Expecting people to help you move in your forties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think even in your 30s with professional jobs this is an obnoxious request. I have helped friends at that age and was definitely annoyed because when I have moved I have just paid for movers. Sure it’s expensive but you need to consider that cost when buying a home. The other obnoxious part about when I helped someone was that they were moving into a $900k home. They were just being cheap.

My husband is like that, he wants to do everything himself even in his 50s. However he never ask other people for help.

My son hired a mover to move 3 city blocks into a new apartment LOL

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Nope, her follow up indicates that this is an additional issue/problem, and that's all. I know some of you are REALLY determined to turn threads back on the OP no matter how much you have to twist yourselves into pretzels, and it's really tiresome. Give it a rest, folks.

I think OP's real problem is with her husband because I don't think her stated problem is real.

OP is like "shouldn't these people hire movers? they can afford them." But what many of us are saying is that it doesn't matter. You don't have to help them move, but if they want to try and do it without movers, that's up to them.

Which again, brings us back to the real issue, which is that OP doesn't want her husband to help his brother move. That's a marital issue, not a question of etiquette.

The reason why my BIL is not hiring movers is because he expects his three brothers and their wives and a couple close friends to help out every weekend until it’s done. That’s what I find baffling. The entitlement to our labor.

I’m not sure what movers cost if they’re not also packing you - 10k? 20k? I just know it’s one of the few situations where money really will solve the problem. So just hire the movers, get it done in one day, and be done with it.

Then you say no, you can't help, and move on with your life. You don't have to do something just because someone expects you to do it, unless they are your boss (and even then, you can say no and see what happens, or change jobs or whatever).

If your DH said yes, presumably it's because he wants to help his brother move. They've known each other their whole lives, it's possible your BIL has helped your DH with many similar tasks in the past and would like to repay his brother, or simply wants to support a family member, or actually likes moving (there are people who actually enjoy doing a day of hard labor with friends and family, I know them).

But your BIL's decision not to hire movers does not mean you have to spend several weekends helping him move. Say no, and maybe have a conversation with your DH where you explain that this is just not for you. If they give you a hard time, well, now you know that they are not so respectful of your boundaries. But what you seem to want to do is either control your BIL's decision making process (not reasonable, he can decide what he wants to spend his money on -- not up to you) OR just acquiesce to a request you hate while preserving the right to complain about him and think he's a terrible person for "imposing" this on you. All of which is immature.

He's made his choice, you can make yours. You are both adults and you need to learn how to deal with situations like this in a more mature and productive way. "He should hire movers, he's too old for this" is not mature or productive because those are not your decisions to make.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

Let's be real about what "do things differently" means. Here it means, asking your friends/family to move you. No one is judging if BIL wants to move himself. It's the assumption of other people's labor that is gross.

Just say no, then. You can say no. I don't understand this idea that simply by asking, the BIL/SIL have created an unavoidable obligation for OP to resent and complain about.

I am 43 years old. If someone asked me to help them move this weekend, I'd say, "Sorry, I've got my hands full with the kids and think I might have aged out of that, but best of luck to you." And then I wouldn't think about it again except to later ask them how their move went.

It is much more concerning to me that apparently a lot of people reach their 40s without learning how to politely decline a request like this, that the fact that some people continue to ask for help with moving in their 40s.

This is not an either/or situation. OP can say no AND she can think the request is entitled and gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

Let's be real about what "do things differently" means. Here it means, asking your friends/family to move you. No one is judging if BIL wants to move himself. It's the assumption of other people's labor that is gross.

Just say no, then. You can say no. I don't understand this idea that simply by asking, the BIL/SIL have created an unavoidable obligation for OP to resent and complain about.

I am 43 years old. If someone asked me to help them move this weekend, I'd say, "Sorry, I've got my hands full with the kids and think I might have aged out of that, but best of luck to you." And then I wouldn't think about it again except to later ask them how their move went.

