Women on this forum lalk about sex a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we talk about it a lot because we barely get any from our DHs and when we do it's often poor quality.

Why have most women on DCUM married asexual men? Can anyone explain?

I think I can. When you decide to marry someone to be your partner for life and child rearing, its not just about sex. The decision is loaded with compromise. Its a balance of so many things - intellect, drive, attraction, love, sense of humor, will they make a good parent, etc.

When you’re dating less seriously it can just be about attraction, chemistry and sex if you want it to be. And let’s face it, some people just have natural talents and gifts. Much like athletes, musicians, linguists, MENSA level intelligent people - some people just realy understand sex. After you’ve dated a few of them who are just naturally dominant (or whatever you like), confident, know how to turn you on, are hugely endowed and what to do to you, its kinda like making your fat middle aged husband race Usain Bolt. Eventually, especially after the stress of kids, you just get bored with it.

In other words, women want their cake and eat it too. They intentionally marry men with money and high intellect but who are weak in bed. Then they complain about not getting good sex. If sex was that important to DCUM women, they should have married the high libido plumber or fitness trainer.

Well, when you’re having lots of good sex it loses its value a bit. Once the good sex is missing for a while it becomes important again. And, just because a guy is rich doesn’t mean he’s bad in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

I also am a very high drive woman but in addition to that I have values and a belief system that does not allow me to have sex with random yahoos just because I have a high drive. Therefore if I am not in a relationship with a man I have a very strong emotional connection with then I'm not having sex, high drive or not. I will engage in DIY sex regularly until an acceptable relationship happens but that has at times been years. So the drive is high but there are other factors that contribute. My drive is unconnected to circumstances but the choice to have sex with another person is connected to circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

I also am a very high drive woman but in addition to that I have values and a belief system that does not allow me to have sex with random yahoos just because I have a high drive. Therefore if I am not in a relationship with a man I have a very strong emotional connection with then I'm not having sex, high drive or not. I will engage in DIY sex regularly until an acceptable relationship happens but that has at times been years. So the drive is high but there are other factors that contribute. My drive is unconnected to circumstances but the choice to have sex with another person is connected to circumstances.

Same, girl, same, but that’s different from what pp is talking about because she is currently married to a DH who I assume is not repulsive and still says her drive tanks over the littlest thing. That is not high drive! High drive means even when you feel crappy you want to have sex. Sex is the relaxing pick me up activity. Pp wants to have sex when she feels relaxed and attractive and in the right frame of mind- but everybody wants to have sex in that case, even “low drive” women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

I also am a very high drive woman but in addition to that I have values and a belief system that does not allow me to have sex with random yahoos just because I have a high drive. Therefore if I am not in a relationship with a man I have a very strong emotional connection with then I'm not having sex, high drive or not. I will engage in DIY sex regularly until an acceptable relationship happens but that has at times been years. So the drive is high but there are other factors that contribute. My drive is unconnected to circumstances but the choice to have sex with another person is connected to circumstances.

Same, girl, same, but that’s different from what pp is talking about because she is currently married to a DH who I assume is not repulsive and still says her drive tanks over the littlest thing. That is not high drive! High drive means even when you feel crappy you want to have sex. Sex is the relaxing pick me up activity. Pp wants to have sex when she feels relaxed and attractive and in the right frame of mind- but everybody wants to have sex in that case, even “low drive” women.

I totally agree with you. Just thought I'd clarify a little bit what high drive means, at least to me. I think people with high drive and no discretion as to how they get that need met are dealing with a different phenomenon which resembles being a slut or a nymphomaniac for women and looks like typical single man behavior for many men and often married man behavior too, mostly all testosterone based in both genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

As a guy, I can say 9/10 times they deserved to savagely criticized. What a lot of men consider masculine is laughable.

Another harris supporter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

As a guy, I can say 9/10 times they deserved to savagely criticized. What a lot of men consider masculine is laughable.

Another harris supporter

Harris is a normal politician who will do normal politician things. Like those things or dislike those things, she'll leave when it's time for her to go. Your guy tried to overthrow our government, will claim to have won no matter how people vote, and will not leave until he dies or is forcibly evicted. It's got nothing to do with gender. You're weird for throwing it into a thread about libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sex drive cuts out for reasons that have nothing to do with him and which he can do nothing about.

This is very common in marriages, and I think it should be more openly recognized. Sometimes things are out of your control. Divorce, open up the marriage, or wait and hope whatever is nerfing her sex drive passes are pretty much your three options. Too often, these discussions pretend that the higher libido partner necessarily can do things (or stop doing things) that will increase the lower libido. Sometimes that's the case, but very often it is not. Hormones alone explain a lot of what goes on with a person's libido, and the higher libido spouse can't control a spouse's hormones.

