DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that

[Anonymous]

This is not your fault. You are doing everything you can. He’s likely at his worst around you because you are the safest person to him. A lot of times you just have to try one thing after the other and see what helps. He’s lucky to have you. I hope you are able to find techniques, therapy and medications that help.

[Anonymous]

This isn't your fault. However, in order to fully help your kid you need to be fully honest at the picture. Mental health or anything of the sort is no different than a medical issue. If you were seeing a doctor for abdominal pain would you leave out that you were also having bloody stools, vomiting after every meal, and had constant body aches? No, you'd give the whole picture in order to get an accurate diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.

It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.

I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?

I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.

I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.

Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.

It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.

Op here. It probably is my fault. I was following the gentle parenting/Dr. Becky/Angela Lansbury stuff long after I should have stopped. All of that stuff worked well on our firstborn who is NT. I didn’t know any other way with DS. Now with all the training I’m getting in ABA and the parenting classes, I’m seeing how physical guidance is a hugely effective and necessary tool. I really bought too much into the concept of bodily autonomy in children (I’m a SA survivor myself). I wish I’d understood the ABA frameworks sooner and learned how to be more of an enforcer. I was too flexible for too long and am having to re-learn a lot of things. It’s hard because our older DC did really well with the more flexible parenting approach and I incorrectly understood or thought that was the new consensus or what the evidence said we should be doing as parents now.

Do not feel bad. Please share with your PCIT therapist the aggression at home and ask to prioritize it. When my DS was agressive at home, the PCIT therapist had us target that first before the traditional PCIT sequence. I could not believe it but the behavior was basically gone in a few weeks. Full disclosure it was less than you describe, but I have a lot of faith in the approach. I also highly recommend reading everything written by Dr Kazdin.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:“Violent” how?

Op here. Hitting, kicking, punching, throwing things at me, swiping everything off the counter or grabbing anything he can get hands on to throw or destroy, spitting, biting, throwing himself into sliding glass doors, etc.

what does the behavioral therapist say you should do when he does this?

Op here. I’m still not really clear on what exactly I’m supposed to do. I know I’m not supposed to look at him or talk to him when I’m restraining or stopping him. And I know I’m supposed to keep things out of reach that he might grab or throw. And I know DH is supposed to take the lead in situations where these behaviors are likely to occur. And I know we’re supposed to do things like reinforcing good behavior and structured play time to teach him appropriate ways to request my attention. I’m still not sure what the incident response plan is supposed to be when he’s literally attacking me (aside from removing myself from the situation).

Does he get a token economy/rewards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Violent” how?

Op here. Hitting, kicking, punching, throwing things at me, swiping everything off the counter or grabbing anything he can get hands on to throw or destroy, spitting, biting, throwing himself into sliding glass doors, etc.

what does the behavioral therapist say you should do when he does this?

Op here. I’m still not really clear on what exactly I’m supposed to do. I know I’m not supposed to look at him or talk to him when I’m restraining or stopping him. And I know I’m supposed to keep things out of reach that he might grab or throw. And I know DH is supposed to take the lead in situations where these behaviors are likely to occur. And I know we’re supposed to do things like reinforcing good behavior and structured play time to teach him appropriate ways to request my attention. I’m still not sure what the incident response plan is supposed to be when he’s literally attacking me (aside from removing myself from the situation).

Does he get a token economy/rewards?

Op here. He gets rewards but we don’t do the tokens because he has an intellectual disability and it would be too complex for him to understand.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as someone who hasn't always been honest about what my child needs, please be honest with yourself, your pediatrician, your providers, and whoever else can help your child (and you!) get the necessary supports. If your child is being violent it's not a reflection of you as a parent but please be honest so you can both move in a positive direction. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety. Sounds like my dd at age 6. Be an open book to get help from providers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your feelings. I have a child who can be violent, and there is a need to hide to protect them.

But your child is 5. It will only get worse. You will eventually be forced to accept that if you don't disclose and deal with this now, it will only mushroom.

Is your child on medication? Violence is a valid reason to adjust medications.

And don't worry, the ER has seen all this and worse.