It is much more concerning to me that apparently a lot of people reach their 40s without learning how to politely decline a request like this, that the fact that some people continue to ask for help with moving in their 40s.

This is not an either/or situation. OP can say no AND she can think the request is entitled and gross.

True. But as the poster before you noted, the real focus should be on knowing how to say no in a matter-of-fact way to unreasonable requests. Especially for something as easy as taking part in a miserable process that a lot of us only endured as brokeass twentysomethings.

I will add that I am often happy to pitch in on the settling-in aspects of a move -- "Do you want help setting up the kitchen?" "Can I take the kids to a movie to get them out of your hair?" -- but if you're renting a truck when you could hire movers, I'm keeping my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry. I’m too old for that $hit”. No further explanation

This. I would even laugh it off:

"Haha, no way. If I help you move, I won't be able to get out of bed for a week. I'm way too old for that. Haha"

Use the humor to cut straight to the point

[Anonymous]

It's not just the pain and soreness and risk of injury.

You hire movers, pay the 5-7k, and the move is done in 1 day!!!! It's a long day, but it's done.

I can't imagine wanting to spread it out over 3 weeks!

[Anonymous]

The less details in your response, the better. "Sorry I am not available to help you move. Can't wait for the housewarming!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think even in your 30s with professional jobs this is an obnoxious request. I have helped friends at that age and was definitely annoyed because when I have moved I have just paid for movers. Sure it’s expensive but you need to consider that cost when buying a home. The other obnoxious part about when I helped someone was that they were moving into a $900k home. They were just being cheap.

Agree. I paid for movers in my 20s. These people are entitled freeloaders.

[Anonymous]

DH's family is like this. All of my in-laws have moved several times, within the area (including us), and most times the family ends up doing the work. My adult ILs don't seem to mind it, but you can bet my teenage nephews and nieces grumble about it. I felt bad because I told DH I'd have been happy to pay for movers when we moved from an apartment to our current house, but he insisted on using his family. Conveniently for me, the four moves this has happened in the past, I've either been pregnant or totally incapacitated with the flu... so I've always gotten out of it.

[Anonymous]

I was asked by a friend to help move and simply said “I’m to old for that”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would say we have bad backs and we had to hire movers the last move!
Unless you had them helped you moved prior. Then you can't use this line 😂...

Why do people always have to lie? You're a grown up. Say, "I'm sorry for not helping you move. I have some recommendations for some moving companies if you'd like and will be happy to help you unpack some boxes (if you are) once everything is moved in."

That's all you need to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”

Why does she need to drop by with lunch? DH is helping them. You don’t need to RSVP, OP. Say nothing.

Because she's a decent human being. It's family and moving is stressful. If she likes her BIL/SIL, it's a nice gesture to stop by with lunch when they are moving.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god. NO. I'm 43, we just moved last weekend. We hired movers, but between the unpacking, stair climbing etc., I was exhausted and aching. I'm in shape too! Moving is hard and you do not need to risk your back for people who won't pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think even in your 30s with professional jobs this is an obnoxious request. I have helped friends at that age and was definitely annoyed because when I have moved I have just paid for movers. Sure it’s expensive but you need to consider that cost when buying a home. The other obnoxious part about when I helped someone was that they were moving into a $900k home. They were just being cheap.

My husband is like that, he wants to do everything himself even in his 50s. However he never ask other people for help.

My son hired a mover to move 3 city blocks into a new apartment LOL

That's nice that he doesn't expect others to help. My dad used the four of us kids and, occasionally my mom, as his on-call assistants for all his home and garden DIY projects. To this day, we all hate gardening and call a professional for any repairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”

Why does she need to drop by with lunch? DH is helping them. You don’t need to RSVP, OP. Say nothing.

Because she's a decent human being. It's family and moving is stressful. If she likes her BIL/SIL, it's a nice gesture to stop by with lunch when they are moving.

I see, bend over backwards for people who are so tight they won't hire help or even provide lunch and drinks for the volunteers.