Realistic divorce expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM with 3 kids who I imagine you'll have custody over since dad is a drunk is not going to find a great guy quickly and easily. And a new relationship shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be on stability, which means getting a job.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is dead. I can’t stand my DH, he’s drunk and childish most of the time. Controlling and manipulative. Therapy has helped me see and understand it. Did an okay job of pretending for years because we have three small kids but now I can’t even pretend to care. About his dysfunctional family. About his health issues. His liver. I don’t care. At all. It’s been exhausting for years and when you get to the DGAF point, it’s a load off for sure. But it’s now also impossible to pretend.

But we’ve got kids. I’m a SAHM. Living without a shred of emotional satisfaction is taking its toll. Seems like I’d be a better person, mother etc if I had an opportunity to just start over. Maybe find love in my 40s.

Is that even possible at my age and with kids in tow? How horrible will divorce be? Married 15 years.

Please be kind in your responses. Some days I wish I didn’t wake up. I’ve forgotten totally what it feels like to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Build a loving relationship with yourself. Before you even daydream about a new partner, you need to heal and rebuild. Get real honest with yourself about why you chose your spouse, and where you screwed up. Yes, he's a drunk and childish and blah, blah, blah, but you've tolerated that mess for howeverlong because of your own character defaults and unresolved issues. If you don't do the work to figure out why, you're highly susceptible to a new partner dynamic that has the same mess as the one you're leaving.

Plan on spending several years alone, not dating, just rebuilding yourself, your self-esteem, your finances, and your mental health. Go to Al-Anon and address your relationship to alcohol/alcoholics. Get a therapist and work through your own stuff (we all have some). It will be the best investment you've ever made!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

[Anonymous]

It’s concerning you are even interested in a new guy!

I wouldn’t be surprised if your marriage improved if you found a job and an escape from family life. You’re likely overly focused on DH because you don’t have an identity outside of your marriage and family.

Be very careful leaving a beautiful home and dealing with 50/50 custody with three kids. Not to mention returning to work at some point as a single mom. The fact you even are talking about another guy shows you are in a bit of denial about what you’d be facing. In my opinion, way easier to find and start a job and get a break from your DH. With that income you can hire help and have plenty of time away from him.

There’s also the chance you’re a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A SAHM with 3 kids who I imagine you'll have custody over since dad is a drunk is not going to find a great guy quickly and easily. And a new relationship shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be on stability, which means getting a job.

Dad is a high earning drunk who likely is an outstanding citizen according to the courts. Custody isn’t refused for a dad because mom says he drinks a lot. There typically needs to be documented abuse, police calls, criminal record etc. See a lawyer.

DH will likely get 50/50 custody. DW will eventually be expected to find a job.

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of obvious you need a job and not a divorce but you are unlikely to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Baby steps. Start by getting a job - literally any job. Retain a lawyer. Get your financial house in order. Be gradual and intentional. You will get there.

It is never, ever, ever too late.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t Jeff just create a new section just about divorce and its expectations. After awhile this subject becomes tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

I’m considering divorce and the lawyer I consulted with told me to drain all the accounts I can. And he said any lawyer worth their salt would advise me to do the same .

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t thinking about a new guy so much as realizing that living in an emotionally barren wasteland is not going to be a long term solution. That kind of emptiness has taken its toll. I’m not as loving and attentive as a mother with this all going on in my head. It does give me hope to tho k maybe at some point I’d be able to raise children alongside a loving, caring, emotionally mature partner.

The next few years will no doubt be horrible but not worse than hearing the out of another drink and the stomping around with a hangover every morning. I do Al Anon. My mother is a narcissist and I’m a codependent.

Honestly, being romantically alone is probably what’s best for me. It’s hard to consider deserving love, let alone being at all desirable with this mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

I’m considering divorce and the lawyer I consulted with told me to drain all the accounts I can. And he said any lawyer worth their salt would advise me to do the same .

Why is this? Drain account how… buy new cars etc?

[Anonymous]

He won’t want 50/50 custody. With work and his social schedule he’ll likely ask for a 70/30. No need to keep kids from their father. Even if he’s an alcoholic, he usually waits for the binge after they are in bed. And they are old enough to call me if something goes wrong. There is alcoholic abuse that’s been documented in my therapy records. But I have yet to call the police. My therapist suggested calling 911 the next time he’s drinking and driving. I haven’t had the stomach to do that to the father of my children. I don’t love him but I also don’t hate him.

[Anonymous]

Oh well. I had started to go down the path your husband has gone down and it wasn't until deciding I didn't want to lose everything, to go to AA. Only after being sober was I able to tackle my other flaws as a person and save my marriage. If he's not willing to give up drinking to save his family, then he's going to hit some other kind of bottom. Ratting him out for DUI might do that for him, as much as it would suck right now, it's better than many alternatives. I would not allow your children to stay with him as a drunk. This is a condition that gets worse, not better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for responding. When he travels for work there is a noticeable peace that befalls the entire house. The kids are happier. The morning routine is easier. The moment he walks in the door he creates problems, yells, picks on the kids and me. Yes I believe my life would be better alone that with him. He is a high earner, over 1m a year. Though I don’t expect alimony forever, I assume we’d be ok financially even if not where we are now.

No amount of wealth and privilege is worth living like this.

Start own hidden savings account you need at least $150k to fight for full custody and alimony. You can get a lot of alimony given his income but you need a good attorney . Before then, keep quiet

This is bad advice. Don’t hide money. I agree with other PPs, get a job and start earning your own money.

I’m considering divorce and the lawyer I consulted with told me to drain all the accounts I can. And he said any lawyer worth their salt would advise me to do the same .

That’s like starting a diplomatic negotiation with a nuclear missile. Best way to lose your divorce and enrich you scumbag lawyers.

Never never take more than half, and never do this until you are prepared to file and move you and have a source of income and somewhere to go and a plan for survival. You have none of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get a full time job so you can count on yourself to support yourself. A drunk with health issues shouldn't be counted on to support anyone. So worry about love later. Now is the time to be practical. Get a job, build savings, get divorced.

Please do this for yourself- both for your sense of self and your further. Since you haven’t worked in a while it might take some time to build your salary up so it’s important to start soon. I promise that having a job will also restore your confidence in yourself.

I’m not in a super lucrative field but I went back full time after 10 years off, in 2018 at 85k and I’m at 160k now. It’s great to feel valued for something other than being a mom and you will eventually be able to support yourself.

You are extremely lucky, this is definitely not a standard for any field. What do you do? I'm at 65K still 3 years post going full time