Did anyone here not make close friends in college despite living on/near campus all four years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

OP here. That was exactly my situation. My freshman hall had one big clique, and I tried very hard freshman year to fit into the big group of girls who were all friends with each other on my floor. I should've realized sooner that they were not interested in being friends with me, but for some reason I thought that being nice to them would have them "invite" me into their friend group.

And yes, same experience here with being lonely very frequently, not having a great group of friends who you're still friends with after graduation, and being on the fringes of other social circles.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the spectrum, but I got a neuropsych eval in grad school and the answer was no.

I’m sorry to hear that, OP. My DD is autistic. The advice they give over and over again is to find friends through an activity you enjoy. If you are looking for friends, this is the way to go about it.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me. Contributing factors:

- Studied abroad junior year and when I came back for senior year struggled to find housing off campus (and living on campus as an upperclassman would have been considered weird) and wound up living with a friend who had already graduated, not that close to campus. She was busy with work and we didn't socialize that much, but it also meant I was a bit far from other friends for socializing, and it kind of torpedoed those friendships. We stayed friends but then did not stay in touch after graduation.

- Moved to a part of the country where not a lot of alums from my undergrad go. Had one friend from undergrad who moved here at the same time and we have definitely stayed friends, but I went to grad school and her career/personal life went in a different direction from mine, so I wouldn't say we're close at all. For instance I didn't invite her to my (admittedly small) wedding and it wasn't weird at all.

- I think I'm a bit of a loner in general? I have more grad school friends than undergrad friends, but even in that category I'd only include one classmate who I'd say is still a good friend 10+ years later.

But it was fine because I wound up making a really great group of friends in my late 20s, post grad school, who remain my closest friends. And I met my spouse through that group. So failing to create close connections in undergrad was not the end of the world. I mostly only think of it when I'm hanging out with my good friends and one of them mentions one of the THEIR college friends, or getting together with college pals, and I remember "oh yeah, I don't really do that." Oh well. I have a good life otherwise! And my degree still works for getting me jobs and stuff. So it all worked out.

Curious, how did this happen for you? Making friends in your late 20s as an adult in a new city is notoriously difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

I also spent too much time with my boyfriend and his friends when I was in college. I also was in a major with a lot of guys and I had more male friends than female friends. I definitely had friends, both male and female, but they are not close friends in my adult life.

[Anonymous]

I made great friends my freshman year at my SLAC but then my best friend transferred and I met a guy who lived next door to me in the dorm and that was basically my sophomore year. We broke up between sophomore an junior year and thankfully I had decided already to live in my sorority house which was the best decision I could have made. Found my group, always had someone to hang out with, go to parties with, was the best. They are unfortunately in a different area of the country so haven't seen them in a few years but am thankful for the times we had.

[Anonymous]

To posters writing that social media or online communications would have helped to keep connected to college friends, that's not necessarily true. These days see young adults follow or have "friends" from college on social online accounts but that's about it. So while you can say they have "friends" most are mere acquaintances that they don't actually hang out with or can call if needed to listen-help-give advice.

[Anonymous]

Making and keeping friends can be very hard. There’s also a fair amount of luck involved in finding your people at the right place and time. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault

[Anonymous]

I went to a SLAC but never found my people. My college was very cliquish and majority of the students were rich, white, went to boarding schools/fancy private schools, snobby, elitist kids. I am white and UMC too but grew up in a very urban, very diverse area and my friends from (public) high school are a very racially/ethnically and socioeconomically diverse group. I felt like an outsider at my SLAC. It wasn't until my jr year that I made some good friends who I really bonded w/ and they were all international students and most live abroad now so we're not really in touch anymore. But I still sometimes get sad when others talk about getting together w/ their group of college friends or their BFF from college. I don't have that. I do have it w/ high school friends though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very similar for me. UVA, mid-90s. I had the same group of housemates throughout, and we were friendly enough, but not like other groups of close friends I’ve clicked with at other times throughout my life, and I don’t talk to anyone from college anymore. I tried other outlets, but I found the social scene really rough.

