Two siblings forced the sale of our inherited beach house and I can't get over it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those low class Bush and Kennedy families are so dumb for keeping oceanfront land in the family for generations. Don’t they know you can rent at a variety of places on Airbnb and stay in hotels?

LOL, how stupid is this? If you're not wealthy like the Bushes or Kennedys, you might not even be able to keep the house for two generations. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED TO OP. Nobody here is saying that a beach house wouldn't be fantastic; they're saying that OP couldn't afford to buy it, so too bad so sad. I too am bummed that I didn't have the money to buy affordable beachfront property 10, 20, 30 years ago, but that is life.

I would also not discount how difficult it can be to manage a jointly owned property. Maintenance, upkeep and taxes can be sizable expenses, and if you have reluctant or poor owners, you are going to have to deal with this all the time. Are you going to rent the property out at all? That's another source of conflict. Does one family live closer and use the house more often? Did someone in one family leave a boogie board there and another family used it? (there was a DCUM posting like that). Who decides when to redecorate and how much to spend? What happens to the next generation, when the house needs to be divided 3, 6, or 10 ways among the offspring of three families? It's easy to romanticize the past when you don't have to shell out every year for taxes and upkeep.

We have rented the same beach house year after year and have lovely memories and family traditions, even without being Bushes or Kennedys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP.

Just to be clear -- is someone really implying that you have to own a beach house to create good memories and a happy childhood for your children? Really, or am I misreading how the dichotomy is set up?

I'm not sure that people without beach houses are confined to mortgagor children. That's ... an odd take.

I assume people who did not grow up with access to family vacation homes don’t really understand, so it’s easy to be dismissive about the experiences, memories and traditions. A rental is not the same thing, not even close. And also, if you’re miserable and hate where you’re from or are estranged from family, it’s even easier to be dismissive about all of this.

You ... get that my family without a beach house head living and strong traditions, too? That gathering and shucking pecans with my grandmother, her hand on mine as we rolled out the poor dough, are cherished, right?

That our giant family reunions riverside -- without a beach house -- full of games and laughing cousins were amazing, chasing fireflies and my uncle playing the violin as dusk came down?

Do you admit that you, who did not experience it, don't really understand and find it easy to be dismissive of that?

It's there any way at all you can stretch your brain to understand that even, yes even!, someone in your social circle might have married into a family with different and cherished traditions, or even -- even! -- themselves remember and cherish something different from you? Any way at all?

Or is it really that just the wealth-related traditions that you happen to like are the only ones that count?

Are you just as prone to dismissing my experience because you did not share it?

Thank you for confirming the point that miserable serial posters like you are triggered about topics like this. You like to see UMC people like OP knocked down a peg or two. And you have zero grasp of wealth, land, inheritance and family estate planning.

DP here. I think other PP is trying to say that some random old beach rental, probably a different one every year, maybe on a highway, maybe not so close to the last, with some contrived name on the sign hung on the front of the house - maybe or maybe not in the same town as the year before - is not the same memories of even renting the same beach house, or a house on the same small street, each year. There is less memory making, if the house or area means little or nothing.

Not saying I agree, that is just how some people feel. For example, an obligatory week with the inlaws isn't always about memory making, but sometimes obligation to a family that would otherwise have something negative to say, whether or not you showed up. Sometimes the matriarch/patriarch of the family isn't so sweet or warm or welcoming or inclusive or pleasant or fun. Not every family is sweet or warm or welcoming or inclusive or pleasant or fun - not every family is the same, as you stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those low class Bush and Kennedy families are so dumb for keeping oceanfront land in the family for generations. Don’t they know you can rent at a variety of places on Airbnb and stay in hotels?

LOL, how stupid is this? If you're not wealthy like the Bushes or Kennedys, you might not even be able to keep the house for two generations. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED TO OP. Nobody here is saying that a beach house wouldn't be fantastic; they're saying that OP couldn't afford to buy it, so too bad so sad. I too am bummed that I didn't have the money to buy affordable beachfront property 10, 20, 30 years ago, but that is life.

I would also not discount how difficult it can be to manage a jointly owned property. Maintenance, upkeep and taxes can be sizable expenses, and if you have reluctant or poor owners, you are going to have to deal with this all the time. Are you going to rent the property out at all? That's another source of conflict. Does one family live closer and use the house more often? Did someone in one family leave a boogie board there and another family used it? (there was a DCUM posting like that). Who decides when to redecorate and how much to spend? What happens to the next generation, when the house needs to be divided 3, 6, or 10 ways among the offspring of three families? It's easy to romanticize the past when you don't have to shell out every year for taxes and upkeep.

