Navigating Work, Kids, Marriage

[Anonymous]

Not sure where to post since these topics are across forums. I'm looking for advice because I am feeling beaten down and exhausted by work, childcare and parental expectations, and marital expectations. My third child is nine months and my older children are early elementary and preschool ages. My husband is amazing and does a lot to help around the house and is a very present parent when he is home. He does not travel but is in the office five days a week and works long days. We have a nanny who provides coverage during the week - she works nine hours a day. As our children age my invisible work continues to increase. Managing kid logistics is tough for me on top of my job because I have ADHD and am a perfectionist when it comes to my kids. I want to get everything right and that can create anxiety which further bogs me down.

I've been back at work for three months since my youngest was born and after a nearly two week work trip where I had both the flu and bacterial mastitis I am trying to catch up on everything and I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. My husband is also exhausted and overwhelmed. This is definitely made worse by the fact that I still nurse my youngest multiple times a night. We have almost no parental help and pay a lot for our incredibly small village. My husband and I make roughly the same amount of money but he has a large team and I am an individual contributor. I am in the succession plan at my company and have been told I am on track for a promotion in the next few years which would come a few years before my boss retires. My husband also seems to be up for a huge promotion next year. If he got that promotion he would make 1.5-2x what he currently makes and what I make. Given this, I'm trying to support him with his career growth while also not messing up my own trajectory. I'm trying to give him as long a rope as I can because I want him to get a promotion and he has supported me a lot in my career over the past few years - it's my turn. It's hard though because I want him to help more with the kid stuff but I feel like he's maxed out. How do people navigate this? I read comments on here that childcare help, yard help, and house cleaning will help in this situation. We do that. We could increase all that incrementally but to me that won't solve for the burnout and exhaustion that we both feel.

Thank you in advance for only providing positive and constructive comments.

[Anonymous]

You should work on not being a perfectionist. 80/20 really is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should work on not being a perfectionist. 80/20 really is the way.

What is 80/20?

[Anonymous]

You have to let go of the perfectionist / impossible expectations Re: parenting. Seriously, the comparing and measuring up you’re doing in your head? Your kids are none the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should not have had a third oh well

No one wants your sad troll energy.

[Anonymous]

What is the one thing ( besides sleep) you most often think….if only? Is it the planning, follow-up, scheduling? If so, maybe a personal assistant.

Find someone who would work a few hours a week. They speak with you on Monday and you lists all the things you need to get done, and they do it and send you a summary when done?

I’ve never done this and just making it up but a friend has one that is a true EA as it’s tied to her business. She is self- employed. She does have the EA book travel, cleaning, and other things that lighten her home load.

Maybe others have additional ideas!

[Anonymous]

Is your nanny doing all they should be doing? They should be doing all kids laundry, they should be letting you come home to a clean house.

You will feel SO much better if you get more sleep. Really invest a couple/few weeks on getting your 9 month old to sleep at least from a midnight dream feed to 6am. Keep in mind they need to get that hind milk when nursing because it has more fat. The hind milk will keep them full longer.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still feeding a 9 month old in the middle of the night? Stop it immediately and get some real sleep. No wonder you’re tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you still feeding a 9 month old in the middle of the night? Stop it immediately and get some real sleep. No wonder you’re tired.

Agree. Sleep train the baby.

[Anonymous]

I mean, OP. You have three kids. One is nine months old. You just had mastitis, which is so horrible.

One way to see it is that this should be about the bottom. Like, the good times don’t get much worse than they are right now. By good times of course I mean that everyone is healthy and growing and your main problem is lack of capacity.

Maybe it would help if you just give in to survival mode until you’ve weaned. Weaned plus three months maybe. And then maybe again until the youngest turns four. By then, things will be different.

[Anonymous]

OP - We have no family in the area and DH and I both have (had) careers in management. My kids are now ages 12 and 14 with the oldest having Dyslexia/ADHD.

1. The early years are physically demanding. You have to just let go of perfectionism. You have to take the one day at a time approach. With 3 kids, you have to realize it would never be easy, even with a nanny! You have to realize this isn't forever - I wouldn't say it gets "easier" but things change. But your attitude of perfectionism will not make it better even when your kids get older. They will end up disappointing you because when you have kids - it's all about uncertainty. How they develop is totally unknown. When my kids were young, I recall a mom with 3 kids coming by - a friend of DH - was totally in awe of our clean uncluttered house. She couldn't believe how nice it looked. Now, it's a damn mess and we have to organize and clean in advance for our weekly cleaning lady - times have changed and I don't care!!

2. You have to organize to be efficient. Set some boundaries with the kids for yourself. Allot a certain number of hours for things like sleep, time alone, etc. You seem to not have any routine. Emergencies like illnesses come up for sure but with PreK and Elementary school and a nanny - at least during the week - you ought to have some structure. With work - you have to realize that your career goals may have to be reconsidered for a time. This is about that age old dilemma of "having it all" - I for one think leaning in Sheryl Sandberg style is 10000% BS. You can have it all but not at once If you are supporting your DH now, you gotta take a chill pill on your career. You cannot work, balance family and stay sane at the same time. It's going to be prioritization on a daily basis for the next 1-2 years for you. Once both your kids are in elementary, it will be much easier.

3. Every mom is in the same exact boat. Unless they have deep family ties and don't work, know that we've all been through this time. I had at one point 2 nannies - a weekend nanny who could offer sitting time if I needed and a nanny share going on for my 2 kids during the week. You just get through it but you do have to set limits and accept that everything is going to be a mess for awhile!

