Did anyone here not make close friends in college despite living on/near campus all four years?

[Anonymous]

I went to a big, relatively prestigious state school known for good on-campus community (think UVA, UNC, UMich) and graduated in the mid-90s. Despite living on campus for my first two years and in a group house off-campus for the last two years, I didn't make close friends in college. I only talk to one friend from my college days, and I'm not particularly close to her (only meet up with her ~once a year despite living in the same city).

And I was involved in on-campus organizations, had a job (actually, multiple) throughout college, am not unattractive, etc. I just didn't find my people or a good social circle in college and mostly stuck to myself despite repeated efforts to make friends. Was socially rejected a lot.

[Anonymous]

That’s sad. Do you have friends now?

[Anonymous]

I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s sad. Do you have friends now?

I have a couple of friends in the DMV, but not a particularly close-knit "group" of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s sad. Do you have friends now?

This. Have you made close friends before or after college?

[Anonymous]

Very similar for me. UVA, mid-90s. I had the same group of housemates throughout, and we were friendly enough, but not like other groups of close friends I’ve clicked with at other times throughout my life, and I don’t talk to anyone from college anymore. I tried other outlets, but I found the social scene really rough.

[Anonymous]

I’m similar. I had a small but close circle of friends in high school and in various places and stages since college have had strong circles of friends. I’m more of a 1 or 2 close friends than a large group of friends type. In college I had lots of friends but moved away from them all for grad school and never stayed connected. Casually keep in touch via Facebook occasionally but that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

OP here. That was exactly my situation. My freshman hall had one big clique, and I tried very hard freshman year to fit into the big group of girls who were all friends with each other on my floor. I should've realized sooner that they were not interested in being friends with me, but for some reason I thought that being nice to them would have them "invite" me into their friend group.

And yes, same experience here with being lonely very frequently, not having a great group of friends who you're still friends with after graduation, and being on the fringes of other social circles.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the spectrum, but I got a neuropsych eval in grad school and the answer was no.

[Anonymous]

I had good friends in college, but then immediately moved across the country after graduation for an all consuming graduate program. This was before social media and cell phones, and our university took away our school email addresses about a month after graduation. As a result, I didn't remain in touch.

I think it would have been be different if I graduated with modern technology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very similar for me. UVA, mid-90s. I had the same group of housemates throughout, and we were friendly enough, but not like other groups of close friends I’ve clicked with at other times throughout my life, and I don’t talk to anyone from college anymore. I tried other outlets, but I found the social scene really rough.

OP here. Same here. I didn't go to UVA but I attended a somewhat similar school.

[Anonymous]

I went to a larger commuter college and lived with my boyfriend in the city. I didn't make any friends at college, I went to my classes, worked, partied with my friends (who I know from HS). This was in the 80's, my experience was different from most but it was great. Once I took my 1st professional job for what I studied in college, I made a ton of great friends. 35 years later I'm still close with my HS friends, all my work friends and no one from college, and I met my husband. Not everyone meets there friends in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

OP here. That was exactly my situation. My freshman hall had one big clique, and I tried very hard freshman year to fit into the big group of girls who were all friends with each other on my floor. I should've realized sooner that they were not interested in being friends with me, but for some reason I thought that being nice to them would have them "invite" me into their friend group.

And yes, same experience here with being lonely very frequently, not having a great group of friends who you're still friends with after graduation, and being on the fringes of other social circles.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the spectrum, but I got a neuropsych eval in grad school and the answer was no.

I’m sorry to hear that, OP. My DD is autistic. The advice they give over and over again is to find friends through an activity you enjoy. If you are looking for friends, this is the way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

I only made 1 friend, my roommate.

I lived with boys (I’m female) for 2 years and hung out with their friends.

I had a few HS friends I hung out with.

I was a female engineering major so made zero friend in my classes.

My youngest son has made 1 friend at college too and generally hates college. Doesn’t enjoy big parties or bars.

[Anonymous]

Me. Contributing factors:

- Studied abroad junior year and when I came back for senior year struggled to find housing off campus (and living on campus as an upperclassman would have been considered weird) and wound up living with a friend who had already graduated, not that close to campus. She was busy with work and we didn't socialize that much, but it also meant I was a bit far from other friends for socializing, and it kind of torpedoed those friendships. We stayed friends but then did not stay in touch after graduation.

- Moved to a part of the country where not a lot of alums from my undergrad go. Had one friend from undergrad who moved here at the same time and we have definitely stayed friends, but I went to grad school and her career/personal life went in a different direction from mine, so I wouldn't say we're close at all. For instance I didn't invite her to my (admittedly small) wedding and it wasn't weird at all.

- I think I'm a bit of a loner in general? I have more grad school friends than undergrad friends, but even in that category I'd only include one classmate who I'd say is still a good friend 10+ years later.

But it was fine because I wound up making a really great group of friends in my late 20s, post grad school, who remain my closest friends. And I met my spouse through that group. So failing to create close connections in undergrad was not the end of the world. I mostly only think of it when I'm hanging out with my good friends and one of them mentions one of the THEIR college friends, or getting together with college pals, and I remember "oh yeah, I don't really do that." Oh well. I have a good life otherwise! And my degree still works for getting me jobs and stuff. So it all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Same. I went to a large state school. Met people, did stuff but never felt a real connection with anyone. Stayed in touch with a few folks after graduation but eventually the contact disappeared. Of course, all of this was before social media - so letters and phone calls would have been required. In my adulthood, I have made good friends and have a solid social scene. For me personally there was something about college that was very unsettling - becoming an adult, dealing with relationship break ups, family health issues, working a job, difficult and demanding major - I never really found people that were a "fit". It took be by surprise as I had been social in high school and I was worried it was a problem. Looking back its only 4 years - and if you are changing living arrangments each year you start over. In hindsight it wasn't a bad thing, I didn't feel miserable I just didn't connect.