Navigating Work, Kids, Marriage

[Anonymous]

I simply do not understand how often these posts come up.

Time is finite. Energy is finite. You have three children, two careers that sound fairly demanding, plus you and your husband also have needs outside of work because you are human beings.

You need to make choices, and you need to understand that when you make choices, there is usually a loss as well as a gain. The idea that you are both going to be able to charge hard into these upcoming promotions, AND you are going to hold your kids/parenting to what sound like very high standards, AND you will get your DH doing more at home... it's nuts. That's not going to happen.

This is why people sometimes mommy (or daddy!) track at work. It's why people make some parenting choices for ease instead of perfection (putting all the kids in the okay aftercare program instead of bespoke activities that require a lot more parental effort, accepting that one or more of your kids might be B students because you don't have the time/money/focus to provide tutoring and help any time they don't excel at school, etc.). It's why people do things like move closer to their parents or extended family, move to lower COL areas, and on and on. They don't do these things because they aren't as smart as you, or aren't as good parents, or don't care as much. They do them because when faced with the same logistical challenged you are being faced with, they sucked it up and made the trade off that would make their lives work instead of driving themselves absolutely insane trying to have it all and do it all.

I mean, I can tell from your post that you are a fairly well educated person with probably a decent amount of experience figuring out logistics and making things work, whether in your job or in your personal life. I think you know what the answers are here. But it sounds like you're having a hard time letting go of this image of a perfect family with two adults with amazing careers and three perfect children with no issues whatsoever who do all the things and always look perfect, and a house that's always neat as a pin, and on and on. Well guess what, your life will NEVER look like that. Or if it does, something else will be going wrong under the surface because living to that standard is not human and trying it will make someone (you, your spouse, your kids) crack. You are human. Be human.

[Anonymous]

OP, my kids are now in HS and college, but I remember this phase, especially when you have kids at different life stages (infant + elementary school.) We have no local family (and at the time had terminally ill parents) and both work at nonprofits, so while we threw money at problems where we could, we didn't have unlimited funds. I gave up a lot - my social life, any crazy notion of being involved with my kids' schools, some of my well-being in terms of regular exercise. We also literally never entertain. It's not great. We had flexibility to work from home occasionally even before the pandemic and that was a huge help.

One more positive note perhaps - our careers have flourished, our kids are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted and preparing for successful adult lives, and I'm old enough to find that as good an outcome as I can possibly hope for.

[Anonymous]

I moved out. 50/50 custody is easier for both of us to manage.

[Anonymous]

I left my job. I have ADHD too and there was no way I could do it. Sorry I don't have any magic bullet. There is none. It's life. People shouldn't be stretched thin for years on end. You or your DH need to step back while you have 3 young kids. It's inhumane what we do to ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your nanny doing all they should be doing? They should be doing all kids laundry, they should be letting you come home to a clean house.

You will feel SO much better if you get more sleep. Really invest a couple/few weeks on getting your 9 month old to sleep at least from a midnight dream feed to 6am. Keep in mind they need to get that hind milk when nursing because it has more fat. The hind milk will keep them full longer.

A nanny is only responsible for cleaning the rooms she uses for children. Nannies do not vacuum, clean windows, do any laundry except children's. If you leave dishes from night or weekend cooking/eating/drinking orgies, not the nannies problem. Clean up your own filth.

Yes, we have a nanny and I am aware of what they do. And the nanny cleans up after feeding the kids lunch and snack and cleans up any/all toys they've played with before we get home. We also have cleaning people twice a week. They vacuum, clean windows, load/unload dishwasher (we almost never leave dishes in the sink though) and wash linens and remake our beds.

You have a nanny and cleaning people TWICE A WEEK? Fellow dual working parent household and god I am so jealous, I wish I could afford this. I hope you realize that you have it easier than 98% of parents in this country. You should honestly work on your attitude - feel grateful for all the privileges you have rather than complaining on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved out. 50/50 custody is easier for both of us to manage.

I say this as an under-exaggeration: You are everything that’s wrong with society today. When you’re a parent you do what’s best for your kids. You sound like the most selfish person in the world.

[Anonymous]

OP, life is just going to be very, very hard for the next couple of years. Then the kids will get less physically tiring but you will spend hours every evening and weekend driving them to activities. There really is no rest. At least it sounds like you're making good incomes and they're likely to go up. But the price is constant exhaustion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I simply do not understand how often these posts come up.

Time is finite. Energy is finite. You have three children, two careers that sound fairly demanding, plus you and your husband also have needs outside of work because you are human beings.

You need to make choices, and you need to understand that when you make choices, there is usually a loss as well as a gain. The idea that you are both going to be able to charge hard into these upcoming promotions, AND you are going to hold your kids/parenting to what sound like very high standards, AND you will get your DH doing more at home... it's nuts. That's not going to happen.

This is why people sometimes mommy (or daddy!) track at work. It's why people make some parenting choices for ease instead of perfection (putting all the kids in the okay aftercare program instead of bespoke activities that require a lot more parental effort, accepting that one or more of your kids might be B students because you don't have the time/money/focus to provide tutoring and help any time they don't excel at school, etc.). It's why people do things like move closer to their parents or extended family, move to lower COL areas, and on and on. They don't do these things because they aren't as smart as you, or aren't as good parents, or don't care as much. They do them because when faced with the same logistical challenged you are being faced with, they sucked it up and made the trade off that would make their lives work instead of driving themselves absolutely insane trying to have it all and do it all.

