DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that

[Anonymous]

Also sending hugs your way. You aren't alone. At 4-5 we experienced a lot of the violence you describe and it was heartbreaking. And so hard to know what to do. I agree that you can and should be honest. I also happen to be a professional in the mental health field (and then dealt with it in my own personal life) and I was never worried that anyone would take my child away or anything like that, if that helps. I worked with many families in the past whose children can be aggressive in times of great dysregulation and that has never been on the table except in EXTREME circumstances when the parent is asking for removal/separation, if that makes sense.

For my child, ADHD medication made a big difference. Also time and age. My son can now control his impulses much better most of the time with some motivating factors (like if he is working towards earning something). At age 6 things are MUCH MUCH better. In fact your post brought me back to how bad some moments really were, and reminded me we really aren't there anymore. I hope the same is true for you.

You aren't alone, and if your personal therapist was surprised I would suspect it is solely because she is an adult therapist and maybe doesn't have experience with kids who are really struggling. I would be surprised if his ABA and other support staff are surprised. They will understand and support you.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. You MUST prioritize your own safety. Your child can kill you. This is not a truth we want to hear as parents, but you have to start now to protect yourself, not when it's too late.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.

I hope that I can be somewhat reassuring. If your therapist appeared to react strongly, it was likely out of concern for you. Your therapist may have treated others who were in denial or prone to minimizing. Even if that’s not your issue, it may be the therapist’s concern. They may also just be feeling empathetic toward you: If anyone I know lands in the emergency department for any reason, I feel badly for that person.

Your service providers are not looking to remove your child from your care. They see all that you are investing into making things better and that you aren’t being neglectful. These providers also know disabilities well. They understand that the motivation for behaviors has nothing to do with morality or with anyone being inherently “bad.”

I hope that you will get to a place where being fully truthful feels comfortable. Truly, that’s how your family’s providers will be best able to assist.

[Anonymous]

If you literally can’t get the words out, write them down and slide the paper to the providers. It can get over the initial hurdle of speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP.

I hope that I can be somewhat reassuring. If your therapist appeared to react strongly, it was likely out of concern for you. Your therapist may have treated others who were in denial or prone to minimizing. Even if that’s not your issue, it may be the therapist’s concern. They may also just be feeling empathetic toward you: If anyone I know lands in the emergency department for any reason, I feel badly for that person.

Your service providers are not looking to remove your child from your care. They see all that you are investing into making things better and that you aren’t being neglectful. These providers also know disabilities well. They understand that the motivation for behaviors has nothing to do with morality or with anyone being inherently “bad.”

I hope that you will get to a place where being fully truthful feels comfortable. Truly, that’s how your family’s providers will be best able to assist.

No, I agree with a PP about the adult therapist likely not understanding the context. OP could ask her therapist about the reaction and tell them how it made her feel. It was a pretty inappropriate reaction IMO. But there’s a lot of therapists with poor boundaries out there. Agree also with other PPs that therapists/teachers who are fully trained and good will never ever shame the child or parent about externalizing behaviors. OP should only feel supported by them.

[Anonymous]

OP, big hugs to you. I can see how hard this must be. I hope you will find the words to tell his care team. That is not a betrayal - it is the only way to get him the help he needs. That is the hard step you need to get ready to take becuase you love him and care so deeply to get him help. It is a reframing that you can work on in therapy. Try to be gentle with yourself through this.

[Anonymous]

Be honest and work with therapists for safety plans. We had to temporarily relocate our pets to a family member's home because DS was being so volaitile. Turned out to anxeity and adhd. Much better now with meds and therapy. Pets reuinited.

Look into TBRI therapy also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.

It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.

I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?

I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.

I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.

Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.

It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.

Op here. It probably is my fault. I was following the gentle parenting/Dr. Becky/Angela Lansbury stuff long after I should have stopped. All of that stuff worked well on our firstborn who is NT. I didn’t know any other way with DS. Now with all the training I’m getting in ABA and the parenting classes, I’m seeing how physical guidance is a hugely effective and necessary tool. I really bought too much into the concept of bodily autonomy in children (I’m a SA survivor myself). I wish I’d understood the ABA frameworks sooner and learned how to be more of an enforcer. I was too flexible for too long and am having to re-learn a lot of things. It’s hard because our older DC did really well with the more flexible parenting approach and I incorrectly understood or thought that was the new consensus or what the evidence said we should be doing as parents now.

The psychology community has an agenda. The agenda is to sell you books, therapies, articles etc and they do that by making you feel as if you are responsible for the behaviors of another person. Nurture vs nature.
Your son is sick. He has biological differences that effect his behavior. Whether you coddle him when he lashes out or ignore it, he is biologically wires to lash out with violent behavior.
You can not parent him out of the biological problems he is having. It will take medical care, maturity and possibly therapy.

Only extreme cases of abuse and neglect have any meaningful bearing on behavior. Behavior is hard wired.

[Anonymous]

To your original worry, that you aren’t telling out of shame/fear: for me, it was sometimes easier, when my son was young, to share a video rather than tell. Then the provider is seeing what happened exactly and you’re not worried about whether you characterized it the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need a much more experienced BCBA. There are many more things that Can and should be done in this situation. Try Kennedy Kreiger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need a much more experienced BCBA. There are many more things that Can and should be done in this situation. Try Kennedy Kreiger.

And don’t sugarcoat anything when you inquire there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.

It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.

I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?

I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.

I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.

Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.

It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.

Op here. It probably is my fault. I was following the gentle parenting/Dr. Becky/Angela Lansbury stuff long after I should have stopped. All of that stuff worked well on our firstborn who is NT. I didn’t know any other way with DS. Now with all the training I’m getting in ABA and the parenting classes, I’m seeing how physical guidance is a hugely effective and necessary tool. I really bought too much into the concept of bodily autonomy in children (I’m a SA survivor myself). I wish I’d understood the ABA frameworks sooner and learned how to be more of an enforcer. I was too flexible for too long and am having to re-learn a lot of things. It’s hard because our older DC did really well with the more flexible parenting approach and I incorrectly understood or thought that was the new consensus or what the evidence said we should be doing as parents now.

The psychology community has an agenda. The agenda is to sell you books, therapies, articles etc and they do that by making you feel as if you are responsible for the behaviors of another person. Nurture vs nature.
Your son is sick. He has biological differences that effect his behavior. Whether you coddle him when he lashes out or ignore it, he is biologically wires to lash out with violent behavior.
You can not parent him out of the biological problems he is having. It will take medical care, maturity and possibly therapy.

Only extreme cases of abuse and neglect have any meaningful bearing on behavior. Behavior is hard wired.

This might be one of the most ill-informed things I’ve ever read about behavior.