“First come, first serve” household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.

Yeah, I mean, don't you make enough food for 4 (or whatever number of people)? And so if the 3 people at home eat the food for 4, aren't they overeating? That sounds greedy.

DP, but in my house there was only so much food. We were on a tight budget, and technically, no, there probably wasn't enough for anyone to overeat. In a house with four teenage boys, if you are late to the table, you get what you get, which was usually vegetables and hopefully the last of the potatoes. Sometimes my parents would step in and save something, but then again, you were expected to come when called, and if you didn't, there were natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember we had to retrain friends who came from "first come first served" families in college. They were like wild animals when we ordered take out or a pizza, and had to be convinced we wouldn't eat their share so they wouldn't horde as much as possible.

It's not a good look.

Get over yourself. Not everyone grew up privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am definitely fascinated by the perspectives here.

Holiday PP yes that’s a great example, this would be a time where I may ask for someone to set aside my plate. Whereas another PP noted it should be a free for all for those in attendance when the meal is served. I’ve never been to a formal dinner party actually but Thanksgiving, Christmas dinner, Mothers Day brunch etc…

Ok, it’s annoying that you’re always asking people to “set aside a plate” for you.

Holiday pp here. We did it once, because we noticed MIL was happy to do so, several times, for perpetually and very late SIL. MIL took issue with doing it once for our small kids (not us, we were happy to stop at McDonalds, and we did. It was Christmas.) so, we never asked again.

DH mentioned that every night was a free for all at his house, because in spite of there being enough money, there was never enough food, and they were expected to eat chips or cereal to supplement.

OTOH, my family had less money growing up, but always had more than enough fresh, healthy food- mostly because of our gardens. It struck me as odd behaviors about food, when I met DHs family. DH agreed, once he met my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I don't think that special things (like a post appt Mcdonalds lunch) get to be shared with everyone. I actually think it's more special to do it with the kid who had the appt. My kids really relish special time with me. I am fair about my time though and I don't favor one kid more than other.

One of my kids is incredibly kind. If I give her a cookie, she will break it in half for her siblings.

+1 What is the alternative? You buy extra McDonalds for the other kids who won't be home from school for 2-3 more hours? Who wants cold, soggy McD's?

+1 that is gross. Make the kid pasta when they get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’m also more on your DHs side- who wants mcD that’s been sitting out for 3-4 hours? Setting aside a plate for someone who’s not at the party on time- if they’re running out of food, seems like people there should eat it first. I might do it if people are grabbing 2nd and 3rds or the food is sitting around and you want to put it aside to prevent all the touching?

It’s not “sitting out for 3-4 hours.” It’s in the refrigerator and it microwaves just fine, just like they microwaved it at McDonalds.

And “who wants” it? Teens. Teens do.

(not OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have six kids and though we don't call it "first come, first serve" if you're elsewhere for dinner, we are not saving a plate of leftovers for you. Because we assume you're eating dinner elsewhere. When you get home if you're hungry and there are leftovers you can have some. But if there aren't any, you can go find something else.

This is normal. I do not get all this mine food/your food, labeling portions of leftovers. So narcissistic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember we had to retrain friends who came from "first come first served" families in college. They were like wild animals when we ordered take out or a pizza, and had to be convinced we wouldn't eat their share so they wouldn't horde as much as possible.

It's not a good look.

Get over yourself. Not everyone grew up privileged.

DP here. It is not about privilege. You can be poor and still eat healthy, if you want to. My family had to become self sufficient, but we got by without being savages.

[Anonymous]

You can reheat carryout. You save food for your kids. It is so bizarre to me that you wouldn't make sure everyone has food, and if your husband wants more, tell him to make or buy more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.

+1

I'm with you, OP. MIL had more kids than she could handle, and some truly (truly) suffered for it. MIL was checked out, and not into raising her kids, as much as she was about checking the boxes. It is sad to see the ramifications, but MIL also grew up that way, and sees no problem with it. She will never change. DH suffered because he acts the way you described. Not having enough food, but claiming that you do, is a big deal for MIL. In other words, she wanted people to think she was/is competent, at her only job, but she just was not - she was greatly overwhelmed, and it showed.

I mention this in light of your question, and also because MIl knew enough to play favorites, which is hurtful and malicious.
Any time SIL and SIL's family was late for anything, MIL knew to save food for them. Anyone else was on their own.
MIL tended to make it about me, because she knew she was wrong. When you do not save food on a major holiday, for some immediate family members, but you do for others - that is really, really, really messed up. MIL is messed up in the head, and it came to light with new females added to the family, over the years.

Turns out, MIL and SIL are codependent. SIL was also codependent on other SIL, but other SIL (thankfully) put a stop to it, fairly recently.

All this to say, I am not sure what to tell you, but if you are able to nip this primitve behavior in the bud, good on you - because it is very real and very destructive. No immediate family members should be treated in such a cold, caluclating, and selfish manner - least of all, growing children.

With the saving food (or not) at holiday meals, how does this even happen? If the meal is to be served at 4 and you roll up at 6, you get what you get.

Not if you are SIL. Which is fine, but don’t save food for some people and not others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.

+1 We always save food for a family member if they're eating later. It's so rude not to.

Although my sister and our brothers used to get so annoyed with each other because she would save her dessert or part of her meal, then expect it to be there the next day. Of course they would eat it. I kind of see both points of view on this. She preferred to eat her portion at a different time, and they were hungry teens who wanted another helping at dinner that she wasn't eating. I guess it depends whether you're a "here's your share" kind of person vs. a "it's dinner time everyone eat your fill" kind of person.

