s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Why just mental illness? What about physical health, debt amount, alcoholism, credit score and MIL's meddling level?

Would you be okay if mental health screen is clear?

Because mental illnesses are invisible and often masked. Most people aren’t familiar with mental disorders beyond their ADD friends or Ritalin from school days.

Credit scores, drinking too much, MILs, and debt are straight questions and observable.

[Anonymous]

SAH can be a bad fit for ADD due to the lack of structure.

I'd also throw out PTSD stemming from child abuse or neglect that has not been addressed effectively as a timebomb in a family. I experienced ex-DW really going off the rails when DD reached the age she was when abused. Experts said it was not uncommon. She ended up heavily medicated and it has been really hard for everyone. She said she had suppressed the memories so it's not something I was aware of or that she could have chosen to address earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

I tell my kids the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to people and resources that tell you to be less exacting. That was my mistake. I saw problematic traits and felt that nagging concern in my gut, but I let myself get worn down by advice that no one’s perfect and I need to stop sweating the “small” stuff.

Now, none of the people who advised me to focus on “bigger” things and hang on to a “good” man are here dealing with a terrible husband and depressing marriage. It’s just me trying to extricate myself from a borderline sociopath.

In addition to not settling because no one is perfect, work on yourself and make sure you don't think you deserve less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Why just mental illness? What about physical health, debt amount, alcoholism, credit score and MIL's meddling level?

Would you be okay if mental health screen is clear?

Because mental illnesses are invisible and often masked. Most people aren’t familiar with mental disorders beyond their ADD friends or Ritalin from school days.

Credit scores, drinking too much, MILs, and debt are straight questions and observable.

+1 if they had a wheelchair or cane or placard of some kind, it would be obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

This.

My husband has a personality disorder and a couple of diagnosed mental illnesses. There were red flags in hindsight and I even caught some. I just wasn’t savvy enough to understand how big they were nor did I have enough self-worth to believe my gut over his pretense.

Another upvote for this concept.

Mine also hid behind me for years, followed whatever I did, no complaints…….until he got an AP, and we got divorced.

I don't think having an affair means you have a mental illness...

And no, I don't condone affairs and have never had one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

This.

My husband has a personality disorder and a couple of diagnosed mental illnesses. There were red flags in hindsight and I even caught some. I just wasn’t savvy enough to understand how big they were nor did I have enough self-worth to believe my gut over his pretense.

Another upvote for this concept.

Mine also hid behind me for years, followed whatever I did, no complaints…….until he got an AP, and we got divorced.

I don't think having an affair means you have a mental illness...

And no, I don't condone affairs and have never had one.

If cheating and betrayal isn't selfish and cruel than what is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

This.

My husband has a personality disorder and a couple of diagnosed mental illnesses. There were red flags in hindsight and I even caught some. I just wasn’t savvy enough to understand how big they were nor did I have enough self-worth to believe my gut over his pretense.

Another upvote for this concept.

Mine also hid behind me for years, followed whatever I did, no complaints…….until he got an AP, and we got divorced.

I don't think having an affair means you have a mental illness...

And no, I don't condone affairs and have never had one.

If cheating and betrayal isn't selfish and cruel than what is?

I agree with the PP. Choosing to be evil does not mean you have a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Even with only two people it would be pretty likely that one of you will experience some form of mental illness over the course of your lifetime.

In 2021 - there were 23% of the US population with a mental illness - 28% women and 18% of men. Lifetime prevalence is over 50% and increasing as more and more people ask for help and get diagnosed. We are getting pretty close to similar numbers for physical health conditions.

Mental illness isn't always life long or present to the same degree. Life stresses can exacerbate it or bring on an episode. You aren't going to be able to rule out pre marriage that there won't be a mental or physical illness that begins after marriage. And one that is mild and well controlled with minimal functional impact pre marriage could become far far worse later in life.

