Trying to teach my son to be respectful is possibly ruining my relationship with him
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My son is 8 and although he’s not diagnosed ASD, he has very poor social skills and has generally always had a rude and sour disposition. (It’s likely something genetic because my MIL and niece are both very unpleasant people). My son isn’t nearly as bad as them, but he’s very rude and disrespectful.
We’ve been trying for years to improve his manners and general behavior towards his brothers. As he gets older, it’s more difficult to excuse his behavior, however. Brothers are 7 and 3. He’s mostly constantly snapping to the 3 year old: “stop that. Move. Get your own water. I want to. Get off my pillow. Out of my way.” I do worry my constant “try again” “speak kindly” is ruining MY relationship with him. Comparatively, our 7 year has a heart of gold and is naturally pleasant. Even our 3 year old has more manners and kindness. Our son is fine at school and with others although I wouldn’t call him a master of social decorum. We are in all the therapies and parenting coaching classes, but I could use some real life anecdotes please. |
Anonymous
| My nephew was born sweet but impulsive and socially oblivious. His parents tried so hard to be consistent and reminded him constantly of social rules. At the time it seemed a little much on a small boy, but it has paid off-- he stands out among his peers for his manners. |
Anonymous
| Children with ADHD and ASD can learn manners, both the doing and the why. It takes a long time and a lot of repetition. Persistence by the parent. Keep reminding, pleasantly. It will take longer for him and patience from you. Explain what to do and why to do it, explain that manners are reciprocal and make society run smoothly and make everyone get along smoothly. |
Anonymous
| What’s up with “get your own water” comments? He shouldn’t have to share a drink with anyone, that’s not hygienic. And it’s not his job to get his brother water. Maybe you are expecting too much? |
Anonymous
| I’ve seen that it can help all kids (but I think especially those with possible ASD or ADHD) for you to actually just say the words you think they should say in a tone of voice that indicates you want them to repeat it. “Try again” means it’s possible for them to fail again and “speak kindly” is open to interpretation, so it’s helpful to just be conpletely explicit. I’ve been trying it and it seems to result in less frustration anger from my 7yo son when I do. I also try to reduce correcting in public unless it’s super necessary. It’s embarrassing and often if I wait until later and bring it up privately he’s receptive to hearing why something he said was rude - this obviously only works for minor infractions. |
Anonymous
What do you let your oldest do that the others can’t? Things like parenting a sibling can be a clue the at he needs more responsibility - try teaching him to do laundry or something. Let him feel capable and competent. |
Anonymous
Clearly & positively remind him of rules/expectations often Give some reminders ahead of potentially tricky situations Have him make immediate amends for wronging others Don’t get emotional Praise any inkling of positive behaviors Give tons of affection Be really happy to see him first thing in the AM and right after school Talk to a dr about medication if his behavior is seriously impeding his academics/social life. Some medications can rewire the brain so there might be less chance of him growing up like your MIL. |
Anonymous
+1 Give him chores; or have him assist you with yours. |
Anonymous
Example: 3 year old to his 8yo brother: “Sammy can you please hand me my cup?” (Right near Sammy) Sammy: get your own cup |
Anonymous
This is so helpful thanks. But also the point of my post because I feel like he’s just getting more and more mad at me. “Sammy, say ‘I can’t play right now, I’m reading’ (instead of GO AWAY). I worry I’m nagging the heck out of him but my goodness! |
Anonymous
Hahah he does his own laundry and yells at me the whole time about it. He won’t do anything unless he wants to do it, and that’s very little. 
|
Anonymous
| He's still young. It will take longer for him to learn. You will get there. My ADHD child responded very well to a reward system for good behavior. We only rewarded, didn't take away. I think he was about 8 when we started it and we did it for a couple of years. He was so enthusiastic about it, it was endearing. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Do you ask him to do things nicely? I notice that when I’m sleep deprived and consequently short with my kids, they get consequently ruder and it turns into a vicious cycle that I can only ever break by being consistently sweet to them for several days even when they’re being maximally obnoxious (and ensuring all of us get plenty of sleep). Also — is he getting/does he want more time to himself? It’s pretty hard being the oldest and having siblings means you don’t get a lot of alone time. Similarly does he get 1:1 time with each parent and are his manners better then? A lot of your examples sound like they’re directed at siblings which could be from the social stress of siblings or his perception that you don’t like him as much as his brothers (in your post for example, you say he’s unpleasant and they’re lovely — if that’s a general representation of your feelings (and it might not be!) he may also be picking up on that). |
Anonymous
OP my son is ADHD and they said not ASD but I always have had a sneaking suspicion he is a little on the spectrum (I know ADHD can present with similar symptoms though). He is also 8 and last year he had a LOT of trouble speaking kindly to his younger brother. I actually gave him some scripts. Like, “if Jack tells you something or shows you something, you should just say ‘that’s cool’ if you aren’t interested in it. Because he just wants to show you things, so when you ignore him or tell him to go away, it makes him try harder to show you!” and he seemed to respond to scripts pretty well. I’ve also told him he can ALWAYS decline to play with his brother if he doesn’t feel like it (he needs a lot of down time away from social interactions sometimes) but his script is to say “no thanks but we can play something later”. My son is actually quite motivated to please and wants to be “good”, so his disposition sounds different than your sons, but he had such similar struggles with being polite instead of blowing up in frustration at his brother (or sometimes his friends). Scripts helped a lot until he was able to mature socially a little more! |
Anonymous
| ^^i should add, the scripts helped me not nag him every time because when id correct him every time, I’d unconsciously give him something diffeeent to say each time. But with giving him a script I only had to remind him once or twice and then he was able to use that same script every time the situation came up. So it really cut down a LOT on my correcting him. |