We have rented the same beach house year after year and have lovely memories and family traditions, even without being Bushes or Kennedys.

DP here. I think renting the same exact beach house each and every year, for generations, makes a big difference - but 90%of people are not able to do that.

Most beach houses are not worth renting the same each and every year.

[Anonymous]

"I assume people who did not grow up with access to family vacation homes don’t really understand, so it’s easy to be dismissive about the experiences, memories and traditions. A rental is not the same thing, not even close. And also, if you’re miserable and hate where you’re from or are estranged from family, it’s even easier to be dismissive about all of this."

So if you DID grow up with access to a family vacation home,
how do you know that our experience was so different? YOU are the one being dismissive about our rentals and deciding "it's not the same thing".

I went on family vacations with my parents from probably 1990 - 2005 in (gasp) rented homes and we have many lovely memories.
They bought a house there around 2005 and we continue to build lovely memories.
When my parents pass I'm certain my siblings will want to sell because the majority actually hates that town and the property (too much upkeep/in the sticks).

I own a beach house now and it's no picnic. Storms, upkeep, repairs, renters, it's a drain. Financially it's hopefully a good investment but, it's a pain and it's expensive. I wouldn't want to be negotiating who is going to be responsible for what with my siblings.

Bottom line my siblings are more important to me than a house and I am not going to fight with them about an inherited property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those low class Bush and Kennedy families are so dumb for keeping oceanfront land in the family for generations. Don’t they know you can rent at a variety of places on Airbnb and stay in hotels?

LOL, how stupid is this? If you're not wealthy like the Bushes or Kennedys, you might not even be able to keep the house for two generations. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED TO OP. Nobody here is saying that a beach house wouldn't be fantastic; they're saying that OP couldn't afford to buy it, so too bad so sad. I too am bummed that I didn't have the money to buy affordable beachfront property 10, 20, 30 years ago, but that is life.

I would also not discount how difficult it can be to manage a jointly owned property. Maintenance, upkeep and taxes can be sizable expenses, and if you have reluctant or poor owners, you are going to have to deal with this all the time. Are you going to rent the property out at all? That's another source of conflict. Does one family live closer and use the house more often? Did someone in one family leave a boogie board there and another family used it? (there was a DCUM posting like that). Who decides when to redecorate and how much to spend? What happens to the next generation, when the house needs to be divided 3, 6, or 10 ways among the offspring of three families? It's easy to romanticize the past when you don't have to shell out every year for taxes and upkeep.

We have rented the same beach house year after year and have lovely memories and family traditions, even without being Bushes or Kennedys.

DP here. I think renting the same exact beach house each and every year, for generations, makes a big difference - but 90%of people are not able to do that.

Most beach houses are not worth renting the same each and every year.

Okay. Well now OP is in this group because she didn't buy out her siblings six years ago when she had the chance. It sounds like her memories are tormenting her and have destroyed her relationships with her siblings, so it sounds like the house was more of a curse than a blessing if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP.

Just to be clear -- is someone really implying that you have to own a beach house to create good memories and a happy childhood for your children? Really, or am I misreading how the dichotomy is set up?

I'm not sure that people without beach houses are confined to mortgagor children. That's ... an odd take.

I assume people who did not grow up with access to family vacation homes don’t really understand, so it’s easy to be dismissive about the experiences, memories and traditions. A rental is not the same thing, not even close. And also, if you’re miserable and hate where you’re from or are estranged from family, it’s even easier to be dismissive about all of this.

You ... get that my family without a beach house head living and strong traditions, too? That gathering and shucking pecans with my grandmother, her hand on mine as we rolled out the poor dough, are cherished, right?

That our giant family reunions riverside -- without a beach house -- full of games and laughing cousins were amazing, chasing fireflies and my uncle playing the violin as dusk came down?

Do you admit that you, who did not experience it, don't really understand and find it easy to be dismissive of that?

It's there any way at all you can stretch your brain to understand that even, yes even!, someone in your social circle might have married into a family with different and cherished traditions, or even -- even! -- themselves remember and cherish something different from you? Any way at all?

