Navigating Work, Kids, Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh past a certain income level there are major diminishing returns on actual happiness in terms of time spent. Relentlessly grinding out climbing the ladder is a choice that comes with a cost. Have fun being exhausted so you can afford marginally fancier things than you would otherwise own I guess.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh past a certain income level there are major diminishing returns on actual happiness in terms of time spent. Relentlessly grinding out climbing the ladder is a choice that comes with a cost. Have fun being exhausted so you can afford marginally fancier things than you would otherwise own I guess.

This is where my DH and I both landed. For us it helps that neither of us is enormously passionate about our work (we both have hobbies/interests outside our work we are passionate about, and we are really into parenting, but work is work). We make choices that allow us to work less (in my case -- I work 20-30 hours a week in a flexible contract position with a company I used to be full time with, where I'm an SME with no career trajectory past my current role) or to take on less responsibility (DH turned down a major promotion last year, recognizing the responsibility level would be too intense for his personality, and is now in a kind of 5 year plan to retire early from this career and shift to a different career altogether for better quality of life). To facilitate this, we have made lifestyle choices that make it possible for us to cap our income at lower than you might expect for our education level and background, including living in a lower COL area and intentionally choosing a smaller fixer-upper when we technically could have afforded a larger updated house (which actually has turned out to be a great financial choice because our super low mortgage has enabled us to make good quality upgrades, and our home value has skyrocketed even though we bought for literally 50-60% of our neighbors who bought around the same time because we bought the smaller house with the old kitchen that was sitting on the market forever because the sellers didn't stage it and the house needed work).

Anyway, point is -- we are happy, our kids our happy. No one says on their death bed "I wish I'd spent more time at the office" and in the long run, I truly believe your kids would rather have your time than a bigger inheritance or even being full pay at an expensive private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I simply do not understand how often these posts come up.

Time is finite. Energy is finite. You have three children, two careers that sound fairly demanding, plus you and your husband also have needs outside of work because you are human beings.

You need to make choices, and you need to understand that when you make choices, there is usually a loss as well as a gain. The idea that you are both going to be able to charge hard into these upcoming promotions, AND you are going to hold your kids/parenting to what sound like very high standards, AND you will get your DH doing more at home... it's nuts. That's not going to happen.

This is why people sometimes mommy (or daddy!) track at work. It's why people make some parenting choices for ease instead of perfection (putting all the kids in the okay aftercare program instead of bespoke activities that require a lot more parental effort, accepting that one or more of your kids might be B students because you don't have the time/money/focus to provide tutoring and help any time they don't excel at school, etc.). It's why people do things like move closer to their parents or extended family, move to lower COL areas, and on and on. They don't do these things because they aren't as smart as you, or aren't as good parents, or don't care as much. They do them because when faced with the same logistical challenged you are being faced with, they sucked it up and made the trade off that would make their lives work instead of driving themselves absolutely insane trying to have it all and do it all.

I mean, I can tell from your post that you are a fairly well educated person with probably a decent amount of experience figuring out logistics and making things work, whether in your job or in your personal life. I think you know what the answers are here. But it sounds like you're having a hard time letting go of this image of a perfect family with two adults with amazing careers and three perfect children with no issues whatsoever who do all the things and always look perfect, and a house that's always neat as a pin, and on and on. Well guess what, your life will NEVER look like that. Or if it does, something else will be going wrong under the surface because living to that standard is not human and trying it will make someone (you, your spouse, your kids) crack. You are human. Be human.

+10000

[Anonymous]

I also have three (with two older and a baby who just turned one) and a husband who splits duties pretty evenly.

I think just accepting that this is a busy and overwhelming time of life might make it feel less so.

Accepting some level of mess and disorganization also helps (and I am a total neat freak so this is hard for me).

Definitely letting go of perfectionistic tendencies.

Simplifying plans, meals, expectations, upkeep on stuff, batching things like errands and doctors appointments is key.

Finally, get away once in a while, either just you and your husband, you and a friend, or just you! I had a weekend away with a girlfriend last fall, planning another one away with a girlfriend late this summer, and with in-laws help will be able to go away next fall with DH. Having these times of peace and quiet are great to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should work on not being a perfectionist. 80/20 really is the way.

What is 80/20?

Pareto principle: https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/80-20-rule-explained. Focus on the tasks that make the biggest impact, and let the minutiae go by the wayside. And let yourself do it without guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should work on not being a perfectionist. 80/20 really is the way.

What is 80/20?

