Trying to teach my son to be respectful is possibly ruining my relationship with him
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Anonymous
| Parenting isn’t always easy. But you’re the parent, and the only person he has to teach him these things. You need to do it. Being his friend is secondary. |
Anonymous
If only your parents had worked harder with you… |
Anonymous
| You are doing the right thing. But he may also need more 1-1 time. |
Anonymous
| ADHD is not what this is about. You kid is mean, either because he feels mistreated (why?), or because he's just not a nice person. What's his media diet and role model behavior? Does he get 10hrs of sleep each night? Any chronic pain? |
Anonymous
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We saw these things increase when we were falling behind on our 1 on 1 “time in” with each kid. It is so exhausting handling everything, but we work really hard to prioritize that even if it is just playing Roblox for 15 minutes.
We also had good success with Kazdin’s positive reinforcement strategies. We had to pick 1 situation at a time and basically script it (with 3-4 options). We started with saying “thank you” when someone gives you something instead of “I don’t like this food” or “why did you give me this”. When they said something nice we would either explicitly praise, or if out in public do a tiny high five or a wink and talk about it later. Eventually the positive reactions of others became the reinforcement, but I had to point those out sometimes. (The Publix cookie sample lady was great for this. She would give him an extra cookie whenever he was especially polite in asking/ saying thank you.) When our now teen acts crabby, we can say something like- “Hey, what’s going on?”. Then sometimes they ask for a hug, or a rest/snack, or to do something together. We also treat the first 30 minutes home as decompression. And we don’t manage those comments other than empathy (sounds like a tough day). One of our therapists memorable described those sharing as the lancing of an emotional boil. So I mentally put on my PPE and wait it out. And then after a snack/ break we can problem solve if there was anything that needed action or if it was just sharing about their day. I try really hard to do some self-care (like having music in the car instead of a conference call) before pick up so that I have some emotional resources left. Sorry this is so long. I remember wondering if my 5 year old would be a grumpy old man forever. |
Anonymous
you think people should share drinks? gross. that's a good way to spread herpes and other germs. and no, i don't think one sibling should have to wait on another. |
Anonymous
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Thank you everyone! How refreshing it is to get such kind responses.
We will work on 1:1 time…as most know, it’s hard to spend 1:1 time with this type of child. We do 1:1 time with him, of course, but it’s not our default. We’ll work on it. My goal is not to be his friend but I also don’t want him to feel like I’ve nagged him his entire childhood…that’s what it feels like! I have very, very few pleasant interactions with him throughout the day, even when I’m searching for them to be moments of praise. It’s really hard. 
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Anonymous
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So I’m mostly just going to sympathize. My oldest has ADHD and is around the age of your oldest. We worked so hard on kind words and manners when they were younger- calm reminders, positive reinforcement, the works and it sunk in because they have beautiful manners with everyone else. It’s not that they don’t know what to do they are actively choosing not to do it. My child tells me constantly that I love their younger sibling more, that younger child is the favorite and any correction is now simply because I don’t love them as much as DC2. It got really bad when my younger child had some significant health issues that have stabilized but will be life long. I feel like I’ve lost all perspective at this point in time. Very likely I’m at least part of the problem. We were doing a ton to help the younger one for a while and I’m still really emotional over all of it. I obviously love both my kids a lot and frankly have more in common with my older one but we are in a bad cycle and their dad has been working a lot so neither of them is getting much 1:1 time.
I do think the PP who are suggesting 1:1 time are right. I need to find a way to do better too. Stay strong and keep loving your kids; I hope it works out for both of us. So |
Anonymous
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One tip that hasn’t been mentioned, yet that I have found really helpful with a similar personality kid: I explain the underlying mechanics of Neurotypical social norms. If I can explain it to him in terms of utility, then he can see the benefit to him. E.g., his toddler brother found a lego and brought it to him and he snapped “that’s mine!!!!” I explained that his brother is going to see his stuff laying around from time to time. His choices are A) brother brings it to him, B) brother hides it or plays with it. Which is better? Then I explained that if he instead says “wow! Thanks!” He is training brother to bring him his stuff. I tried to explain how I’m talking to his brother and sister, in terms of the utility and what I’m trying to teach them in terms of how they interact with me, rather than “you are a mean jerk if you don’t do it this way“ I am trying to phrase it as “you were going to get better results and they will bug you less if you do it the way I’m teaching you.“ it takes the blame and shame out of it. I also remind him all the time that he doesn’t have to do what they are, asking of him, whether it’s helping them, giving them attention, sharing something with them that he’s still using, etc. I work really hard to say “hey you are allowed to want what you want, here is a more effective way to express that.“ Also, sometimes when they keep crossing boundaries with him, and he comes to get my attention about it, I drop what I’m doing immediately to intervene because I want to reinforce that if he’s overwhelmed, he should get my help Rather than try to punish them himself.
I also go out of my way to empathize with my first about the ways in which his younger siblings are annoying. Including sometimes sharing when I am getting frustrated with them. When we do have one on one time, I will often say “I’m so glad to have this time with just you. I love your brother and sister, but it’s definitely hard to be around them sometimes because they need a lot of attention and help. I love to just spend time with you because you are such a fun person to be around.” I think it’s important for him to understand that you can love someone and also find them annoying. Autistic kids tend to have black-and-white, thinking and view it as this person bugs me therefore, I don’t love them but overtime he is learning that he can love being around his brother and sister sometimes and want to be away from them other times, and that both of those things can be true. |
Anonymous
I agree with the pp and will add it’s still a little different then this op - you drop all the “Sammy say” or “Sammy try again” you just repeat calmly in the tone. So for example brother says Sammy please play with me and you hear Sammy say “go away” you just say out load in a calm voice. “Larlo I can’t play with you right now, I’m reading” For my kids (one with adhd so I’m with you) it is a bit magical at times. They will just repeat it in the kinder way without me even asking. Sometimes they don’t but it’s like they get it through the osmosis of hearing it and it’s less like a correction and more coaching in the background. I do it a lot in how they talk to me - “mom!! Milk!!” I start walking towards the milk while saying “mom can I please have some milk” 9 times out of 10 they repeat that or something similar back. If they don’t it’s not like a hey I need to hear that before I get the milk! So it isn’t a power struggle. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I’d the rudeness is so blatant or a pattern I will definitely say hey not ok try again but that strategy works to not have that have to be constant |
Anonymous
| I also agree with the pp about explaining. I have found that really helpful with my kid with adhd. For example explaining hey your brother actually just wants x, why don’t you ask him what’s wrong. I know it’s frustrating he’s yelling but since he is 2 he has a harder time telling you what he wants so checking in will make it easier for you. or I know you don’t want your brother doing x, try giving him a job that would help you with y. Or try telling him what your goal is, he wants to help but because he’s 2 he doesn’t totally understand unless you tell him. |
Anonymous
An older brother could reasonably be expected to get his 3 year old brother a cup of water from the kitchen sink. |
Anonymous
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Does he ever actually get any real consequences for his rude behavior? Or is just a brief 30 second gentle-parent lecture about how its important to be helpful to the younger brother.
Bc if my older spoke like that to my youngest, he would be a world of sh%t |
Anonymous
Have any of the therapists or pediatricians posited the possibility you child couple possibly be acting out due to dissatisfaction with their assigned gender from birth? |
Anonymous
| It sounds to me like the oldest child is getting annoyed with the younger ones. He's bossing them and treating them with, well, annoyance. This doesn't sound to me like lack of social skills, but relaxation of social skills in the home where he is comfortable to let out his negative feelings toward his siblings, who probably bug him. |