I feel like this encourages strange eating habits--it's not really fair if someone isn't super hungry right at that moment to insist that they eat all their portion right then, otherwise it's open season for others to grab. Especially if it's dessert. It would just cause a scarcity mentality and overeating in some people.

What? A meal is prepared and you eat what you need. If you brother needs more food, why would you prevent him from eating food you are not going to eat just so you could eat that food as leftovers tomorrow? Presumable there will be another meal prepared tomorrow. Why do you need more than what sates you?

I think some of the differences I am reading here is that some people eat family style and some people treat the home kitchen as if it were a restaurant where each gets their own specifically apportioned plate.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some of this could be solved by making more food for meals so there's plenty for everybody to get their fill at mealtime + leftovers that can be first come/first serve.

In our house, family-style takeout (pizza, Chinese) is fair game. We order plenty of food for whoever is home at mealtime and then any leftovers are first come/first serve. It's not like, there are 4 of us and 16 slices of pizza so each person gets 4 slices to eat now or later. Nope, eat however much you want now, and the rest is fair game.

If there are leftovers of individually-ordered items (like we all go out to dinner and DD brings home half her pasta dish) it belongs to the person who ordered it.

Totally different in my house. If my husband eats 3 slices of pizza and I eat 2, then I have 2 slices coming to me and he has 1. He would never eat my leftover pizza. He knows it will not end well for him.

This mentality is so strange. People eat different amounts. You expect the same exact portion for each person.

I will say, though, that since my DH and I were not raised by wolves, we always ask each other if they wanted more of something before we finish it. when a household gets big it's not always feasible to check with everyone, and it should be considered fair game unless you yourself set aside a porch with your name on it.

People eat different amounts at one time, but given enough time, I can eat the same amount of pizza as my husband. Why should he get more of that cheesy, tomatoey goodness just because he has a bigger stomach? I can have my two leftover slices for lunch, he can have his one leftover slice and a side salad for lunch.

DP with a question: Say it's the day after your pizza dinner and those 3 leftover slices are in the fridge. It's lunchtime and you are out of the house grabbing lunch with a friend. He's home and hungry. Can he eat the leftovers or does he still have to save 2 of them for you?

He would ask me and I would answer depending on what I was feeling like.

See, I think it would be courteous of him to ask (and I'd think the same if you had eaten more of the pizza the first time around as it's always courteous to ask before finishing the last of something), but I can't imagine saying no!

Courteous, maybe. But overkill. Team DH here.

The only thing killed would be my husband if he touches my pizza. And he knows it.

Ok pizza lady, you may think you're being cute, but it's really not.

This level of slice counting would never fly in a family with more than 2 ppl.

Wrong. We save pizza leftovers for the lighter eaters and don’t allow the heavy eaters to just pig out on the leftovers and we have multiple kids. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.

Yeah, I mean, don't you make enough food for 4 (or whatever number of people)? And so if the 3 people at home eat the food for 4, aren't they overeating? That sounds greedy.

I do think this is, at least partly, a family size thing.
I have 4 kids, including 2 teens. If I make enough food for 6 of us, 5 people can eat all of it pretty easily.

I guess I don't understand why you think a 5-person meal is "enough for six." Why not just make enough for 6 people to eat until they're full?

Spoken like someone who does not have teen boys. They don’t get full. They could always eat another chicken breast (though vegetables sometimes get left over). If I want to save a helping I pre-remove it before serving.

I have teenage boys. This is so bizarre you'd cook a 5 person meal for 6 people, especially with two teens. You need to cook enough or extra. I cannot imagine not having enough food for my kids. And, those who blame it on too many kids, well that's on you and you need to make sure each one of those kids needs are met. You should cook for 8, not 6. We eat at different times. I either have quick things the kids can make or I cook a huge amount to make sure there are leftovers and everyone is fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember we had to retrain friends who came from "first come first served" families in college. They were like wild animals when we ordered take out or a pizza, and had to be convinced we wouldn't eat their share so they wouldn't horde as much as possible.

It's not a good look.

Get over yourself. Not everyone grew up privileged.

DP here. It is not about privilege. You can be poor and still eat healthy, if you want to. My family had to become self sufficient, but we got by without being savages.

Where does "healthy" come into this conversation? Also, pizza at a college party is not a great example for what is being discussed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Large family here, we just…buy enough food. Usually I try to buy enough where there will be leftovers. When I make chicken, I buy 4-5 pounds of chicken thighs and drumsticks and cook it all. Whatever is left over can be used in lunches or mixed with rice and veggies for another meal. But if folks (my teenagers) are especially hungry that’s fine too and they can eat as many pieces as they like. If we go out for breakfast treats, I would buy 2 dozen donuts so there were enough for everyone to get as many donuts as they wanted. If we ran out before everyone got some, I would buy more next time. You can get good deals at Dunkin on certain days with the points. I’d rather throw out one stale, weird, gross donut after a day or two.

A little bit of planning and strategic shopping and you can have food in abundance at meal times so no one is fighting over it.

+1

Seems the problem comes when the chef has control issues re: food. Crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember we had to retrain friends who came from "first come first served" families in college. They were like wild animals when we ordered take out or a pizza, and had to be convinced we wouldn't eat their share so they wouldn't horde as much as possible.

It's not a good look.

+1,000