are my kids’ friends are not all impressive academically or professionally, but they have some nice well behaved great kids who are doing well academically, socially and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add that these parents can’t take when their kid is upset. When the kid cries or has hurt feelings, the parents fix the problem right away. I believe this has really stunted and hurt their children’s development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Impressive = they have more material things: large house, multiple expensive cars.

We judge success by income.

If your children do not have many material possessions, they really are not very impressive; don’t you agree ?

+1

[Anonymous]

Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

Agree. And while you can outsource common parenting tasks (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), you absolutely cannot outsource good parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

Agree. And while you can outsource common parenting tasks (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), you absolutely cannot outsource good parenting.

I think part of the problem is that they have nannies and housekeepers the kids boss around. These kids are no longer young children. I was shocked at how spoiled my friend’s daughter was. My friend has told me how her relationship with her own mother has gotten worse because the daughter punched the grandmother and the mom scolded my friend. I was totally on my friend’s side until I witnessed the kid. The once difficult toddler who had tantrums has now become a tyrant. The kid rules her house in a bad way. Mom and dad on eggshells around this kid. I don’t understand how smart people can be such terrible parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

Agree. And while you can outsource common parenting tasks (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), you absolutely cannot outsource good parenting.

I think part of the problem is that they have nannies and housekeepers the kids boss around. These kids are no longer young children. I was shocked at how spoiled my friend’s daughter was. My friend has told me how her relationship with her own mother has gotten worse because the daughter punched the grandmother and the mom scolded my friend. I was totally on my friend’s side until I witnessed the kid. The once difficult toddler who had tantrums has now become a tyrant. The kid rules her house in a bad way. Mom and dad on eggshells around this kid. I don’t understand how smart people can be such terrible parents.

Denial. Because if they really acknowledged how bad their kids are, they would need to acknowledge that it’s their fault for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than raising the kids. They want to stay selfish so they stay in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

Agree. And while you can outsource common parenting tasks (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), you absolutely cannot outsource good parenting.

I think part of the problem is that they have nannies and housekeepers the kids boss around. These kids are no longer young children. I was shocked at how spoiled my friend’s daughter was. My friend has told me how her relationship with her own mother has gotten worse because the daughter punched the grandmother and the mom scolded my friend. I was totally on my friend’s side until I witnessed the kid. The once difficult toddler who had tantrums has now become a tyrant. The kid rules her house in a bad way. Mom and dad on eggshells around this kid. I don’t understand how smart people can be such terrible parents.

What makes you think that your friend is so smart? If she was smart she would understand how allowing her children to mistreat adults is a problem and the first time she saw her child boss around an adult should have been the last time.

Did her child feel bad about punching her grandmother ? If not she should be concerned. These are signs that a smart person would pick up on and a smart person would be concerned enough to make it her full time job to fix his behavior. If she’s a tyrant at home she probably is at the very least bossy outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting well is difficult and exhausting. It’s impossible to do it while pushing very hard in your career. People can get away with it if it’s only one parent who has a big career, or if they end up lucky with very easy to parent kids. But otherwise not.

Agree. And while you can outsource common parenting tasks (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), you absolutely cannot outsource good parenting.

I think part of the problem is that they have nannies and housekeepers the kids boss around. These kids are no longer young children. I was shocked at how spoiled my friend’s daughter was. My friend has told me how her relationship with her own mother has gotten worse because the daughter punched the grandmother and the mom scolded my friend. I was totally on my friend’s side until I witnessed the kid. The once difficult toddler who had tantrums has now become a tyrant. The kid rules her house in a bad way. Mom and dad on eggshells around this kid. I don’t understand how smart people can be such terrible parents.

What makes you think that your friend is so smart? If she was smart she would understand how allowing her children to mistreat adults is a problem and the first time she saw her child boss around an adult should have been the last time.

Did her child feel bad about punching her grandmother ? If not she should be concerned. These are signs that a smart person would pick up on and a smart person would be concerned enough to make it her full time job to fix his behavior. If she’s a tyrant at home she probably is at the very least bossy outside of the home.

Both my friend and her husband did well academically. They run a huge successful company. Dad is out of the home. Mom also works a lot. This is a different family than the family I was referring to in my original post. The OP family is much more impressive. The tyrant daughter family is rich and well educated but nothing extraordinary. My OP family has super impressive parents, not just typical ivy educated, has a successful business or law firm partner type parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.

Funny you say this. My mom had a friend who was very educated and well to do who had two nightmares of kids. Horribly horribly behaved in every way. Now one is a neurosurgeon and the other is an anesthesiologist.

Yep.

The kid with the worst behavior in my family ended up being an interventional radiologist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the OP and most of the comments were not about impressive people with “unimpressive” children. They were about “impressive” people who are not good parents.

Same. A lot of "impressive" people are just too focused on their own success to care about their kids. Kids turn out best when they have parents who care and show up for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have noticed many parents we know who are superstars in their fields have average/below average children. The kids are not motivated.

I wonder if they were born less intelligent or it is their upbringing.

We just spent the weekend with a family whose parents are some of the most intelligent kind people we know. Their kids are an absolute disaster in every way possible.

Funny you say this. My mom had a friend who was very educated and well to do who had two nightmares of kids. Horribly horribly behaved in every way. Now one is a neurosurgeon and the other is an anesthesiologist.

Yep.

The kid with the worst behavior in my family ended up being an interventional radiologist!

You really can't equate behavior of children with who they become as adults. They're not fully baked and lots of gifted kids have asymmetrical development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the parents spend more time on their careers than with the children.

This.
It's the kids whose parents are/were teachers/professors who tend to be in the brightest naturally in our circle. Not the $$$$ career folks. Their kids are ignored.

So it really isn’t an issue of one spending time and one not. The reason kids of teachers do better in school is that the teacher/prof parent understands how teachers/prof grade. They also understand where gaps are in the education system so they supplement in ways that work better.