[Anonymous]

Some women have great husbands and great sex partners. For some women it's the same person. Other women think( hope, believe) that sex with their AP is the missing thing in their lives. These women are gamblers. We want it all great partner a great dad great in bed emotionally supportive and all. But if sex is so important for these women they will argue that in fact it should be a package. They will argue that there is no such thing as a great husband but zero sex life. Sex is everything for these women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

I also am a very high drive woman but in addition to that I have values and a belief system that does not allow me to have sex with random yahoos just because I have a high drive. Therefore if I am not in a relationship with a man I have a very strong emotional connection with then I'm not having sex, high drive or not. I will engage in DIY sex regularly until an acceptable relationship happens but that has at times been years. So the drive is high but there are other factors that contribute. My drive is unconnected to circumstances but the choice to have sex with another person is connected to circumstances.

Guy here who feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we talk about it a lot because we barely get any from our DHs and when we do it's often poor quality.

Why have most women on DCUM married asexual men? Can anyone explain?

I think I can. When you decide to marry someone to be your partner for life and child rearing, its not just about sex. The decision is loaded with compromise. Its a balance of so many things - intellect, drive, attraction, love, sense of humor, will they make a good parent, etc.

When you’re dating less seriously it can just be about attraction, chemistry and sex if you want it to be. And let’s face it, some people just have natural talents and gifts. Much like athletes, musicians, linguists, MENSA level intelligent people - some people just realy understand sex. After you’ve dated a few of them who are just naturally dominant (or whatever you like), confident, know how to turn you on, are hugely endowed and what to do to you, its kinda like making your fat middle aged husband race Usain Bolt. Eventually, especially after the stress of kids, you just get bored with it.

In other words, women want their cake and eat it too. They intentionally marry men with money and high intellect but who are weak in bed. Then they complain about not getting good sex. If sex was that important to DCUM women, they should have married the high libido plumber or fitness trainer.

lol at the plumber sex god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some women have great husbands and great sex partners. For some women it's the same person. Other women think( hope, believe) that sex with their AP is the missing thing in their lives. These women are gamblers. We want it all great partner a great dad great in bed emotionally supportive and all. But if sex is so important for these women they will argue that in fact it should be a package. They will argue that there is no such thing as a great husband but zero sex life. Sex is everything for these women.

There are degrees and variations of course, but I think that the types of qualities that make a man attractive as a long term life partner *tend* to make them less attractive as a short term sex partner, and vice versa. Stability, familiarity loyalty, and predictability are boring. They're great for long term partnerships but not exciting. The more exciting stuff can be *very* sexy but also not great over the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

As a guy, I can say 9/10 times they deserved to savagely criticized. What a lot of men consider masculine is laughable.

Another harris supporter

Does that make me less masculine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

I posit that women don’t really want a man who is doing the chores. I personally DGAF as long as DH does the bare minimum. But what I do care about is if he is making me feel desirable, if he takes me on dates, if he takes care of himself and remains fit and sexy, if he shows enthusiasm about me, and yes basically if he acts dominant sexually. That is what does it for me. When a man becomes passive in his sexual relationship, it is a huge turnoff for me. And yes, I return that enthusiasm tenfold but sorry he’s got to set the tone. Basically I need him to be masculine.

Good for you. But the way you are speaking is in contradiction with why a lot of men are being told or expected to do.

The issue in my opinion is that women want to be the ones defining masculinity and feminity. When men share their views on what they think masculinity should be 9/10 times they are savagely criticized.

As a guy, I can say 9/10 times they deserved to savagely criticized. What a lot of men consider masculine is laughable.

Another harris supporter

Does that make me less masculine?

Obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average man seriously underestimate how much it takes to give a woman a satisfying sexual experience. Most of the time they are just lying to you or being nice on order not to hurt your feeling when they told you that they came or the sex was amazing. Just thrusting back and forth won't cut it. You need foreplay l, resonance, oral, PIV in the right spot etc.

I would love to hear a group of women talking about their sexual experiences. Lol I think a lot of us would be very humble when we here what they really think of our sexual prowess.

I have asked my wife many times what would really make her “happy” and she never gives an answer other than a non answer. She doesn’t like oral and mostly doesn’t like being touched down there. Massage and rubbing are effective and thankfully so is PIV. I don’t complain because we have sex at least weekly which after 36 years is pretty good and she often initiates. She is very quiet so I rarely know if she has had an O.

TBH this sounds very…assault-y.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

Fascinating how consent has now shifted from affirmative to now it has to be “hell yes” otherwise it’s rape.

Honestly you people are bizarre and you’ve hijacked an entire segment of public dialogue with your drivel.

DP. Your response is weird - do you have kids, particularly teens? You should advise them that both parties should be a totally enthusiastic “yes.”

DP. This is not a weird response. He said his wife doesn't outwardly appear to enjoy sex that much, he has repeated asked her what would make it better, no response. Weirdo poster's take: this feels assault-y.

What would make it not assault-y? She is still consenting to have sex with him. It's sad, but it's not assault-y.