20% of the work creates 80% of the results. Focus on the really important 20%. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

I’m a perfectionist in a lot of ways too but I have to reset my mindset to align with my priorities every single day. The only thing that is actually worth relentlessly going after perfection is in my relationships. I do not prioritize being a perfect parent or presenting that image. I prioritize making sure my kids know they are loved and have a foundation from me as their parent who is instilling them with what I value most. When I’m stressed and start yelling and damaging that relationship something has to change. I have cut back at work and I try to put boundaries in place for the other reoccurring time sucks and limit activities but occasionally I hit a period where I realize something has to change. I am in one now. I don’t know if that’s helpful to you but my husband tends to allow himself more general perfectionist tendencies and I think he ends up spending time on things that are not actually that important, even to him. So my advice is simplify, reevaluate, simplify or change again and again as needed.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We are also two working parents to three kids (now almost 5, 7, and 10). Three kids is just hard. It is definitely easier now, but something has to give here and there. My husband and I are super high energy and I think that helps, but even now there is very little down time.

My biggest piece of advice for your current stage — SLEEP TRAIN asap. If you can’t do it yourself hire someone to. There is no reason a baby that age should not be sleeping 10+ hours a night straight. That will certainly help your mental health. Next piece is to prioritize and let some things go, your kids will not remember whether all the laundry was done or things were tidy every night, but they will remember you reading to them etc.

Life with three is not for most people it’s hard!!

[Anonymous]

It’s always the 3-kid people who say this. It’s why I didn’t have three kids. My two are in MS/HS now and I still don’t see where they extra bandwidth for a third world come from without shortchanging someone.

[Anonymous]

I have two and am contemplating a third, but I felt this way when my second was around a year old.

It gets easier in a sense when your youngest hits two years old and can play a bit more independently- giving you some space to get things done while simultaneously supervising them.

That said, you have another year ahead of the really really hard phase. There’s only one of you so the answer is just acknowledging what you can let go of to make time for the things that matter. More takeout dinners for a year? A babysitter for a few hours on the weekend so you can workout or run some errands? Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two and am contemplating a third, but I felt this way when my second was around a year old.

It gets easier in a sense when your youngest hits two years old and can play a bit more independently- giving you some space to get things done while simultaneously supervising them.

That said, you have another year ahead of the really really hard phase. There’s only one of you so the answer is just acknowledging what you can let go of to make time for the things that matter. More takeout dinners for a year? A babysitter for a few hours on the weekend so you can workout or run some errands? Etc.

Do you want your kids to do extra curriculars? It doesn’t really get that much easier honestly. When my kids were small they were asleep at 7pm.

[Anonymous]

1. You absolutely need to sleep train the baby. Broken sleep for months on end is the source of 80% of your overwhelm. You literally don’t need to clean the house, only tidy.

2. Let go of perfectionism. Once you’ve sleep trained your youngest, get a therapist for yourself. A good one. Do you want your kids to dwell like this when their parents? You’re modeling this mindset. Get the help you need to model the life you want your kids to have.

3. Consider mommy tracking. It made a huge difference for our family.

4. Are the kids doing chores? Once you are able to catch a breath, list out what goes into maintaining a house. Look at what the kids can do. It’s not easier *now*, but it is an investment in the future. It’s okay to wait on this step until you have more breathing space.

For example, my first grader did his laundry without being told for the first time on Saturday. It took 6 months of weekly coaching to get there. It was a time investment for sure, but now kid laundry is 50% of my plate. Maybe start with setting the table. We put one set of plates in a lower cabinet so our 4yo can set the table. All toys and kid rooms must be picked up every day before TV time. (We only let them watch TV while we cook dinner.) Again, take care of yourself first ( sleep training, therapy, and mommy track). Then work on getting more help from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the 3-kid people who say this. It’s why I didn’t have three kids. My two are in MS/HS now and I still don’t see where they extra bandwidth for a third world come from without shortchanging someone.

I have three and I’m not overwhelmed, but I’m a SAHM. I would never have had three kids in OP’s position. Like PP said, things like time and energy are finite and past a certain income level, pursuing a dual income set up with this number of kids is just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and ADHD often go together. In addition to all the advice here, make sure you are properly medicated. A flare up of your perfectionist tendencies could indicate that you need something like Zoloft. Also, be aware that having a parent with ADHD significantly increases the odds that your children will inherit ADHD. Be prepared, because come the preteen years, treating a child with ADHD and providing the scaffolding needed for his or her success can be time consuming and emotionally intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two and am contemplating a third, but I felt this way when my second was around a year old.

It gets easier in a sense when your youngest hits two years old and can play a bit more independently- giving you some space to get things done while simultaneously supervising them.

That said, you have another year ahead of the really really hard phase. There’s only one of you so the answer is just acknowledging what you can let go of to make time for the things that matter. More takeout dinners for a year? A babysitter for a few hours on the weekend so you can workout or run some errands? Etc.

Do you want your kids to do extra curriculars? It doesn’t really get that much easier honestly. When my kids were small they were asleep at 7pm.

Agree. It’s doesn’t get easier - the needs just change over time.