Reply to What to do when your wife is somewhat unreasonable

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[quote=Anonymous]It's very obvious to me what the real problem is.

She feels very crunched for time, but has a case of the "shoulds" - I should be cooking meals from scratch. I should have a nice yard. I should be able to do more in a hobby. We should be able to take more involved vacations.

It's so, so common with UMC moms, and it's soul sucking.

For your part, I would do a few things simultaneously.

First, let some of it go. If the food budget is fine, don't worry about the "goal" food that never gets eaten, just toss the lamb without comment. If she's not killing your budget with gear, just let that go. It can gather dust till the kids are older. Either leave the yard torn up until she gets to it, or skip the leaky bathroom for another weekend. You might not be able to let ALL of it go, but half, at least. Honestly, the only thing on that list I think is worth upending the apple cart over is the rosebushes, since it's putting work on you, but your preferences may vary. Let the other stuff go.

Second of all - she needs a self esteem boost. Look for places where you're honestly appreciative of all she does as a mom and complement her. Sincerely, casually, briefly, and often. My husband is great at this, and while every once in a while I do roll my eyes, all those casual "you're such a good mom" as I put away a stack of folded laundry or "you handed that so well" after I deal with some kid misbehavior... it's really gotten into my psyche in a positive way and it's improved my self talk. You say you think overall you have a pretty awesome life together - tell her that!

Finally - focus on the real problem. Don't go to her about the torn up yard or the rotting lamb. Try opening up a conversation about how she's feeling. During a calm moment after the kids are in bed. "Sometimes I feel like you're really hard on yourself as a mom." and let her talk. See what she has to say. That's the root of the problem, and the more you can be the soft spot where she can be vulnerable and talk about her insecurities, the better off you'll all be. [/quote]

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