A lot of women have sex when they don’t want to because they feel obligated or because their H pressured them or asks nonstop until they say yes. I was married to a man like that - I absolutely despised having sex with him, but if I didn’t “consent” he would nag me nonstop. It was easier to just go along with it but the entire time I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Remarried now to a man I love having sex with, and we have a very healthy sex life. If he was just laying there, obviously not enjoying it, there’s no way I could bring myself to have sex with him. Like I can’t imagine at all how someone’s head gets so twisted that they will gladly have sex with a person who so very obviously does not want to have sex with them.

At that point it’s better to have a conversation about opening the marriage. I brought up an open marriage to my xH multiple times so he could get his needs met but he refused. I just can’t understand why people insist on having sex with people who don’t want to have sex with them.

I am very curious about your ex — did he try to communicate with you? Was he open to doing things that would give you more sexual pleasure? Did you explore why you were not able to have sexual pleasure with him? You did marry him after all?

Sex is an important part of marriage and while it is trendy today to say “just open your marriage” that’s not what the vast, vast majority of people want, and it’s not what most men want either. It’s not a solution to the problem and I would be absolutely opposed to it.

I also imagine that your ex probably didn’t consider the sexual interactions to be great either. Maybe he wanted to crawl out of his skin too at how little his wife was into him sexually?

We talked about it constantly. We had MANY issues beyond sex and he refused to address them. He approach it the same way you are - wanting to only talk about sex life problems - when it was like, no, Steve, I need to you stop constantly controlling every move I make and criticizing the way I load the dishwasher and help me out with the kids more and maybe take me on a date once in awhile.

Sex is important within the larger context. You can’t ignore every other aspect of a marriage and then force your partner to have sex because “it’s important for marriage”. That actually destroys marriages even more.

I am the person who asked the question — and fair enough points. It sounds like you did what you could do. I am really not blaming or attacking you — I was more intellectually curious.

There are plenty of women in your situation and my heart really does go out to you because as you said I would not want to be having sex in this situation.

But there are lots of men out there who DO share the load, do household chores, help take care of the kids, plan date nights, etc., and their wives still shut down over sex. If you haven’t guessed already, I have fallen into that camp. And, yes, sometimes when the wife is saying “yes” to sex but it doesn’t feel like she is truly present and so they do not have true intimacy during sex which makes the entire act feel empty — barely a step above masturbation.

Most of the psychology books and what not have said “try to communicate better” — “try to communicate more” — “talk it through” and that only seemed to make things worse because even when I tried in good-faith to talk about this issue, she would blow up.

That all being said — a recent shrink got us to the point where I am no longer talking about sex or even initiating at all. This leads to some short-term denial of my own pleasure but I am willing to do that if it makes it better over the long run. And I have found that she’s been initiating more. The sex itself is still kind of so-so, but we will see where this goes.

I am just posting this because sexual issues can be a two-way street in a marriage. There is an assumption from many people who read these boards that oh, the fault all lies with the guy, if he just did more of his share and asked her out on date nights, etc — that’s the issue. For some people, surely it is. But not everyone. And suggesting “opening up the marriage” is not really an option for the vast majority of people.

There’s also a lot of gross misogyny here and that’s not the solution either.

PP. What has your wife said? Does she know why she doesn’t want sex?

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “do some chores and plan a date night”. My sex drive can tank for any number of reasons:

- even if H is helping with chores, I’m still carrying the mental load and feel exhausted
- work is stressful
- I haven’t worked out in a long time and feel fat and gross
- none of my nice clothes fit anymore so I don’t even want to go on dates
- I want a few hours of alone time to go out and do the things I did before kids that make me feel like ME
- men don’t flirt with me anymore so I don’t feel desirable
- I have anxiety about money

Etc etc etc.

I’m actually a very high drive woman. But when any of these start to go out of balance, my drive tanks. And I don’t always know WHY. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out.

The big one is not feeling like I did in my 20s. I don’t know if men can relate to this, but there’s something about losing your identity and becoming nothing but a wife and mom that just kills not only your sex drive, but your desire for anything sensual and joyful. The days become dreary and gray. Often what I need to feel good again is a few weeks with extra time to go to the gym, new clothes that make me feel sexy, and some time away from the husband and kids to feel like a human being again.

To the bolded: no you’re not! If it’s that easy to tank your drive, you DON’T have a high drive.

I have a high drive. If I’m stressed, I want to have sex. If I’m tired, I still want sex. If I feel fat, undesirable, grey, bored, etc., doesn’t matter. I want to have sex. That’s the definition of having a high drive. My drive is unconnected to circumstances.

I also am a very high drive woman but in addition to that I have values and a belief system that does not allow me to have sex with random yahoos just because I have a high drive. Therefore if I am not in a relationship with a man I have a very strong emotional connection with then I'm not having sex, high drive or not. I will engage in DIY sex regularly until an acceptable relationship happens but that has at times been years. So the drive is high but there are other factors that contribute. My drive is unconnected to circumstances but the choice to have sex with another person is connected to circumstances.

Guy here who feels the same way.

Sounds like we're a match! Cool