Making “grandparenting” your identity - as an inactive grandparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this to a degree and made it clear she would be very hands off. I wanted a relationship so I of course did whatever she wanted and would not impose kids on her.

Now as she ages she notices her friend who was a VERY hands on grandparents has such a beautiful relationship with her grandkids who visit often and my mother wants me to create that illusion for her.

Her friend moved in for the first month they kids were infants to be nanny and chef. She insisted her adult daughters be able to travel with their husbands and she would take grandkids for up to weeks. When one daughter remodeled her house, grandma had the kids move in with her for 4 months so her daughter could just focus on house issues. When they come just for a holiday dinner, grandma sends them home with full family meals for the freezer. She truly adores her grandchildren, treats them equally and does special things alone with each of them. I know that is really amazing and more than anyone would expect. I would not expect even a fraction of that, but my goodness if my kids had a grandma like that of course they would be begging me to see her all the time.

I feel that with relationships you get what you put in. Absentee, selfish grandparents should not expect much, yet somehow they feel entitled to it. My in-laws are now hitting the "oh oh, we barely know our grandkids, and they don't care about us" stage. It is sad because I know how amazing grandparents/grandchildren bonds can be, from my own grandparents, and dh with his, but ultimately, they chose this for themselves.

[Anonymous]

We have this with the absentee dad who is now, of course, an emotionally awkward absentee Grandpa. And his spouse (who only came into the family when grandkids started to be born) marches in and demands all of the perks that the active grandmothers have: inclusion in the holiday rotation, pictures on the wall.

It's quite irksome when he's never made the least bit of an effort to have a relationship with the kids. He shows up for dinner twice a year. It's really not the same thing as frequent visits, occasional babysitting and taking care of the kids while the parents have a weekend away now and then.