Women on this forum lalk about sex a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores.

I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me.

When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

You obviously don’t work much nor have kids to raise. That or you’re 24 or a divorced 55 and kids are off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we talk about it a lot because we barely get any from our DHs and when we do it's often poor quality.

Why have most women on DCUM married asexual men? Can anyone explain?

I think I can. When you decide to marry someone to be your partner for life and child rearing, its not just about sex. The decision is loaded with compromise. Its a balance of so many things - intellect, drive, attraction, love, sense of humor, will they make a good parent, etc.

When you’re dating less seriously it can just be about attraction, chemistry and sex if you want it to be. And lets face it, some people just have natural talents and gifts. Much like athletes, musicians, linguists, MENSA level intelligent people - some people just realy understand sex. After you’ve dated a few of them who are just naturally dominant (or whatever you like), confident, know how to turn you on, are hugely endowed and what to do to you, its kinda like making your fat middle aged husband race Usain Bolt. Eventually, especially after the stress of kids, you just get bored with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

DP. I like sex, but I DO need my husband to do some of the chores and childcare. Otherwise, I’m physically exhausted and kind of resentful.
I do NOT need him to be fit and sexy. DH went through a phase where he woke up at 4:30 and went to the gym at 5am every day before work. When he got home from work, he ate dinner and fell asleep, leaving me to do baths and bedtime routines solo. It was NOT a turn on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

so-so sex is the fault of both parties. does she have orgasms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

You sound like a really nice man and a good husband. My guess is that your wife isn’t that interested in sex and has no idea what she likes or how to tell you to make it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

[Anonymous]

I find pigs, slobs, and selfishness unattractive so stop sleeping with someone behaving that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe because men chase them around the house with their boners saying "want to bone" and making a joke of sex instead of being vulnerable and open.

This had to be written by a guy wearing a pu$$y hat and a Harris/Walz t-shirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

Spoken like someone who has taken advantage of women in the past. Or present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores.

I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me.

When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

You obviously don’t work much nor have kids to raise. That or you’re 24 or a divorced 55 and kids are off.

Nope, I’m 48, 2 kids, work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores.

I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me.

When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

You obviously don’t work much nor have kids to raise. That or you’re 24 or a divorced 55 and kids are off.

I am similar to above poster. I work in very high stress role and we have a kid. I have to be on all day making a million decisions with pretty serious ramifications. Coming home and doing laundry, cooking etc, the mundane, is very relaxing and then being able to completely submit to an attractive, fit dominant husband knowing he is going to take care of every "need" I may have is incredibly freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

As a guy, I can say 9/10 times they deserved to savagely criticized. What a lot of men consider masculine is laughable.

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Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores.

I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me.

When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

You obviously don’t work much nor have kids to raise. That or you’re 24 or a divorced 55 and kids are off.

I am similar to above poster. I work in very high stress role and we have a kid. I have to be on all day making a million decisions with pretty serious ramifications. Coming home and doing laundry, cooking etc, the mundane, is very relaxing and then being able to completely submit to an attractive, fit dominant husband knowing he is going to take care of every "need" I may have is incredibly freeing.

sure joan