Expecting people to help you move in your forties?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

How about the value of their 40 year old back? How the embarrassment of asking another middle aged person who does do manual labor for a living to move heavy objects?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

Those are the people who are taken advantage of the most, btw.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

Let's be real about what "do things differently" means. Here it means, asking your friends/family to move you. No one is judging if BIL wants to move himself. It's the assumption of other people's labor that is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say "oh sorry, I can't help with moving boxes but let me know when I can come over and help with unpacking".

Don't give a reason why, just say no to moving boxes.

Good luck with that when there are boxes all over the place. They will find a smaller one for you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t expect “people” to help me move but if my siblings were local, I would probably assume they were going to pack a few pity boxes. And I would do the same for them, of course.

[Anonymous]

“All I’m good for is the driving. You pack and carry and I’ll drive it over. I’m too old to be lugging stuff like that.”

[Anonymous]

If OP’s husband wants to help his brother, then OP shouldn’t pout about it. There is no obligation for OP to help so she should feel fine about declining the “invitation” to help. I do think our society has lost out by people being less willing to both ask for and receive help though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s my BIL and SIL. Can’t politely decline or say I’m unavailable. It’s frustrating because I know they can afford to hire movers, they’re just too cheap and would rather rely in free help from family and friends.

It’s my husband’s younger brother so he’s spending all day there helping him when we have shit we need to get done here to prepare for the work week.

I would say something like sorry, our days of helping with moving are over because we’re too old and tired. But it sounds like the ship has sailed and your husband is already helping.

[Anonymous]

I'd just laugh and say "sorry, I'm too old for that!" My husband can help or not help as he sees fit.

[Anonymous]

If you want to help but not move boxes, just say you are not up for moving boxes but are happy to help them unpack for a few hours on DATES. If you don’t want to help at all, just say, sorry, I am not able to help or you don’t want to risk injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

Let's be real about what "do things differently" means. Here it means, asking your friends/family to move you. No one is judging if BIL wants to move himself. It's the assumption of other people's labor that is gross.

Just say no, then. You can say no. I don't understand this idea that simply by asking, the BIL/SIL have created an unavoidable obligation for OP to resent and complain about.

I am 43 years old. If someone asked me to help them move this weekend, I'd say, "Sorry, I've got my hands full with the kids and think I might have aged out of that, but best of luck to you." And then I wouldn't think about it again except to later ask them how their move went.

It is much more concerning to me that apparently a lot of people reach their 40s without learning how to politely decline a request like this, that the fact that some people continue to ask for help with moving in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

People can say no. Things get asked. People say no. No need to judge, just need to actually speak the words, "no".. That's what grown ups do, in all things. But not enough on DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”

They aren't buying lunch for their helpers? If I was having people working for free, I wouldn't expect someone else to pay for their lunch and drinks.

OP here. Lol definitely not. Like I said, they’re super cheap. Plus he’s the youngest in the family. Idk if it would even occur to him that this is the polite thing to do with family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Nope, her follow up indicates that this is an additional issue/problem, and that's all. I know some of you are REALLY determined to turn threads back on the OP no matter how much you have to twist yourselves into pretzels, and it's really tiresome. Give it a rest, folks.

I think OP's real problem is with her husband because I don't think her stated problem is real.

OP is like "shouldn't these people hire movers? they can afford them." But what many of us are saying is that it doesn't matter. You don't have to help them move, but if they want to try and do it without movers, that's up to them.

Which again, brings us back to the real issue, which is that OP doesn't want her husband to help his brother move. That's a marital issue, not a question of etiquette.

The reason why my BIL is not hiring movers is because he expects his three brothers and their wives and a couple close friends to help out every weekend until it’s done. That’s what I find baffling. The entitlement to our labor.

I’m not sure what movers cost if they’re not also packing you - 10k? 20k? I just know it’s one of the few situations where money really will solve the problem. So just hire the movers, get it done in one day, and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously I’m not moving boxes but I could not imagine saying I can’t help unpack the kitchen 1 weekend day or not let my H do what he wants because I feel jealous he’s spending time with his sibling.

Btw, if your over 40 why not hire someone to do the chores at your house you need done?

Moving is a one time thing. There a tons of little things to be done in the house every weekend even if you have hired help.