My girlfriend only wants to spend Christmas with her family. I think this is so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This site is bonkers. I have no idea why the people above are ganging up on you.

First - depending on age, 3 years is completely reasonable to be dating. I met DH at 22, we dated for 3.5 years before he proposed, and have been happily married for 25 years. Those 3.5 years did not feel remotely long or dragged out at the time.

Second - yeah, your girl friend is being selfish. At some point you figure out how to spend the holidays together, and that means sacrificing some of your time with your family. Splitting the holiday between your family and hers isn't reasonable, given how far away your family is. But it is totally reasonable to spend every second holiday with your family.

With all that said, I'm guessing you guys are mid 20s, and I don't think it's unusual for someone with close ties to their family to be really emotionally tied up with visiting family for the holidays. The first couple years I had to do things without my family at the holidays I was devastated. Like tears and depression. And I'm a pretty stoic person. We are lucky in that we ultimately ended up somewhat close to both our families so don't have to split things. But my point is that holidays can bring out really strong emotions in some people, and her reaction - while not particularly rational - is not unusual for your age either. So assuming she's otherwise not selfish, I'd try and get through this year without holding a grudge against her. Then you get engaged this year, and before next year you come up with a plan for the long term - like alternating holidays.

Perfect advice. I hope op hasn't been a ared away from this thread. By the first page of bonkers replies.

+1 I remember the transition away from every holiday with my family being really hard! But as you get older and you have kids, you build new traditions and if you have good in-laws become a part of their family too so it doesn’t feel so much like missing your own family’s celebration. She may need time and she’s trying to share that this day is very important to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This site is bonkers. I have no idea why the people above are ganging up on you.

First - depending on age, 3 years is completely reasonable to be dating. I met DH at 22, we dated for 3.5 years before he proposed, and have been happily married for 25 years. Those 3.5 years did not feel remotely long or dragged out at the time.

Second - yeah, your girl friend is being selfish. At some point you figure out how to spend the holidays together, and that means sacrificing some of your time with your family. Splitting the holiday between your family and hers isn't reasonable, given how far away your family is. But it is totally reasonable to spend every second holiday with your family.

With all that said, I'm guessing you guys are mid 20s, and I don't think it's unusual for someone with close ties to their family to be really emotionally tied up with visiting family for the holidays. The first couple years I had to do things without my family at the holidays I was devastated. Like tears and depression. And I'm a pretty stoic person. We are lucky in that we ultimately ended up somewhat close to both our families so don't have to split things. But my point is that holidays can bring out really strong emotions in some people, and her reaction - while not particularly rational - is not unusual for your age either. So assuming she's otherwise not selfish, I'd try and get through this year without holding a grudge against her. Then you get engaged this year, and before next year you come up with a plan for the long term - like alternating holidays.

Perfect advice. I hope op hasn't been a ared away from this thread. By the first page of bonkers replies.

+1 I remember the transition away from every holiday with my family being really hard! But as you get older and you have kids, you build new traditions and if you have good in-laws become a part of their family too so it doesn’t feel so much like missing your own family’s celebration. She may need time and she’s trying to share that this day is very important to her.

She needs a proposal. She is not married to this man so why should she rearrange how she spends her holidays with her family, for him? If he wants to spend holidays with her, he should marry her.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

I also don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. The OP wants what they want — and isn’t budging. The GF is willing to be very flexible— with the exception of one day that matters to her and to her family. They can start doing “what married people do” when they’re married. Right now they’re not married, or even engaged. The OP hasn’t proposed to “share” anything, or offered any compromises at all here. And not caring that one person has “special “ desires is “not what married people….do” PP — not if they have a healthy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

I also don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. The OP wants what they want — and isn’t budging. The GF is willing to be very flexible— with the exception of one day that matters to her and to her family. They can start doing “what married people do” when they’re married. Right now they’re not married, or even engaged. The OP hasn’t proposed to “share” anything, or offered any compromises at all here. And not caring that one person has “special “ desires is “not what married people….do” PP — not if they have a healthy marriage.

