To my husband’s work AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

I mean, if you managed to do all those things—vacationing, planning retirement, buying a home, etc, while your spouse was having an affair, and it didn’t impact anything (ie, you didn’t ever know about it), then how was it all a lie? It didn’t have any effect on your life.

Cheaters love to try and justify their betrayals. Gfy 😃

Except he broke his vow to be faithful to her, is openly and regularly lying and exposing her to STDs. THose things definitely changed for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP. Actions have consequences. let her burn. Make sure you burn your husband also though.

OP: Oh, he will. This is going to destroy his career.

Do you have kids, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should feel free to speak whatever truths are available to you.

You are getting dragged on this thread because you are being smug and excited to ruin this woman's life, happy to tell her husband, posting this gloating anonymous post and then responding aggressively to everyone who disagrees with you. To me, that is the part that speaks to YOUR character in this situation. Your husband's affair has clearly brought out the worst in your character, and you think it makes you brave.

- not an AP, so back off with your paranoid garbage

She's venting anonymously to strangers. Probably so she doesn't vent to people in her real life. She may sound "happy" to you but she's furious and, yeah, hurting, and out for blood, all of which are normal reactions.

What she does with those reactions IRL is what matters next, but we'll never know for sure what she will do IRL.

Meanwhile she can vent here and be as mean, petty and angry as she wants with us strangers and that's a release for her. You can choose not to read it and choose not to post. Venting doesn't make her a terrible person like you insist she must be; it makes her human.

I can also choose to point out that her attitude is gross. Many of these reactions are, as you say, normal. Not all normal reactions are healthy. Lots of people manage to be angry and hurt without taking pride in inflicting MORE suffering. It's like the argument here is that because the husband and AP did this bad thing, OP has license to be as angry and cruel as she wants. I disagree with that across the board.

You can have a completely understandable anger/hurt reaction to being wronged deeply without being excited to inflict pain on someone else - whether it's the righteous infliction of pain y'all think is happening when she tells the husband, who may or may not want to know, or the pain she's admitted to be happy to inflict on the AP. I was taught that two wrong don't make a right. Dunno what YOU were taught.

To The PP, She owes zero to the AP and has every single right to tell APs partner. You reap what you sow. YOU need to Stop telling women to be silent.

I didn't tell "women" to be silent. I told an anonymous poster on the internet that I thought her attitude was gross.

Maybe you should stop telling me, a woman, to be silent, since you're into reaping what you sow.

[Anonymous]

I feel like the other spouse needs to be informed if only because of the potential for STD exposure, but not with this bitter glee OP describes.

[Anonymous]

Affairs don’t destroy men’s careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should feel free to speak whatever truths are available to you.

You are getting dragged on this thread because you are being smug and excited to ruin this woman's life, happy to tell her husband, posting this gloating anonymous post and then responding aggressively to everyone who disagrees with you. To me, that is the part that speaks to YOUR character in this situation. Your husband's affair has clearly brought out the worst in your character, and you think it makes you brave.

- not an AP, so back off with your paranoid garbage

She's venting anonymously to strangers. Probably so she doesn't vent to people in her real life. She may sound "happy" to you but she's furious and, yeah, hurting, and out for blood, all of which are normal reactions.

What she does with those reactions IRL is what matters next, but we'll never know for sure what she will do IRL.

Meanwhile she can vent here and be as mean, petty and angry as she wants with us strangers and that's a release for her. You can choose not to read it and choose not to post. Venting doesn't make her a terrible person like you insist she must be; it makes her human.

I can also choose to point out that her attitude is gross. Many of these reactions are, as you say, normal. Not all normal reactions are healthy. Lots of people manage to be angry and hurt without taking pride in inflicting MORE suffering. It's like the argument here is that because the husband and AP did this bad thing, OP has license to be as angry and cruel as she wants. I disagree with that across the board.

You can have a completely understandable anger/hurt reaction to being wronged deeply without being excited to inflict pain on someone else - whether it's the righteous infliction of pain y'all think is happening when she tells the husband, who may or may not want to know, or the pain she's admitted to be happy to inflict on the AP. I was taught that two wrong don't make a right. Dunno what YOU were taught.

To The PP, She owes zero to the AP and has every single right to tell APs partner. You reap what you sow. YOU need to Stop telling women to be silent.

I didn't tell "women" to be silent. I told an anonymous poster on the internet that I thought her attitude was gross.

Maybe you should stop telling me, a woman, to be silent, since you're into reaping what you sow.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am Team OP.

You women wanting to protect the AP are fools.

[Anonymous]

OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

[Anonymous]

If OP was my real life friend, I would definitely want her to keep her eyes on her life and deciding what’s best for her and her kids.

But since this is the internet, and I love a good train, I forward to the next chapters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two work together. You should know after all these years that he’s sloppy and can be less than thorough when he’s distracted.

I found evidence of your affair from your recent work trip and dug deeper to find screenshots and other useful material. It really wasn’t even that hard. You chose to gamble your future on a fool who doesn’t cover his tracks. Like I said, after the myriad of hours you spend talking and the years you’ve worked together, you should know how he is.

I’m going to share these with your husband. I don’t know when yet. I’m sitting on it and deciding. Your home situation is delicate right now, and I know this is the last thing you need. I’m going to enjoy it. Your poor husband. He has no idea. He seems like a nice man too.

Hope it was worth it. Good luck.

Why on Earth would you post this shit here? No one cares, lady.

I don't recall the vote taken to make you the arbiter for everyone.

[Anonymous]

From one betrayed spouse to another I encourage you in your first inclination.

What’s done in the dark will be brought to the light.

Light’em up sweetheart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you don't have kids if you're proposing going so public it ruins his career. I've been in your shoes, but had kids so chose to keep things private and divorce quietly. I don't want to ruin his career as that has financial consequences for the family, nor does making my children choose sides. You can be a good dad and a crappy unfaithful husband.

OP: Ruining his career isn’t my intention. His business is set up in such a way that this will end it. The two of them are key players in a small business.

How does that happen? I can’t think of a business where its existence depends on two key people not having sex.

You think my dad and his brothers were having sex with each other when they ran businesses together?

[Anonymous]

OP, please wait until Christmas and go pop all her holiday blow up decorations.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me think of the poster who popped the Christmas decorations in her husband’s AP’s yard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

Good luck with your new job hunting!