Or is it really that just the wealth-related traditions that you happen to like are the only ones that count?

Are you just as prone to dismissing my experience because you did not share it?

Thank you for confirming the point that miserable serial posters like you are triggered about topics like this. You like to see UMC people like OP knocked down a peg or two. And you have zero grasp of wealth, land, inheritance and family estate planning.

DP here. I think other PP is trying to say that some random old beach rental, probably a different one every year, maybe on a highway, maybe not so close to the last, with some contrived name on the sign hung on the front of the house - maybe or maybe not in the same town as the year before - is not the same memories of even renting the same beach house, or a house on the same small street, each year. There is less memory making, if the house or area means little or nothing.

Not saying I agree, that is just how some people feel. For example, an obligatory week with the inlaws isn't always about memory making, but sometimes obligation to a family that would otherwise have something negative to say, whether or not you showed up. Sometimes the matriarch/patriarch of the family isn't so sweet or warm or welcoming or inclusive or pleasant or fun. Not every family is sweet or warm or welcoming or inclusive or pleasant or fun - not every family is the same, as you stated.

Oh, bless you. Those aren't the only alternatives, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some responses here that are certainly not classy.

It's interesting that what you have can mean more to some than how you behave.

Topics like are are a magnet for the miserable. The same personalities troll the private school forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some responses here that are certainly not classy.

It's interesting that what you have can mean more to some than how you behave.

Topics like are are a magnet for the miserable. The same personalities troll the private school forum.

Are you talking about OP? She's the one who is miserable, six years after her uncle sold the place.

[Anonymous]

OP, you get that it's not just The Poor's that disagree with you, right?

Your siblings grew up in the same family, with same SES, and same experiences, and yet they declined to keep participating.

Looks like you were outvoted by your peers, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad my parents have nothing to inherit except maybe debt.

My wife's side of the family is more well-off and I have seen some ugly disputes over land and property. Two brothers no longer speak. The family has to balance functions - if brother A came to Thanksgiving, brother B gets to come to Christmas, etc. So crazy.

Personally I have so many "should haves" in hindsight. What I try to do is follow it through with a worst case scenario. Had I bought that bigger house would I have nightmare neighbors instead of the lovely families I do now? If I had taken that job with more money would I have dreaded going into work today?

Maybe OP can reframe her thoughts about it using your experience. She can mourn the loss of both memories and potential financial gains had the decision gone one way, but can also imagine a downside if they had kept the house. Would it have spawned disputes about who gets to stay there, who does maintenance, etc. Maybe she dodged a lot of family fights.

[Anonymous]

Feelings and emotional memories are like religious beliefs. They are personal. They are often cherished. They make great starting points for deciding what you should do in your own life, and for figuring out what is important to you.

But we all get to have them, and other people are going to sometimes have different ones than you. That doesn't make yours better or more important. They are just yours and supply to your life. Other people can say the same for theirs.

[Anonymous]

Had the siblings decided to keep the house, OP would be here complaining about how difficult the brother and sister are. The narrative would be that she pays the lion's share of the bills, yet they get the best summer weeks and always leave a mess and break stuff. You just know that would be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP.

Just to be clear -- is someone really implying that you have to own a beach house to create good memories and a happy childhood for your children? Really, or am I misreading how the dichotomy is set up?

I'm not sure that people without beach houses are confined to mortgagor children. That's ... an odd take.

I assume people who did not grow up with access to family vacation homes don’t really understand, so it’s easy to be dismissive about the experiences, memories and traditions. A rental is not the same thing, not even close. And also, if you’re miserable and hate where you’re from or are estranged from family, it’s even easier to be dismissive about all of this.

Beach houses, and family businesses, tend to work out well when one person (or a married couple) own them and have the ultimate say on how they’re run/used.

Once ownership passes on to a group of siblings, that’s when the problems typically start. I expect that when my FIL dies, one of the four siblings in my wife’s family will force a sale of the Delaware beach house.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't ask for sibling advice here. DCUM is terrible with siblings conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those low class Bush and Kennedy families are so dumb for keeping oceanfront land in the family for generations. Don’t they know you can rent at a variety of places on Airbnb and stay in hotels?

For most of us, it’s at least a century too late to join the Patrician class and pick up waterfront property for a relative pittance. And, I guaranty those properties are owned by a family trust, with clearly defined control rules in the trust document.