I mean, I can tell from your post that you are a fairly well educated person with probably a decent amount of experience figuring out logistics and making things work, whether in your job or in your personal life. I think you know what the answers are here. But it sounds like you're having a hard time letting go of this image of a perfect family with two adults with amazing careers and three perfect children with no issues whatsoever who do all the things and always look perfect, and a house that's always neat as a pin, and on and on. Well guess what, your life will NEVER look like that. Or if it does, something else will be going wrong under the surface because living to that standard is not human and trying it will make someone (you, your spouse, your kids) crack. You are human. Be human.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

I have the same ages as you. I work part time full telework, 20 hours a week. I don’t think I could manage any other way. I’m sorry op. If you are not too house poor, in your shoes would quit but keep the nanny and look for actual part time work ideally from home, and hope your dh gets the big promotion. We have a modest house in a good school district and will be only able to afford public universities (outside of merit.) But I know it’s the most I can swing without losing my sanity. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out. 50/50 custody is easier for both of us to manage.

I say this as an under-exaggeration: You are everything that’s wrong with society today. When you’re a parent you do what’s best for your kids. You sound like the most selfish person in the world.

I don't know. Would it have been best to grow up in a stressful household? I mean if PP went to these extremes, I imagine it was pretty bad. Is that really better than divorced parents? But I had "stay together for the kids" parents so I'm heavily biased. I would have loved 50/50 split vs the hell I grew up in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your nanny doing all they should be doing? They should be doing all kids laundry, they should be letting you come home to a clean house.

You will feel SO much better if you get more sleep. Really invest a couple/few weeks on getting your 9 month old to sleep at least from a midnight dream feed to 6am. Keep in mind they need to get that hind milk when nursing because it has more fat. The hind milk will keep them full longer.

A nanny is only responsible for cleaning the rooms she uses for children. Nannies do not vacuum, clean windows, do any laundry except children's. If you leave dishes from night or weekend cooking/eating/drinking orgies, not the nannies problem. Clean up your own filth.

Yes, we have a nanny and I am aware of what they do. And the nanny cleans up after feeding the kids lunch and snack and cleans up any/all toys they've played with before we get home. We also have cleaning people twice a week. They vacuum, clean windows, load/unload dishwasher (we almost never leave dishes in the sink though) and wash linens and remake our beds.

Then you have no problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where to post since these topics are across forums. I'm looking for advice because I am feeling beaten down and exhausted by work, childcare and parental expectations, and marital expectations. My third child is nine months and my older children are early elementary and preschool ages. My husband is amazing and does a lot to help around the house and is a very present parent when he is home. He does not travel but is in the office five days a week and works long days. We have a nanny who provides coverage during the week - she works nine hours a day. As our children age my invisible work continues to increase. Managing kid logistics is tough for me on top of my job because I have ADHD and am a perfectionist when it comes to my kids. I want to get everything right and that can create anxiety which further bogs me down.

I've been back at work for three months since my youngest was born and after a nearly two week work trip where I had both the flu and bacterial mastitis I am trying to catch up on everything and I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. My husband is also exhausted and overwhelmed. This is definitely made worse by the fact that I still nurse my youngest multiple times a night. We have almost no parental help and pay a lot for our incredibly small village. My husband and I make roughly the same amount of money but he has a large team and I am an individual contributor. I am in the succession plan at my company and have been told I am on track for a promotion in the next few years which would come a few years before my boss retires. My husband also seems to be up for a huge promotion next year. If he got that promotion he would make 1.5-2x what he currently makes and what I make. Given this, I'm trying to support him with his career growth while also not messing up my own trajectory. I'm trying to give him as long a rope as I can because I want him to get a promotion and he has supported me a lot in my career over the past few years - it's my turn. It's hard though because I want him to help more with the kid stuff but I feel like he's maxed out. How do people navigate this? I read comments on here that childcare help, yard help, and house cleaning will help in this situation. We do that. We could increase all that incrementally but to me that won't solve for the burnout and exhaustion that we both feel.

Thank you in advance for only providing positive and constructive comments.

You aren't going to appreciate my comment but, believe me, I am being constructive. You need a lot of professional help or you are going to ruin your children.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out. 50/50 custody is easier for both of us to manage.

I say this as an under-exaggeration: You are everything that’s wrong with society today. When you’re a parent you do what’s best for your kids. You sound like the most selfish person in the world.

I don't know. Would it have been best to grow up in a stressful household? I mean if PP went to these extremes, I imagine it was pretty bad. Is that really better than divorced parents? But I had "stay together for the kids" parents so I'm heavily biased. I would have loved 50/50 split vs the hell I grew up in.

You’re divorced and feeling personally attacked (you are). This “ohhh idk is it akshually bad for the kids?!” schtick is up. In the year or 2024 there have been thousands of studies, yes broken homes are bad, horrible - as in there are literally very few worse things for children to experience. The likelihood of your children also getting divorced, being addicted to alcohol and/or drugs, and experiencing severe depression are exponentially higher. Like 99/100 school shooters come from broken homes. Parents who divorce or separate for reasons like PP’s - “it’s easier to manage schedules!” should be in jail, your offspring will be the rot of society and it’s truly all your fault.

[Anonymous]

Eh past a certain income level there are major diminishing returns on actual happiness in terms of time spent. Relentlessly grinding out climbing the ladder is a choice that comes with a cost. Have fun being exhausted so you can afford marginally fancier things than you would otherwise own I guess.