Humans simply aren't always physically and mentally healthy. Genetics, childhoods, environments, life stressors, and just no real reason at all....people get sick. Acutely and chronically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

I tell my kids the same thing

I was 35 when married the guy who now is addicted to screens, gets easily frustrated, insults our boys, dismissed my feelings, raises his voice in anger, and is making my life miserable. I’m crying as I write these lines.

[Anonymous]

Excessive porn use and time on screens rather than engaging in relationships, hobbies, etc. was one I was going to mention. Or someone who uses extreme exercise to manage mental health, excessive running and biking fall in this category. No long term friendships. If estranged from family are there genetics to pay attention to there?

Sorry, PP. Often the behaviors don't develop until the stress of family life. We did not miss them, they were not there yet. But, poor coping styles may have been evident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even with only two people it would be pretty likely that one of you will experience some form of mental illness over the course of your lifetime.

In 2021 - there were 23% of the US population with a mental illness - 28% women and 18% of men. Lifetime prevalence is over 50% and increasing as more and more people ask for help and get diagnosed. We are getting pretty close to similar numbers for physical health conditions.

Mental illness isn't always life long or present to the same degree. Life stresses can exacerbate it or bring on an episode. You aren't going to be able to rule out pre marriage that there won't be a mental or physical illness that begins after marriage. And one that is mild and well controlled with minimal functional impact pre marriage could become far far worse later in life.

Humans simply aren't always physically and mentally healthy. Genetics, childhoods, environments, life stressors, and just no real reason at all....people get sick. Acutely and chronically.

Having an acute episode of depression or anxiety from an event (family death, post pregnancy, lay offs, health scare) is very different from the chronic pattern of symptoms from a try mental disorder like ASD, Borderline, bipolar, schizophrenia, or even untreated ADHD.

So general stats encompassing acute and chronic aren’t helpful here.

Spend enough time with someone with a couple chronic mental disorders and you’ll think you’re going crazy, unless you know the symptoms, patterns, and disorder traits yourself.

Many seek therapy and via talking about the patterns come to suspect they are a frog in boiling water in bed with a very disordered individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even with only two people it would be pretty likely that one of you will experience some form of mental illness over the course of your lifetime.

In 2021 - there were 23% of the US population with a mental illness - 28% women and 18% of men. Lifetime prevalence is over 50% and increasing as more and more people ask for help and get diagnosed. We are getting pretty close to similar numbers for physical health conditions.

Mental illness isn't always life long or present to the same degree. Life stresses can exacerbate it or bring on an episode. You aren't going to be able to rule out pre marriage that there won't be a mental or physical illness that begins after marriage. And one that is mild and well controlled with minimal functional impact pre marriage could become far far worse later in life.

Humans simply aren't always physically and mentally healthy. Genetics, childhoods, environments, life stressors, and just no real reason at all....people get sick. Acutely and chronically.

They are life long. They are evident. Someone or something will have to accommodate them, whether they know it or not. And yes, having a more complex life- like with kids who are active not homebodies- will greatly aggravate them and cause them to lash out or have more frequent “episodes.”

[Anonymous]

If you’re not serious about the “in sickness and in health” part, then just don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excessive porn use and time on screens rather than engaging in relationships, hobbies, etc. was one I was going to mention. Or someone who uses extreme exercise to manage mental health, excessive running and biking fall in this category. No long term friendships. If estranged from family are there genetics to pay attention to there?

Sorry, PP. Often the behaviors don't develop until the stress of family life. We did not miss them, they were not there yet. But, poor coping styles may have been evident.

Yes the maladaptive coping methods they’ve perfected over the decades are just as bad:
Lying
Yelling
Shutting down
Stonewalling
Gaslighting
Bullying
Blaming others
Deflecting
Arguing

Their moms think they magically stopped. But no, it moved from behind closed doors in her family house to behind closed doors in his wife & kids house.

Don’t EVER think he magically matured and stopped his rages Ma. Or got mature. He did not. Your DIL is suffering greatly.