Realistic divorce expectations

[Anonymous]

My marriage is dead. I can’t stand my DH, he’s drunk and childish most of the time. Controlling and manipulative. Therapy has helped me see and understand it. Did an okay job of pretending for years because we have three small kids but now I can’t even pretend to care. About his dysfunctional family. About his health issues. His liver. I don’t care. At all. It’s been exhausting for years and when you get to the DGAF point, it’s a load off for sure. But it’s now also impossible to pretend.

But we’ve got kids. I’m a SAHM. Living without a shred of emotional satisfaction is taking its toll. Seems like I’d be a better person, mother etc if I had an opportunity to just start over. Maybe find love in my 40s.

Is that even possible at my age and with kids in tow? How horrible will divorce be? Married 15 years.

Please be kind in your responses. Some days I wish I didn’t wake up. I’ve forgotten totally what it feels like to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a full time job so you can count on yourself to support yourself. A drunk with health issues shouldn't be counted on to support anyone. So worry about love later. Now is the time to be practical. Get a job, build savings, get divorced.

[Anonymous]

What would your financial / career plan be, OP? I don't know how someone without a job can even contemplate divorce. It seems like skipping a lot of important steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a full time job so you can count on yourself to support yourself. A drunk with health issues shouldn't be counted on to support anyone. So worry about love later. Now is the time to be practical. Get a job, build savings, get divorced.

Please do this for yourself- both for your sense of self and your further. Since you haven’t worked in a while it might take some time to build your salary up so it’s important to start soon. I promise that having a job will also restore your confidence in yourself.

I’m not in a super lucrative field but I went back full time after 10 years off, in 2018 at 85k and I’m at 160k now. It’s great to feel valued for something other than being a mom and you will eventually be able to support yourself.

[Anonymous]

A SAHM with 3 kids who I imagine you'll have custody over since dad is a drunk is not going to find a great guy quickly and easily. And a new relationship shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be on stability, which means getting a job.

[Anonymous]

You should not frame your post-divorce life as what like would be like if you were with a different/better man in a loving relationship. You should frame it as your life alone without your current DH. Is it worth it to you? I am not trying to be unkind. I would say the same to someone who wanted to quit their job without having another one lined up. I would not assume you'll find a better job. I would imagine myself as single. The question is, is life with DH so bad that it would be worth being alone? For many women that is absolutely true. Finding a loving relationship is icing on the cake that you can't assume will happen.

Think about your life without him. Would it be more peaceful? How would you handle working and taking care of the kids? What kind of work would you do? Could you handle full custody if he doesn't fight for it? What about 50/50? What would you do with your evenings (realistically - taking into account child and job responsibilities). How would it be better and worse than what you have now? You deserve peace and to enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

I would definitely see a lawyer. That income charges everything. That could support alimony and education for you to train for a new job. It also makes it unlikely that he would fight for a lot of custody. It might be better for you not to have a job when you file. Consult some lawyers and find one who makes you comfortable.

I know that sense of peace and it is worth everything.

[Anonymous]

So…this really is a money problem?

[Anonymous]

Get a job, make a plan and move out.

[Anonymous]

OP- start making plans. You will need to be strategic about it. Look for an attorney, meet with a few and lay down your situation. A good one will advise and be very honest about your prospect. Stay away from any that make huge unrealistic promises. Familiarize yourself with his financial situation ( bank accounts, pension plans, investements...) It's
better to have that before you file than have to pay a forensic accountant later.
Did you work before you became a mom? If yes, reach out to former bosses or colleagues and see if you can get back on the job market; even if it does not help financially at first, it will be good for you emotionally to get some sort of control over your own finances. Even if you don't have alimony forever, that combine with child support and him being responsible for health insurance, school fees... will allow you to get back on your feet the first few years after the divorce.
Your children need and deserve a mom who is happy, and right now they don't have that. And please, when you decide to divorce, take time to build a life for yourself and your children only and do not rush to bring somebody else in. You might find that you like that better.
Sending you love and light.

[Anonymous]

Have considered issuing him an ultimatum to go to AA / quit drinking?

[Anonymous]

Making sure you have access to some of your own money. Part-time job or just taking X amount from groceries each week. Even if you don’t leave this is still really important.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for this safe advice and input. I have tried for years. It’s taken a long time and a lot of therapy to get to this point.