It won't necessarily get worse. I had a child who could be violent toward me and spouse - hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, throwing things. We were terrified of it getting worse as DC grew older. But in fact DC outgrew this behavior by high school. Maybe taking ADD medications helped with the self-regulation. Maybe maturing or all the therapy. Maybe being able to communicate more (there was a language issue as a child which likely led to frustration).

OP, big hugs to you. I don't have any advice. I just want to let you know you are not alone and some of us do understand how terrifying and exhausting this can be. I hope your child will also outgrow this behavior through therapy and maturing and maybe medications.

You also need an outlet to talk - to a friend, therapist, someone to confide in so you don't bear this all alone.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine how alone and isolated you must feel. You son is lucky to have you as his mom. I believe strongly in trusting yourself and following your gut. Also it is our instinct to protect and I’m sure you are trying to protect him from judgement and shame by keeping it in. If the people you tell make you feel those things then they are the wrong people. Sending you strength and love!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is only 5 but in the last few months has become increasingly violent, primarily towards me but also sometimes towards DH and our other DC.

He’s in behavioral therapy, DH and I are taking parenting classes, we are doing ABA. He has a psychiatrist and many other doctors.

I’m just struggling to fully disclose how bad it is to our doctors and care team. Because it makes me feel like I am betraying DS and because I worry they will see him as a bad child.

He truly isn’t. He is incredibly sweet and sensitive and affectionate and kind towards others. But something about being around me just causes these extreme behaviors. We are still working to figure it out and how to handle it (hence the intensive training and therapy, including PCIT).

It’s really hard, he has really hurt me quite badly (which is surprising since he’s so much smaller than I am) quite a few times. I’ve had to go to the ER for it.

I just shared with my own personal therapist about the violence and she seemed really alarmed and now I feel ashamed and regretful.

Has anyone else experienced this? I think I’m scared that I look very incompetent.

Also, PLEASE, I am asking so nicely if we can just talk about what I’m asking to talk about. I will delete the thread if this is not respected. I’m not here to share my child’s diagnosis and every type of doctor and therapy we’ve tried and I’m not looking for suggestions of other doctors to see (I promise you, we have seen them all). Just asking if others have felt this way about disclosing violence.

Your care team will not think this. Before I had my own child with SNs I was often the part of others' care teams. I've been to the emergency room twice for injuries I sustained in that role. I never thought the child was bad, nor did I blame the parents. It was just part of the job and made me even more empathetic to what the families went through. I think it's important to be honest. You can even tell them that you have been downplaying it because you were embarrassed and worried to tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

My son was very violent in the preschool years. Ultimately it took anti-anxiety medicine to stop the behavior and then it stopped instantly. Also ask for a ferritin panel to see if he has low iron saturation. If your doctor says but his cbc is normal tell them you want the ferritin panel anyway.

[Anonymous]

One of my DCs is extremely violent and mentally ill. Although his diagnosis was different than your son’s, I completely understand the feelings of fear, guilt, desire to protect that you are experiencing. You are a good mom. But your protective instincts are maladaptive here because we aren’t prepared for these situations.

Tell his care team. Show the videos. They need all the information you can give them to make the best treatment plans.

You are stressed and overwhelmed. Write or make notes in your phone so you remember to ask/tell the providers what you need to, and write down whatever plans they don’t give you in writing. You absolutely need to know what to do when your son is being violent. Stress level doesn’t just affect you when it’s happening it affects your memory and communication. It would be impossible to retain everything the care team tells you, don’t try!

I hope DH is on board with you and you have other support.

[Anonymous]

I would personally be more concerned about what they’d think about your other child - whether they’re truly safe in your home. I would focus my efforts (with proof) on keeping my other child safe.

[Anonymous]

I can tell what a good mother you are. You are in a very tough situation but you are doing all of the right things.

Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

“Violent” is a label you’re putting on your *child* when you should be focusing on the *behavior*.

Alternarives:
When DS feels negative emotions, he externalizes feelings through aggressive actions.
DS has trouble controlling impulses.
DS has trouble predicting how much his actions can hurt people.

All those problems are fixable. The problem isn’t your son, it’s his lack of skills.