Why are so many parents fumbling raising boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I have one of each - boy and girl. By the time they were 2 or 3, they were well aware of stereotypes.

I appreciate the comments on the lack of good role models for boys. Look at our current administration and their values and behavior.

While I believe that there are very minor biological differences between the two, it is exacerbated by how we parent. For instance, boys are born slightly better with spatial skills. They are given more toys like legos that enhance those skills and play with them more and get more practice. Over time, the difference snowballs into a significant gap. While the boys were playing with the legos, the girls were given dolls, so they were practicing their social emotional skills. Again, over time, the minor biological difference turns into something quite significant when they enter kindergarten.

There are very major biological differences between men and women. This is a scientific fact and much of these differences are innate rather than culture or environment.

If it’s biological, why is it not true for some men and why is it not true for some women?

Take a remedial statistics course before you ask stupid questions.

No thanks I’m a mathematician and was a statistician for a while.

Please name a biological fact that affects boys/girls unless it’s something to do with their penis and vagina it’s not biological.

Testosterone
Estrogen

Both men and women have both and obviously the varying levels are due to social factors. If you rub more dolls on your cervix during pregnancy, your baby will have more estrogen. Everyone knows this.

[Anonymous]

Is it clear the boys are doing so much worse? My brothers, who are boomers, grew up getting in fist fights and ditching school. They all went to college and became successful people.

To the extent that there are worse outcomes for boys now, I blame three things: 1) the college arms race which makes it harder to come back from immaturity in HS years (and the science is well established that boys brains mature more slowly); 2) video games and online porn both of which are omnipresent for teenage boys and basically addictive.
I dot think parents are doing anything wrong, or at least not more so than what they did in previous generations. But those two things are major headwinds for boys. My own teen is sitting her eating his breakfast and face timing with his very nice girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The boys are not ok on a societal level and I think it’s too widespread to blame them. It has to be a parental issue.

What are areas of improvement you could’ve done in your own parenting of boys upon reflection?

What we are doing/ did is fine. What is failing them is schools and “society” in general.

Then YOU are not preparing them to live in society in general. Take accountability.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I mean, women were left behind for millennia. Women are still victims of mass rape, assault, murder at the hands of men. When a woman gets raped, it's very common to excuse the actions of the man by worrying about HIS future.

No one cares at all when women struggle or go through pain, but the second men lag behind or have a "loneliness epidemic" it's a crisis and everyone needs to fix it. How about men deal with these adversities the same way women have had to for millennia? Oh well!

Both men and WOMEN do horrible things to each other. Why do women get a free pass? Many men deal with adversities.

No, they do not. Women are not raping/murdering/ assaulting men en masse the way men are to women.

+1

When I read that it reminded me of "there are good people on both sides"..... well, not always. Women do have the capacity on an individual level to do horrible things, but I've literally never heard of a gang rape of a man by a group of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I mean, women were left behind for millennia. Women are still victims of mass rape, assault, murder at the hands of men. When a woman gets raped, it's very common to excuse the actions of the man by worrying about HIS future.

No one cares at all when women struggle or go through pain, but the second men lag behind or have a "loneliness epidemic" it's a crisis and everyone needs to fix it. How about men deal with these adversities the same way women have had to for millennia? Oh well!

Both men and WOMEN do horrible things to each other. Why do women get a free pass? Many men deal with adversities.

No, they do not. Women are not raping/murdering/ assaulting men en masse the way men are to women.

I often wonder how underreported this really is. I bet it's a lot.

Probably. Either out of shame by the man/boy or because they liked it in a twisted way.

Men are the ones raping the boys usually.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We’ve raised our four boys like you’d raise girls as the social/ emotional skills of girls are more valued in school-aged years. They all play a string instruments and began ballet at 2 (they still all are in dance at 4,6,9,13). They don’t play traditional boy sports so we can avoid the toxic masculine energy. They speak two languages. We require exquisite manners and don’t tolerate rough housing. They also have no access to screens without a parent present.

While kind of extreme, I don’t disagree. If we celebrated “softer” boys things would be better in the classroom and outside it. It’s not fair to girls to be surrounded by toxic masculinity from such an early age.

Again, more hate on the male sex right here with the above poster.

Seriously, why is it always "toxic masculinity" and never "toxic feminity"? Can't you see how your words and attitudes are part of the problem?

+1000

Please. There’s plenty of talk about “toxic femininity.” Why do you think there are only “mean girls,” but not boys? Women know that other women are often their worst enemies.