OP here. Same here. I didn't go to UVA but I attended a somewhat similar school.

It’s hard when you’ve worked so hard to get in somewhere with a reputation for being really fun, and then you find that it’s just not. (At least not for you.) I try to be really careful about overselling the college experience to my teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me. Contributing factors:

- Studied abroad junior year and when I came back for senior year struggled to find housing off campus (and living on campus as an upperclassman would have been considered weird) and wound up living with a friend who had already graduated, not that close to campus. She was busy with work and we didn't socialize that much, but it also meant I was a bit far from other friends for socializing, and it kind of torpedoed those friendships. We stayed friends but then did not stay in touch after graduation.

- Moved to a part of the country where not a lot of alums from my undergrad go. Had one friend from undergrad who moved here at the same time and we have definitely stayed friends, but I went to grad school and her career/personal life went in a different direction from mine, so I wouldn't say we're close at all. For instance I didn't invite her to my (admittedly small) wedding and it wasn't weird at all.

- I think I'm a bit of a loner in general? I have more grad school friends than undergrad friends, but even in that category I'd only include one classmate who I'd say is still a good friend 10+ years later.

But it was fine because I wound up making a really great group of friends in my late 20s, post grad school, who remain my closest friends. And I met my spouse through that group. So failing to create close connections in undergrad was not the end of the world. I mostly only think of it when I'm hanging out with my good friends and one of them mentions one of the THEIR college friends, or getting together with college pals, and I remember "oh yeah, I don't really do that." Oh well. I have a good life otherwise! And my degree still works for getting me jobs and stuff. So it all worked out.

Curious, how did this happen for you? Making friends in your late 20s as an adult in a new city is notoriously difficult.

I had a roommate who I kind of stumbled into (I was living with a grad school classmate who decided to take a year off and sublet her room to this person). We hit it off as roommates, in part because I think I was very open to making friends at the time (this is key). They had a sibling who also lived in our city, and I quickly became friends with that sibling as well due to proximity and, again, being open to it. Then the three of us used to go out a lot. Through this, we hung out with colleagues, grad school classmates (of all three of us), and people we met in random hobbies (classes, rec sports, trivia nights, whatever). Over time, we collected some people who just stuck around. Two of the three of us got married, and that solidified some of these connections. It was very organic but it started with a good accident (winding up sharing an apartment with someone the same age and life stage who was not a sociopath or shut in) and then making the effort to make that friendship, and the ones that followed work. I think I was especially motivated because I didn't have a ton of friends from undergrad and didn't feel like I was forming a bunch of lifelong friendship sin grad school. But I also think I might be someone who makes friends more easily outside the kind of forced socializing of school or work? I've never been someone who develops a lot of close workplace friendships either, and I think I just don't love mixing work and pleasure and that has led me to seek friendships outside my school or workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making and keeping friends can be very hard. There’s also a fair amount of luck involved in finding your people at the right place and time. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault

+100

For many people, college is not the time of their lives. They don't find their people in college.

[Anonymous]

Elite university. Perpetually on the fringes of multiple groups and bounced back and forth between them. No shortage of social life but not quite the same.

After graduation never kept in touch with anyone.

Life goes on. Not weeping over how things could have been different.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

[Anonymous]

I went to a SLAC in the 90s and had a similar experience. Made lots of not very deep friends while on campus, but only one friendship survived over the years.

In grad school I finally found my people. But all of them have since scattered to the far corners of the earth and the distance has slowly killed those friendships. I've also made some really good friends in my office, the ones with whom I have had meaningful connections, but they all left and moved far away and it's just not the same.

[Anonymous]

I had many good friends in college but I'm not in touch with any of them now. I'm close to people from HS, and people I met after grad school. I know there's this narrative that college defines your social and dating circle but I haven't found that true. Neither has my spouse, who is no longer in touch with college friends (he and I met after graduation).

[Anonymous]

Yes. I know nobody from my college. I had people I hung out with while I was there, but didn't become super close to anyone and when I graduated I just left and never looked back. I don't even remember the last names of anyone, including roommates.