DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that

[Anonymous]

My DS is only 5 but in the last few months has become increasingly violent, primarily towards me but also sometimes towards DH and our other DC.

He’s in behavioral therapy, DH and I are taking parenting classes, we are doing ABA. He has a psychiatrist and many other doctors.

I’m just struggling to fully disclose how bad it is to our doctors and care team. Because it makes me feel like I am betraying DS and because I worry they will see him as a bad child.

He truly isn’t. He is incredibly sweet and sensitive and affectionate and kind towards others. But something about being around me just causes these extreme behaviors. We are still working to figure it out and how to handle it (hence the intensive training and therapy, including PCIT).

It’s really hard, he has really hurt me quite badly (which is surprising since he’s so much smaller than I am) quite a few times. I’ve had to go to the ER for it.

I just shared with my own personal therapist about the violence and she seemed really alarmed and now I feel ashamed and regretful.

Has anyone else experienced this? I think I’m scared that I look very incompetent.

Also, PLEASE, I am asking so nicely if we can just talk about what I’m asking to talk about. I will delete the thread if this is not respected. I’m not here to share my child’s diagnosis and every type of doctor and therapy we’ve tried and I’m not looking for suggestions of other doctors to see (I promise you, we have seen them all). Just asking if others have felt this way about disclosing violence.

[Anonymous]

I understand your feelings. I have a child who can be violent, and there is a need to hide to protect them.

But your child is 5. It will only get worse. You will eventually be forced to accept that if you don't disclose and deal with this now, it will only mushroom.

Is your child on medication? Violence is a valid reason to adjust medications.

And don't worry, the ER has seen all this and worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, posting with a huge hug and nothing but love for you:

You must be completely honest with all of your providers if you want to have the best chance of helping your son.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you already know that telling is important so your kid can get the help he needs before the consequences are even more serious for you or him (or others like classmates or teachers). I hope that when you disclose it's seen as evidence of how bad he feels, not how bad he is. I hope you are able to make a safety plan, including safe restraint if needed and a safe place for your other child to be. Have you considered cameras in your house to protect you in the event of a child abuse report?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP - this really sucks but you sound like you are doing your best. For your child's future you have to tell his providers the extent of his behavior

[Anonymous]

Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.

It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you already know that telling is important so your kid can get the help he needs before the consequences are even more serious for you or him (or others like classmates or teachers). I hope that when you disclose it's seen as evidence of how bad he feels, not how bad he is. I hope you are able to make a safety plan, including safe restraint if needed and a safe place for your other child to be. Have you considered cameras in your house to protect you in the event of a child abuse report?

Op here. Yes we have cameras.

I like the language you used. He’s feeling bad, it’s not that he IS bad.

I swear he really is sweet and loving and kind. His teachers rave about him and how he is so gentle with younger kids at school. He has trouble with impulse control and regulation.

[Anonymous]

I'm a BCBA who has worked with young children and their families and some of the children were violent toward family members. OP, please let your child's providers know what's happening. Your child needs and deserves treatment and you and the rest of your family need and deserve to be safe.
I would also suggest seeking out a support group for parents if you aren't in one already. Your situation is far from unique and you may find it helpful to connect with other parents who are living similar lives.

[Anonymous]

is it reactive attachment disorder? I wish you the very best.

[Anonymous]

My situation is different I think but my child hurt me quite badly and very much intentionally when they were 3. We had some significant intentional harm during very bad dysregulation early in the pandemic. Just very sorry. Please disclose. I am thinking good thoughts for your family.

[Anonymous]

Sending you hugs. This is a tough situation.

Just remember, by "protecting" one child, you are putting the other at risk. And lying to his doctors and care team is in no way actually protecting him, but you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.

It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.

I just want to give you a big hug. You realize he is doing this only to you because you are his safest person, right? He is probably expending enormous energy at school masking and behaving appropriately and when he gets out of that environment he just can't keep it together anymore and he knows with you he can just let ho and you won't hurt him and you will still love him.

I would want someone to review his school environment and what kind of instruction and accommodation his is getting there so he doesn't have to hold it together so hard there.

This is also not because you are a "bad parent" or somehow doing something that makes him do this. I am sure you are doing given what you know about his diagnosis and what you've learned about how to handle it. Our kids do not come with operating instructions (particularly SN kids.). Yes, you may need more help to strategize about parenting, but needing that help does not make you a bad parent nor does it make your kid a bad kid.

I second the PP above that a high level of violence should prompt a serious look at med adjustment. You also have to tell the truth about his behavior - when you don't you are not helping him. You absolutely can give context - he is great in X situation but violent in Y situation.

Finally, if his ASD diagnosis comes along with a mental health diagnosis like anxiety, ADHD or depression, please take the NAMI Basics class.

My DC was not violent until HS and even then it was not extreme but he was big then so it was scary and heartbreaking. Meds (SSRI) helped, but I was heartbroken because he always seemed so angry at me. 5 years later we have a good relationship and he recognizes I did things that he may not have liked but were absolutely in his best interest. It will be a bumpy road, but just keep trying - that, IMO, is what your kid needs the most - to see that you will keep trying to connect with him and keep trying to help him (even if it means sometimes he doesn't like it) and will always love him.

[Anonymous]

OP in order for your child who clearly you love deeply to get better you need to be honest.

First and foremost you are a mother to more than one child. You must protect that other child over the one that hurts them.

Now he is hurting family how will you feel if he hurts someone else will you hide it?

Please be honest because you are hurting him by not being that.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are some diagnoses that are not uncommonly associated with violence/aggression, towards a parent or siblings or others or all.

Our DS used to be aggressive towards us, his parents. He no longer is but still is towards his sibling.

You could look for an online support group who may have helpful strategies for you. Or just support.

[Anonymous]

Not quite the same, but my now ten year old used to hurt herself when she was frustrated (age 5). It was escalating. I had to hold her down so she did not hurt herself really badly. She was five at the time. She would also throw heavy things at me - rocks, toys, etc - and try to hurt me. She wasn’t very good at it but could have hurt me quite badly if she had hit me.

I had shame about holding my child down. I had to hold her quite firmly and I was worried sometimes I would leave a mark and she would say something and they would take her away.

I also felt shame about the rock/heavy stuff throwing. I was scared to make my child angry in the car and made sure I took away anything she could use as a weapon.

It was only getting worse, and I really was scared that I was making things worse by holding her down (which felt violent because she fought restraint so viciously and for a long time). So I finally told her therapist (who was helping us with parenting). The therapist didn’t seem alarmed but recommended we make a padded room to put her in. That was not realistic, but I did feel better once I told her - it helped that she seemed to take it in stride.

I have never told anyone else about my DD and holding her down. It’s like this ugly secret in our family. Hopefully our other kids are too young to remember, and I feel too much shame (for my DD and for myself) to say anything to my parents or siblings or close friends.

Wishing you the best, OP. My child did stop, although they still hit themselves (now DD is 10) when very frustrated. But mostly I look at DD and can’t believe it was ever as bad as it was. Hopefully that was a low point for us.