In all seriousness, this is the kind of black or white attitude that I assume predated many of the sexLess angry, soon to be divorced women on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

I also don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. The OP wants what they want — and isn’t budging. The GF is willing to be very flexible— with the exception of one day that matters to her and to her family. They can start doing “what married people do” when they’re married. Right now they’re not married, or even engaged. The OP hasn’t proposed to “share” anything, or offered any compromises at all here. And not caring that one person has “special “ desires is “not what married people….do” PP — not if they have a healthy marriage.

Which, since it is the highest value holiday day out of the 365 days of the year for 99% of people, is not “flexible” at all. It “matters to” OP’s family too, and mine, and most everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to get married, propose. She's smart enough not to act like a wife until you act like a husband. Three years is enough.

And if the two of you can't resolve this with a civil conversation, just break up. A married couple faces a lot of disagreements and challenges, and this is a small one in the grand scheme of things.

Totally agree! 3 years is enough of dating!

[Anonymous]

Once we had kids, the grandparents traveled to us. We have never spent a Christmas away from OUR house. Some years both sets of grandparents come to our house for Xmas. My parents live 4 hr drive away. My in laws are a 2 hr flight or 10+ hr drive.

My dad’s birthday is mid June. I try to visit my dad every Father’s Day and Dh gets kind of shafted for Father’s Day.

One day, you will have kids and won’t want to drag your kids to either grandparents house.

This is not a dealbreaker.

I could see her being forever resentful if her dad gets sick or dies and you made her choose between her dad and your parents on his birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

I also don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. The OP wants what they want — and isn’t budging. The GF is willing to be very flexible— with the exception of one day that matters to her and to her family. They can start doing “what married people do” when they’re married. Right now they’re not married, or even engaged. The OP hasn’t proposed to “share” anything, or offered any compromises at all here. And not caring that one person has “special “ desires is “not what married people….do” PP — not if they have a healthy marriage.

In all seriousness, this is the kind of black or white attitude that I assume predated many of the sexLess angry, soon to be divorced women on this forum.

I’d agree. Along with lots of angry incels who just can’t understand why women won’t flock to them and do everything their way.

Again, what stands out to me is that the OP is offering nothing. No flexibility, no understanding, no alternative plans, no real commitment. Good on the women who realize that they can do better.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to clarify if GF is willing to be more equitable after marriage and if this an annual requirement (or a milestone 70th birthday celebration). Until then it’s just hard to read the situation.

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend only wants to spend Christmas with her family ~ You are not married

You and GF aren't a family. Create a family if that's what you want - it's called Marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

+1

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies, but if you end up having kids you’ll probably want some years that you’re at your own home so it’s hard to predict how holidays will work.

We haven’t don’t Xmas with my in-laws in years. It’s not very fair to them in some respects, but it’s how it is. My siblings are home with their families every other year (as are we) and travel to my parents every other year. My sister’s in-laws live in the same town as her and my sister-in-law’s parents travel the two hours to see them every month or so (and / or will stay for a week at a time). (My brother and his wife actually live in the same town as my parents.). My parents just visited us across the country for the first time in 3 years and my in laws haven’t visited us in 6 years. It’s hard being the ones who travel! The Christmases that my siblings are home I want to see them and my nieces / nephews. My brother also has a child with whom he shares custody and they never know their schedule until last minute, but they split Christmas Day. So that can be hard to plan around. My in-laws are a 3 hr drive from my parents. We typically visit them a day or two after Christmas on the years we fly home. Sometimes we stay to New Year’s. Their 42 yr old son is unmarried / no kids and so there aren’t any cousins or other kids around. It seems more reasonable to have adults wait to do Xmas on the 27th or whatever even though there are ways that’s probably hard for them. It’s also hard because my whole extended family is very close so at Christmas there are gatherings with 30-40 aunts, uncles, cousins etc, going to the family church and all that. DH has no extended family he’s close to (and none near his parents) and no specific holiday traditions that can’t be moved to a different day. So, again, I get that it’s probably hard for my in-laws, but it’s what we do. They’d be welcome to visit us for Christmas the years we’re at home if they ever wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how everyone’s response isn’t unanimous. Of course it’s unreasonable for the gf to say that evey Christmas Day should be spent with her family. That is so selfish. I don’t care if it’s a “special” holiday for her family. That’s not what married people who are creating a new family together do. OP says they plan to get married. They need to share holidays AND they need to leave the door open that once they have kids, they may decide to not travel at all for some holidays.

That's worthless without a proposal.