4. And this is the key - it does not get EASIER - it gets different when your kids get older. My kids were much easier when they were under age 10. It wasn't until after 10, we discovered the learning disabilities in the oldest and then comes medication/therapy/school conversations. You think you got it tough now? You have no idea what may or may not develop with your kids (hope they will all be easy but the point is you have no idea how their personalities will evolve) in 3-5 years. Kids change all the time. For me, I chose to take a backseat career wise and no longer manage. I do freelance consulting, working from home. I work projects and I still do OK. I make a good number when I'm working but in between projects, we lose my income. But it balances out. Your kids may end up in sports - good luck on balancing 2 high powered careers if that happens! Carpools are great but you still have to drive your turn. Weekend games may have you driving hours like I do for my kid. Being a parent is a full time job for sure. I don't care what people say - even when they are older - it's still mentally hard. So just pace yourself while your kids are young. I personally don't know how people have more than 2 kids but as you have chosen to have 3 - just know that you may have to focus on them v. your career right now. Most families I know have 1 top earner and if the 2nd parent works, they have great flexibility. I don't know how you can do it otherwise no matter what age!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your nanny doing all they should be doing? They should be doing all kids laundry, they should be letting you come home to a clean house.

You will feel SO much better if you get more sleep. Really invest a couple/few weeks on getting your 9 month old to sleep at least from a midnight dream feed to 6am. Keep in mind they need to get that hind milk when nursing because it has more fat. The hind milk will keep them full longer.

A nanny is only responsible for cleaning the rooms she uses for children. Nannies do not vacuum, clean windows, do any laundry except children's. If you leave dishes from night or weekend cooking/eating/drinking orgies, not the nannies problem. Clean up your own filth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post since these topics are across forums. I'm looking for advice because I am feeling beaten down and exhausted by work, childcare and parental expectations, and marital expectations. My third child is nine months and my older children are early elementary and preschool ages. My husband is amazing and does a lot to help around the house and is a very present parent when he is home. He does not travel but is in the office five days a week and works long days. We have a nanny who provides coverage during the week - she works nine hours a day. As our children age my invisible work continues to increase. Managing kid logistics is tough for me on top of my job because I have ADHD and am a perfectionist when it comes to my kids. I want to get everything right and that can create anxiety which further bogs me down.

I've been back at work for three months since my youngest was born and after a nearly two week work trip where I had both the flu and bacterial mastitis I am trying to catch up on everything and I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. My husband is also exhausted and overwhelmed. This is definitely made worse by the fact that I still nurse my youngest multiple times a night. We have almost no parental help and pay a lot for our incredibly small village. My husband and I make roughly the same amount of money but he has a large team and I am an individual contributor. I am in the succession plan at my company and have been told I am on track for a promotion in the next few years which would come a few years before my boss retires. My husband also seems to be up for a huge promotion next year. If he got that promotion he would make 1.5-2x what he currently makes and what I make. Given this, I'm trying to support him with his career growth while also not messing up my own trajectory. I'm trying to give him as long a rope as I can because I want him to get a promotion and he has supported me a lot in my career over the past few years - it's my turn. It's hard though because I want him to help more with the kid stuff but I feel like he's maxed out. How do people navigate this? I read comments on here that childcare help, yard help, and house cleaning will help in this situation. We do that. We could increase all that incrementally but to me that won't solve for the burnout and exhaustion that we both feel.

Thank you in advance for only providing positive and constructive comments.

Your problems are all created by you! No body or no home is perfect. Both of you work so you should be able to hire someone for the yard work. Take clothes to laundromat that does everything. You chose to have a other kid when the older children were in a in elementary school and you should have known this would present problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your nanny doing all they should be doing? They should be doing all kids laundry, they should be letting you come home to a clean house.

You will feel SO much better if you get more sleep. Really invest a couple/few weeks on getting your 9 month old to sleep at least from a midnight dream feed to 6am. Keep in mind they need to get that hind milk when nursing because it has more fat. The hind milk will keep them full longer.

A nanny is only responsible for cleaning the rooms she uses for children. Nannies do not vacuum, clean windows, do any laundry except children's. If you leave dishes from night or weekend cooking/eating/drinking orgies, not the nannies problem. Clean up your own filth.

Yes, we have a nanny and I am aware of what they do. And the nanny cleans up after feeding the kids lunch and snack and cleans up any/all toys they've played with before we get home. We also have cleaning people twice a week. They vacuum, clean windows, load/unload dishwasher (we almost never leave dishes in the sink though) and wash linens and remake our beds.

[Anonymous]

You’re feeling this way because it isn’t actually possible to have two high powered careers and multiple kids without significant help… like live in family help. Work expects us to act like we have no kids and society expects us to parent like we don’t have a job. There’s a reason one parent used to stay home, before it became difficult to afford a middle class or better lifestyle in one income. It’s darn hard to do it all. I purposely mommy tracked myself and have let my husband climb the career ladder. It does bother me a bit to see others advancing at work, but on a day to day basis I am happy with my choice. I could see myself staying at home if I hadn’t put so much time into my education and if I didn’t truly enjoy my job. I do what needs to get done at work but I do not go above and beyond. When I was climbing the ladder I was stressed out and irritable before even having kids. My husband is stressed a lot. Kids deserve better than two stressed irritable parents. So I made the choice to step back. We are lucky my husband makes good money. Our home isn’t as big as some people we know, and we don’t take as many vacations. But I know it’s better for my kids to have a parent who can pick up the slack when they are home sick or need to be driven to activities or need help with homework. We all have to make choices that work for us. I hope you can find some sort of balance that you are satisfied with.