Making “grandparenting” your identity - as an inactive grandparent

[Anonymous]

This is almost laughable to post about, but I’m curious if anyone else has grandparents who do this:

House covered in All the “grandparent” Home Goods type paraphernalia… “grandkids spoiled here”, “a grandma’s heart is with her grandkids”, etc. Tshirts pronouncing oneself “world’s most loving grandma”, license plate holder “grandma of the 3 best kids”, etc etc….

But only see the grandkids twice a year for a few days at a time (grandparents choice)? It is so bizarre to me. I could understand being an arms-length grandparent. I could understand being a crazy hands-on grandparent. But I don’t get projecting this image when your grandkids barely know who you are.

Anyone else identify with this?

[Anonymous]

Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

[Anonymous]

I think old people sit around with their friends and talk about their grandkids a lot, and the grandparents that aren't actively grandparenting (to use your vernacular) feel in order to participate they need to give the impression of being an involved grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think old people sit around with their friends and talk about their grandkids a lot, and the grandparents that aren't actively grandparenting (to use your vernacular) feel in order to participate they need to give the impression of being an involved grandparent.

Yep. They care more about how they are perceived as grandparents rather than how they actually are as grandparents.

It’s pretty classic booomer behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

Ha, spot on. My parents are like this. Maybe not the t-shirts and license plate holders in the OP but getting their identity from being grandparents (e.g., talking constantly about their grandkids to others, insisting on the latest school photos as soon as they come out, etc.) but not actually seeing or interacting with their grandkids at all really. We live a couple hours away, and my parents have never visited, but even when we visit them they don't talk to my kids. My sibling is local. My parents have never been to a school event, school play, sports/soccer/baseball game, etc., for my teenage nephews despite living right there, being in fine health, no cognitive issues, etc. I've give up trying to understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is almost laughable to post about, but I’m curious if anyone else has grandparents who do this:

House covered in All the “grandparent” Home Goods type paraphernalia… “grandkids spoiled here”, “a grandma’s heart is with her grandkids”, etc. Tshirts pronouncing oneself “world’s most loving grandma”, license plate holder “grandma of the 3 best kids”, etc etc….

But only see the grandkids twice a year for a few days at a time (grandparents choice)? It is so bizarre to me. I could understand being an arms-length grandparent. I could understand being a crazy hands-on grandparent. But I don’t get projecting this image when your grandkids barely know who you are.

Anyone else identify with this?

14:37 PP. Meant to add that the twice a year for a couple days, by their choice, is how mine are, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

Ha, spot on. My parents are like this. Maybe not the t-shirts and license plate holders in the OP but getting their identity from being grandparents (e.g., talking constantly about their grandkids to others, insisting on the latest school photos as soon as they come out, etc.) but not actually seeing or interacting with their grandkids at all really. We live a couple hours away, and my parents have never visited, but even when we visit them they don't talk to my kids. My sibling is local. My parents have never been to a school event, school play, sports/soccer/baseball game, etc., for my teenage nephews despite living right there, being in fine health, no cognitive issues, etc. I've give up trying to understand it.

I don’t get why it’s so widespread.

I’m not even THAT interested in kids really, but I hope to be an involved grandparent if for no other reason than this phase of my life (parenting small children) has been so incredibly hard that I want to help my own kids have an easier time with it someday.

Have they just forgotten how hard it is? Are their lives really so meaningful and fun that they don’t want the love of a grandkid?

It’s perplexing because I look at how fiercely my freaking nanny loves my DC (so much so that she sometimes wants to stop by on her days off just to snuggle him) and she misses him terribly when we vacation. They aren’t even related but you fall in love with kids when you spend time with them. So weird my own parents have no interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

Ha, spot on. My parents are like this. Maybe not the t-shirts and license plate holders in the OP but getting their identity from being grandparents (e.g., talking constantly about their grandkids to others, insisting on the latest school photos as soon as they come out, etc.) but not actually seeing or interacting with their grandkids at all really. We live a couple hours away, and my parents have never visited, but even when we visit them they don't talk to my kids. My sibling is local. My parents have never been to a school event, school play, sports/soccer/baseball game, etc., for my teenage nephews despite living right there, being in fine health, no cognitive issues, etc. I've give up trying to understand it.

Hah! This is my MIL. Constant guilt trips about us not facilitating a relationship between her and our kids, but never initiates or even answers FaceTimes, never comes to activities, moved farther away from us when downsizing. Insists on celebrating birthdays and then shows up with inedible cake and gifts that go immediately in the donate pile (because she never asks what the kids are interested in). When we do see her, she barely engages with the kids but insists on a pic for social media before leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

Ha, spot on. My parents are like this. Maybe not the t-shirts and license plate holders in the OP but getting their identity from being grandparents (e.g., talking constantly about their grandkids to others, insisting on the latest school photos as soon as they come out, etc.) but not actually seeing or interacting with their grandkids at all really. We live a couple hours away, and my parents have never visited, but even when we visit them they don't talk to my kids. My sibling is local. My parents have never been to a school event, school play, sports/soccer/baseball game, etc., for my teenage nephews despite living right there, being in fine health, no cognitive issues, etc. I've give up trying to understand it.

Hah! This is my MIL. Constant guilt trips about us not facilitating a relationship between her and our kids, but never initiates or even answers FaceTimes, never comes to activities, moved farther away from us when downsizing. Insists on celebrating birthdays and then shows up with inedible cake and gifts that go immediately in the donate pile (because she never asks what the kids are interested in). When we do see her, she barely engages with the kids but insists on a pic for social media before leaving.

You are describing my MIL, down to the bizarre photo at each gathering even though she spent the whole visit ignoring the kids and talking about herself or her other grandkids. My kids are much older now and don't enjoy those IL visits.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative who is the mom version of this. Has 50/50 custody on paper but sees her own kids maybe an hour a week. Instagram is covered with pictures of the kids doing fun things. People will comment and ask why she’s never in the picture and she will make some martyr comment about how it’s hard to get pictures that include you when you are a single parent. No, it’s hard to get pictures of you at the zoo with your kids when some other relative took them and you were not there!

[Anonymous]

My parents do this. They’re nuts though so whatevs.

[Anonymous]

It's just the baby boomer version of the fake tiktok, instagram, and facebook posts that everyone else does, but about being awesome grandparents instead of pretending you're way more popular and fun than you really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

LOL. "Grand-acquaintance" this is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative who is the mom version of this. Has 50/50 custody on paper but sees her own kids maybe an hour a week. Instagram is covered with pictures of the kids doing fun things. People will comment and ask why she’s never in the picture and she will make some martyr comment about how it’s hard to get pictures that include you when you are a single parent. No, it’s hard to get pictures of you at the zoo with your kids when some other relative took them and you were not there!

This. Or "well, maybe next year" - when you book the beach trip for when your grandkids are in SCHOOL. (WTH is WRONG with you??)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think old people sit around with their friends and talk about their grandkids a lot, and the grandparents that aren't actively grandparenting (to use your vernacular) feel in order to participate they need to give the impression of being an involved grandparent.

BINGO. Also a reflection of how checked out they were as parents. Or worse, favoring another grandkid over another - in front of that grandkid. So gross.