Plenty of people are fumbling raising their KIDS. I wouldn't limit it to boys.
I have an unathletic son. He does not get bullied. He is completely ignored by the "cool boys", they act like he is not even there. They are secure in their popularity and don't need to put him down. Meanwhile my son finds friends among the other boys like him and we are doing our best to improve his fitness.
My friend has an awkward daughter and she is tormented by the pretty girls. "Your glasses make your eyes look crossed." "Why is your face so weird" and so on. Why do they have to insult her? See the "Beauty and Fashion" forum for more of this.
And when parents find out their kids are doing this, they don't really want to punish the behavior because deep-down they are so happy that their kid is one of the popular ones. They don't want to risk upsetting that status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men working 50-70 hour weeks and traveling for work to “provide” and scaling the ladder has left us with a generation of boys with no fathering even if a father is “in the house”.

You don't need a father to raise a good person. My brother and my son were all raised by single mothers. They've all turned out to be good people with FT jobs. Their mothers prioritized a good education and home responsibilities. My DS is 20 and is off this weekend. He got up early with the dog so I could sleep in. He emptied the dishwasher and is now going through his closet so I can take some clothes to Goodwill. He made dinner last night and cleaned two bathrooms. He reads to my mother because her eyesight is awful. You get the idea. He's a good person because I raised him to be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men working 50-70 hour weeks and traveling for work to “provide” and scaling the ladder has left us with a generation of boys with no fathering even if a father is “in the house”.

You don't need a father to raise a good person. My brother and my son were all raised by single mothers. They've all turned out to be good people with FT jobs. Their mothers prioritized a good education and home responsibilities. My DS is 20 and is off this weekend. He got up early with the dog so I could sleep in. He emptied the dishwasher and is now going through his closet so I can take some clothes to Goodwill. He made dinner last night and cleaned two bathrooms. He reads to my mother because her eyesight is awful. You get the idea. He's a good person because I raised him to be one.

Yes and so many people don't take accountability and blame "society". Remember though, that fathers can also be good parents , doesn't need to just be a mom.

[Anonymous]

When your nanny is raising your children you get what you deserve.

[Anonymous]

UMC boys are largely OK. It is the middle class/lower class that are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, suddenly all parents are bad at raising boys. /s

The actual reason is that stereotypical boy traits are being less valued in schools and workplaces, while girls have more opportunities than ever, so boys suddenly feel a disadvantage. Add in social media and “manosphere” stuff and that’s it.

This is all because girls and women are oppressed by systemic misogyny and sexism on every level in society.

Only when women are given a fair and equitable chance, can we even begin to taste freedom some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men working 50-70 hour weeks and traveling for work to “provide” and scaling the ladder has left us with a generation of boys with no fathering even if a father is “in the house”.

You don't need a father to raise a good person. My brother and my son were all raised by single mothers. They've all turned out to be good people with FT jobs. Their mothers prioritized a good education and home responsibilities. My DS is 20 and is off this weekend. He got up early with the dog so I could sleep in. He emptied the dishwasher and is now going through his closet so I can take some clothes to Goodwill. He made dinner last night and cleaned two bathrooms. He reads to my mother because her eyesight is awful. You get the idea. He's a good person because I raised him to be one.

Bill Clinton was raised by a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one girl and one boy (teens) and they’re both awesome.

What’s so bad with boys now? My guess would be video game addiction is a big problem, but also we have taken away a lot of opportunities for them to problem solve. There’s not as much free range sand lot games where the entire neighborhood showed up and they handled conflicts and scraped knees. Now it’s travel baseball teams and a ton of parent oversight. Less risk-taking. Fewer opportunities to fail because we are all so scared to let them make their own mistakes because college is so much harder to get into these days.

THIS is what is the issue with kids now - WAY too much oversight, management, helicoptering and snowplowing of elementary and middle school kids so that they can't manage themselves by high school. But that's true for GIRLS AND BOYS.

This this this. Kids aren’t given the opportunity to develop the “grit” that comes from not getting something right the first time (or second or third) and still getting up and trying again. So many parents are also not keeping their kids in activities that they are just mediocre at - there’s something character building about being on a track team or a swim team and coming in at the middle or bottom of the pack and still showing up to practices and meets.

My kid is in martial arts, and to advance past a certain level, there’s a pre-test. She, and most of her cohort, failed the pre-test the first time. They all got tips, worked on it, and came back and passed the next time. It was tough that first time, but made the “win” so much sweeter.

The only reason I can think of that it doesn’t appear to impact girls the same way is once girls hit 11/12 their self-confidence goes down and they start thinking they need to keep everything together and are like ducks furiously peddling their feet under water, so they are putting in the work - but that leads to anxiety and perfectionism, rather than just giving up.

[Anonymous]

I think parents care more about popularity and fitting in more than ever before.

The petty crap groups of boys do on weekends is amazing. I was stuck at home yesterday and was intermittently looking at police scanner info in Ashburn and the number of middle school boys causing problems on one weekend day was astounding. Parents don't give a crap. My siblings and I would have been killed for doing less than these kids.

[Anonymous]

Also want to remind everyone these are suburban spoiled kids.