I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Ask your husband for a hall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.

The victory lap is divorcing your cheating husband and moving on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man these threads fire up the OW/APs out there.

and bitter judgemental women who can't tolerate a person making a different choice than they would.

Yeah if you are getting angry about people on the internet dealing with trauma differently than you would, then you should figure out exactly which fears about yourself are being triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand the impulse, but the fact that you seem to want this so much suggests the outcome is going to disappoint you. I mean, if you just wanted to yell and cuss her out, I get it. That would be fine. But you seem to want more, and when she tells you awful lies in response they are going to stick in your head. Nothing good is going to come of this in your particular case.

Well the reality is that she might not say "awful lies," she might tell you honest things that will be more hurtful than you have imagined.

He's told her stuff he'd never say to you, OP. Unless you're ready to hear it, eat a Snickers and take a nap. Going after her will not make your decision to stay with a cheater any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't contact her.

Go after her marriage, career, kids. You want to blow her life up like she blew up yours, confronting her won't do it. Gotta make her suffer.

Doing any of this pouts op in stalking and harassment territory. Legal trouble. It also invites AP back into her life and causes op to lose sympathy from others even possibly her DH.

Op your time is better spent in individual therapy

Not necessarily.

More likely than not if op starts going after the ow kids and job she's going to fight back and it's not going to go well for op. This isn't middle school. Op should let it go focus on her mental health individual therapy is a must and continuing to work on her marriage do not give this woman anymore attention or even the chance to get anything on op

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what you would like to say to her and what you would hope to hear in return?

[Anonymous]

You will look unhinged, and AP will reach out to your husband to complain about it -- and he'll agree with her, and just like that they will be back together again.

The AP doesn't care about you and your feelings, and they don't have to -- they aren't the one married to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.

It's not a victory to stay married to a man who cheated on you, whether the marriage is mended or not. It's pathetic to feel like a winner over an AP because you're the one stuck with him forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

Yeah, that's what OP is going for. Surely.

[Anonymous]

You will look pathetic if you contact her . Don’t do it . The best revenge is moving on with your life and not giving her importance . Hold your husband accountable !!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.

It's not a victory to stay married to a man who cheated on you, whether the marriage is mended or not. It's pathetic to feel like a winner over an AP because you're the one stuck with him forever.

It's not a victory, but neither is it pathetic. No marriage is perfect; no human is perfect. We all must choose whether to stay or go based on myriad factors. The fact is that many, if not most, relationships are impacted by cheating. Claiming that no relationship could be redeemed after infidelity is simplistic and limiting.

And let's not forget that nature programs us to compete for mates. We mainly don't realize we're doing it, but if you get an endorphin hit after sending the OW scurrying, that's your biology rewarding you for fending off a threat to your children's survival. There's no shame in being a mammal that has instincts.

I've only been a BW, not a cheater, not a single AP, but I can understand the human impulses and hormones that land people in those quagmires. For someone who is not a BW to lack even that much compassion and understanding for a BW, well let's just say I'm not lining up to get life advice from those people. And that goes for Chump Lady too . . . she is such a reductionist. If you are struggling with self-esteem and your cheater didn't give you the option of reconciliation, then sure, it's like putting on Lizzo while your girlfriends call your ex a loser. But if you're actually a complex human dealing with complex choices, then all that "rah rah rah, cheaters are some type of sub-human and you must crush them beneath your heel" is not serving you. If your self-esteem is a mess and you don't know how to love and stand up for yourself, then that's an issue you should address whether you're cheated on or not.

Do I think it's a good idea for most BW to send a message to the OW? In most cases, no. But if she was a friend of the BW or the BW has a specific grievance to air, then it might be the right thing. It also depends on the personality and goals of the BW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confront her. It’s petty but therapeutic. Make her face what she did to you, just like your DH had to. Good luck!

What did she do? She slept with someone she liked and who made himself voluntarily and freely available to her. She has no relationship or commitment to OP and no obligations to OP whatsoever.

If I were OP I would focus on my DH conduct. The other woman is irrelevant.

OP is angry at her DH and using the other woman as a scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront her. It’s petty but therapeutic. Make her face what she did to you, just like your DH had to. Good luck!

What did she do? She slept with someone she liked and who made himself voluntarily and freely available to her. She has no relationship or commitment to OP and no obligations to OP whatsoever.

If I were OP I would focus on my DH conduct. The other woman is irrelevant.

OP is angry at her DH and using the other woman as a scapegoat.

Op had her power dimished. She can replenish it by extracting it from ow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

Then why in the world would you engage her? Do you want to trigger her into contacting him to test his loyalty? Why would you poke the hornets nest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

So why bother then?

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.

It's not a victory to stay married to a man who cheated on you, whether the marriage is mended or not. It's pathetic to feel like a winner over an AP because you're the one stuck with him forever.

It's not a victory, but neither is it pathetic. No marriage is perfect; no human is perfect. We all must choose whether to stay or go based on myriad factors. The fact is that many, if not most, relationships are impacted by cheating. Claiming that no relationship could be redeemed after infidelity is simplistic and limiting.

And let's not forget that nature programs us to compete for mates. We mainly don't realize we're doing it, but if you get an endorphin hit after sending the OW scurrying, that's your biology rewarding you for fending off a threat to your children's survival. There's no shame in being a mammal that has instincts.

I've only been a BW, not a cheater, not a single AP, but I can understand the human impulses and hormones that land people in those quagmires. For someone who is not a BW to lack even that much compassion and understanding for a BW, well let's just say I'm not lining up to get life advice from those people. And that goes for Chump Lady too . . . she is such a reductionist. If you are struggling with self-esteem and your cheater didn't give you the option of reconciliation, then sure, it's like putting on Lizzo while your girlfriends call your ex a loser. But if you're actually a complex human dealing with complex choices, then all that "rah rah rah, cheaters are some type of sub-human and you must crush them beneath your heel" is not serving you. If your self-esteem is a mess and you don't know how to love and stand up for yourself, then that's an issue you should address whether you're cheated on or not.

Do I think it's a good idea for most BW to send a message to the OW? In most cases, no. But if she was a friend of the BW or the BW has a specific grievance to air, then it might be the right thing. It also depends on the personality and goals of the BW.

So your DH should not be perfect, but OW who owes you nothing should be perfect? If not, why go after her? It does not make any sense.

And you are debasing yourself by "competing" with someone who your DH claims means "nothing". How can that be your competition? The only way it can work is if you are " nothing" too. Otherwise, why waste time and energy on nothing?

There is no other way to put it. It's a bad idea to go after an OW. It does nothing but devalue you, your DH and your marriage if you are trying to save it.

Now if the marriage is over, that's a different story. Because then you'd have admitted that she was something major, and she helped destroy your marriage. But she might be crazy, so I still wouldn't go after her.