Making “grandparenting” your identity - as an inactive grandparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just the baby boomer version of the fake tiktok, instagram, and facebook posts that everyone else does, but about being awesome grandparents instead of pretending you're way more popular and fun than you really are.

Nailed it. Plenty of parents use their own kids as props in their fake social media personas, why is it so hard to believe grandparents do it too?

[Anonymous]

Yes. On both sides.

The grandparents are using the grandkids as social currency with their personal friends but don’t want the actual relationship with them beyond surface level, hour long visits with parents present so they don’t have to interact too long because kids are “work”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

Say it, bro. Truth.

[Anonymous]

These elders, they are feeble minded? Offer them grace.

[Anonymous]

This thread, while sad, makes me feel better that it's not just my parents. They make little effort on their own, relying on me to facilitate their relationship with their grandchild. I don't have time ... if they want to hang out, they need to reach out. But they don't. They act like doing most anything is a pain. When they do ask to see her, they either want me there too (why?) or they schedule it at some highly inconvenient time and expect me to shuttle her there and back and it's never for more than a couple hours at a time. Coming to most of her activities is "hard" but god forbid they aren't invited and find out later (they probably wouldn't have come anyway).

But there is always always ALWAYS a photo taken of any time spent together and posted on social media. It's so irritating.

[Anonymous]

I’m a grandparent and I don’t know any other grandparents like this. Were your childhoods also all screwed up by your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a grandparent and I don’t know any other grandparents like this. Were your childhoods also all screwed up by your parents?

I’m sure my mom would also say she doesn’t know any grandparents like this and has zero self awareness to realize she is like this.

[Anonymous]

My mother called the headmaster in a fit when they paused Grand friends day due to the lingering pandemic one year. She insisted she had to talk to all of my kids teachers to make sure DC was being treated well (the assumption being I was a lax mom that didn’t know how to work the system). She lived for the prestige she soaked up that one day, loving to tell people she was going to ______ Country Day for Grandparent’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please watch this, it’s hilarious and directly addresses your question:

https://www.tiktok.com/@boldfam/video/7254999809197641003

LOL. "Grand-acquaintance" this is wonderful.

I loved that too.

Think about how they parented us-very hands off and everything revolved around their needs. If we did anything remotely brag-worthy, they might pay attention so they could tell their friends and take credit but otherwise a lot of them weren't that into parenting either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think old people sit around with their friends and talk about their grandkids a lot, and the grandparents that aren't actively grandparenting (to use your vernacular) feel in order to participate they need to give the impression of being an involved grandparent.

BINGO. Also a reflection of how checked out they were as parents. Or worse, favoring another grandkid over another - in front of that grandkid. So gross.

My mother does this.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this to a degree and made it clear she would be very hands off. I wanted a relationship so I of course did whatever she wanted and would not impose kids on her.

Now as she ages she notices her friend who was a VERY hands on grandparents has such a beautiful relationship with her grandkids who visit often and my mother wants me to create that illusion for her.

Her friend moved in for the first month they kids were infants to be nanny and chef. She insisted her adult daughters be able to travel with their husbands and she would take grandkids for up to weeks. When one daughter remodeled her house, grandma had the kids move in with her for 4 months so her daughter could just focus on house issues. When they come just for a holiday dinner, grandma sends them home with full family meals for the freezer. She truly adores her grandchildren, treats them equally and does special things alone with each of them. I know that is really amazing and more than anyone would expect. I would not expect even a fraction of that, but my goodness if my kids had a grandma like that of course they would be begging me to see her all the time.

[Anonymous]

I know- it is so cringe.

[Anonymous]

I feel this deeply. My mother begged and begged for me to finally bring my kids and come visit her in the middle of nowhere FL where they recently moved. I took a week of PTO in Feb and flew by myself with my 3yo and 1yo (via connecting flights 🙃) to get there and they barely acknowledged my kids all week. Was left to fend for myself with the kids in a strange non kid-friendly place while they played golf and pickleball all day. But she made sure to grab a few pics for her grandmother of the year FB post ⭐️

[Anonymous]

This is my in laws.

Their lack of interest in my kids disgusts me to the point that I have no relationship with them at all anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother called the headmaster in a fit when they paused Grand friends day due to the lingering pandemic one year. She insisted she had to talk to all of my kids teachers to make sure DC was being treated well (the assumption being I was a lax mom that didn’t know how to work the system). She lived for the prestige she soaked up that one day, loving to tell people she was going to ______ Country Day for Grandparent’s Day.

My mom and I had a huge falling out an never speak any longer. She also never sees her only grandkids now for this same reason.

Anyway, before we stopped talking, she used to call their schools. She lives in Texas and we are in Maryland and she would call the front office and ask about them. She would check the school calendar and do all kinds of weird and semi-creepy stuff. The level of detail she drilled down to was disturbing. Like emailing us about half days and stuff.

She came to visit once a year and chose to live in Texas. When she visited, she spent most of her time talking to her husband (my step father) about the weather in Texas and he’d be asking about some dumb college sports from Texas colleges that no one cares about here.