Reply to I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc.  this is for me… [/quote]

So why bother then?[/quote]

It's like taking a victory lap after a race.[/quote]

It's not a victory to stay married to a man who cheated on you, whether the marriage is mended or not. It's pathetic to feel like a winner over an AP because you're the one stuck with him forever. [/quote]

It's not a victory, but neither is it pathetic. No marriage is perfect; no human is perfect. We all must choose whether to stay or go based on myriad factors. The fact is that many, if not most, relationships are impacted by cheating. Claiming that no relationship could be redeemed after infidelity is simplistic and limiting.

And let's not forget that nature programs us to compete for mates. We mainly don't realize we're doing it, but if you get an endorphin hit after sending the OW scurrying, that's your biology rewarding you for fending off a threat to your children's survival. There's no shame in being a mammal that has instincts.

I've only been a BW, not a cheater, not a single AP, but I can understand the human impulses and hormones that land people in those quagmires. For someone who is not a BW to lack even that much compassion and understanding for a BW, well let's just say I'm not lining up to get life advice from those people. And that goes for Chump Lady too . . . she is such a reductionist. If you are struggling with self-esteem and your cheater didn't give you the option of reconciliation, then sure, it's like putting on Lizzo while your girlfriends call your ex a loser. But if you're actually a complex human dealing with complex choices, then all that "rah rah rah, cheaters are some type of sub-human and you must crush them beneath your heel" is not serving you. If your self-esteem is a mess and you don't know how to love and stand up for yourself, then that's an issue you should address whether you're cheated on or not.

Do I think it's a good idea for most BW to send a message to the OW? In most cases, no. But if she was a friend of the BW or the BW has a specific grievance to air, then it might be the right thing. It also depends on the personality and goals of the BW. [/quote]

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