Realistic divorce expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

You still need a job—you can’t count on a drunk to keep his job and pay alimony.

Also—if he gets partial custody, are your kids going to be safe alone with him? If part of your reason for leaving is him yelling and picking on the kids, realize that won’t change, the only difference is that you won’t be there to protect them when he does it.

You need to stop romanticizing your love life and get real about what you’re going to do to keep your kids safe and cared for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. I had started to go down the path your husband has gone down and it wasn't until deciding I didn't want to lose everything, to go to AA. Only after being sober was I able to tackle my other flaws as a person and save my marriage. If he's not willing to give up drinking to save his family, then he's going to hit some other kind of bottom. Ratting him out for DUI might do that for him, as much as it would suck right now, it's better than many alternatives. I would not allow your children to stay with him as a drunk. This is a condition that gets worse, not better.

He will go for 50/50 just to screw with you, you should expect that.

He drives drunk? Is he going to do that with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Your standard of living will be cutby 40-60%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t want 50/50 custody. With work and his social schedule he’ll likely ask for a 70/30. No need to keep kids from their father. Even if he’s an alcoholic, he usually waits for the binge after they are in bed. And they are old enough to call me if something goes wrong. There is alcoholic abuse that’s been documented in my therapy records. But I have yet to call the police. My therapist suggested calling 911 the next time he’s drinking and driving. I haven’t had the stomach to do that to the father of my children. I don’t love him but I also don’t hate him.

Uh, ok. Then do it for my kids. Or your neighbor's kids. Or anyone of this thread or on the roads. If he is drinking and driving you need to address it. Pick a very trusted friend who can call it in. Tell them ahead of time what his plate is and when you give them the go-ahead they make the call anonymously, or ask another friend to. Please do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t want 50/50 custody. With work and his social schedule he’ll likely ask for a 70/30. No need to keep kids from their father. Even if he’s an alcoholic, he usually waits for the binge after they are in bed. And they are old enough to call me if something goes wrong. There is alcoholic abuse that’s been documented in my therapy records. But I have yet to call the police. My therapist suggested calling 911 the next time he’s drinking and driving. I haven’t had the stomach to do that to the father of my children. I don’t love him but I also don’t hate him.

Uh, ok. Then do it for my kids. Or your neighbor's kids. Or anyone of this thread or on the roads. If he is drinking and driving you need to address it. Pick a very trusted friend who can call it in. Tell them ahead of time what his plate is and when you give them the go-ahead they make the call anonymously, or ask another friend to. Please do this.

You think the police are going to put out an APB on a license plate because someone says the driver is drunk?

[Anonymous]

You are going to get 50/50 unless he doesn't want 50/50. You are probably going to get some alimony for 7-8 years. You will get child support. There are generally online calculators (depending on state) for what child support will be.

But your claims that your husband is a drunk won't go anywhere in court if he hasn't had legal issues associated with the drinking. If he's never had a DUI, public drunkenness, whatever that involves some paper trail, then it's just your word against his.

The best you can do for your children is to teach them resilience. They will be with him 50% of the time until they can make their own decisions. You might also want to attend Al Anon.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. Also with a drunk with terrible mood swings. I can't believe I am with this person now. I don't recognize him at all. He ruined his life with drinking and addictions. I am tired of being his figurative punching bag.

I realize as well I need to start taking steps to live on my own. It is scary but make sure to have good support with therapy and friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to get 50/50 unless he doesn't want 50/50. You are probably going to get some alimony for 7-8 years. You will get child support. There are generally online calculators (depending on state) for what child support will be.

But your claims that your husband is a drunk won't go anywhere in court if he hasn't had legal issues associated with the drinking. If he's never had a DUI, public drunkenness, whatever that involves some paper trail, then it's just your word against his.

The best you can do for your children is to teach them resilience. They will be with him 50% of the time until they can make their own decisions. You might also want to attend Al Anon.

Correct. Many judges and lawyers are also drunks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

I’m considering divorce and the lawyer I consulted with told me to drain all the accounts I can. And he said any lawyer worth their salt would advise me to do the same .

Correct

You’re not hiding money. It’s still joint money. You’ll report the figure in the 50/50 sheet. It’s just in an account with only your name on it so he doesn’t deplete everything and move everything away before divorce is announced and all liquid and illiquid assets are frozen. And he continues to generate weekly paychecks and bonuses and she doesn’t

Financial abuse can take place before, during and after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

I’m considering divorce and the lawyer I consulted with told me to drain all the accounts I can. And he said any lawyer worth their salt would advise me to do the same .

This is some straight gibberish. What kind of walmart attorney would recommend this nonsense. What does this even mean "drain the accounts," like drain them where?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start tucking money away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Do you think his job created the problem? Could he improve if he took a pay cut and a less stressful job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t want 50/50 custody. With work and his social schedule he’ll likely ask for a 70/30. No need to keep kids from their father. Even if he’s an alcoholic, he usually waits for the binge after they are in bed. And they are old enough to call me if something goes wrong. There is alcoholic abuse that’s been documented in my therapy records. But I have yet to call the police. My therapist suggested calling 911 the next time he’s drinking and driving. I haven’t had the stomach to do that to the father of my children. I don’t love him but I also don’t hate him.

please consult a lawyer who has experience with addiction. If in MD try Meg McKinney or AnneMarie Jackson. You may not have the leverage I did at the time but under the terms of our divorce my ex consented to an intoxilock in his car and no driving with the kids in any other car until he was sober for 5 consecutive years. Like you I waited until my kids were old enough to not stick a fork in an electric socket if he was passed out on the couch. Life is so much better now and because of the terms of our divorce (which require abstinence for him to see the kids - I have 60/40 but he has to take breathalyzers) I think he is doing better too. I dont want my kids to watch their dad die of alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t want 50/50 custody. With work and his social schedule he’ll likely ask for a 70/30. No need to keep kids from their father. Even if he’s an alcoholic, he usually waits for the binge after they are in bed. And they are old enough to call me if something goes wrong. There is alcoholic abuse that’s been documented in my therapy records. But I have yet to call the police. My therapist suggested calling 911 the next time he’s drinking and driving. I haven’t had the stomach to do that to the father of my children. I don’t love him but I also don’t hate him.

How about you please, for the rest of us, call the cops the next time you know he’s driving drunk.