I'm sick of being the punching bag

[Anonymous]

DD 14 is very 14. Lovely to other people, charming and a great student at school, then comes home and unloads all the big feelings onto me. Critical of my every glance (I know its normal, I remember doing it myself to my mother) but then also complaining about how much she hates school, her sport practice that day, etc. etc. I listen - I do my job. I acknowledge how hard that must be and validate her feelings. If I ever suggest any solutions, it is, of course, met with even more hostility.

I get it, this is typical. But I'm honestly sick of it. I feel like she unloads all her anger and frustration onto me - and then I am supposed to carry it for her. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the fact I dread picking her up from school because she's going to be such a pill in the car. I hate the fact that everyone else gets the nice happy DD and I only get the snarly version.

When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

[Anonymous]

Tell her she has 15 minutes to tell you negative things then you're done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

Amen!

And we wonder why parenting is an unattractive life option and the birth rate is following.

Sorry I have no advice except emotional detachment. On bad days, it’s feels more like dissociation.

[Anonymous]

Is she verbally abusing you or is she just venting about her day? If the former, not at all acceptable and I would give her the silent treatment while she does it and maybe turn on some music to zone her out. If the latter, why are you so upset about it? Teenagers have Big Feelings and you are her safe place. Just let it in one ear and out the other unless she asks for advice. She will figure it out, this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she verbally abusing you or is she just venting about her day? If the former, not at all acceptable and I would give her the silent treatment while she does it and maybe turn on some music to zone her out. If the latter, why are you so upset about it? Teenagers have Big Feelings and you are her safe place. Just let it in one ear and out the other unless she asks for advice. She will figure it out, this too shall pass.

+1. Can't see why you are letting this bother you so much. Also be glad she's telling you about the things she's going through rather than shutting you out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she verbally abusing you or is she just venting about her day? If the former, not at all acceptable and I would give her the silent treatment while she does it and maybe turn on some music to zone her out. If the latter, why are you so upset about it? Teenagers have Big Feelings and you are her safe place. Just let it in one ear and out the other unless she asks for advice. She will figure it out, this too shall pass.

+1. Can't see why you are letting this bother you so much. Also be glad she's telling you about the things she's going through rather than shutting you out

Op here- I have wondered this myself. It just spikes my own anxiety and mood. Like, when she’s stressed and upset, I find myself feeling similarly.

I mean, partly I also just resent having someone I bend over backwards for all the time constantly complain about the life I am providing- that part is grating.

But when she has spikes of tension and strong ups and downs, I feel it too- like I’m being pulled along side. I have always chalked it up to this is what happens when your kid feels connected with you. But then I circle back to the part that I resent it!

Does everyone else not get affected by their kids moods?

[Anonymous]

OP I am the same way. I love that my kids open up to me but I very much absorb their feelings too.

[Anonymous]

I give my child a short set time to unload, offer my help if needed then we take a break. He usually calms down. I also have him call grandma to talk if he needs to vent more

[Anonymous]

Same

[Anonymous]

I agree and I find it very hard. I do it better when I am not stressed by work and slept well, don't have other worries. Some days it is actually so upsetting I want to cry/crawl under a rock forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the same way. I love that my kids open up to me but I very much absorb their feelings too.

I’m beginning to see the beauty of 1980s parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree and I find it very hard. I do it better when I am not stressed by work and slept well, don't have other worries. Some days it is actually so upsetting I want to cry/crawl under a rock forever.

Op here. Right- so what the actual heck? This maybe a wonderful experience for the kid- but dammit there are two of us in this relationship. Why are we expected to again be martyrs for the cause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree and I find it very hard. I do it better when I am not stressed by work and slept well, don't have other worries. Some days it is actually so upsetting I want to cry/crawl under a rock forever.

Op here. Right- so what the actual heck? This maybe a wonderful experience for the kid- but dammit there are two of us in this relationship. Why are we expected to again be martyrs for the cause?

Idk. It's funny because I remember some pretty horrendous moments in my own teens, and my parents being cool as cucumbers and like "that's nice honey!" and not giving a crap. Of course I didn't confide in them the way my kids did, at all, so it was punctual and not constant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 14 is very 14. Lovely to other people, charming and a great student at school, then comes home and unloads all the big feelings onto me. Critical of my every glance (I know its normal, I remember doing it myself to my mother) but then also complaining about how much she hates school, her sport practice that day, etc. etc. I listen - I do my job. I acknowledge how hard that must be and validate her feelings. If I ever suggest any solutions, it is, of course, met with even more hostility.

I get it, this is typical. But I'm honestly sick of it. I feel like she unloads all her anger and frustration onto me - and then I am supposed to carry it for her. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the fact I dread picking her up from school because she's going to be such a pill in the car. I hate the fact that everyone else gets the nice happy DD and I only get the snarly version.

When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

I feel like I wrote this! My daughter picks a fight with me every day I pick her up. The other day she mentioned two girls who go competitively ride horses (she does not ride - and I don’t really know these girls - I’m just listening). So, I’m trying to be a good parent and let her talk - ‘oh, are they friends?’ This made her jump straight down my throat shouting at me - ‘no they’re such different people! How could you imagine they are friends’ etc. I respond - ‘well, they both ride at the same place, attend the same small school and church, and their parents travel in the same social circles’. Again, I’m met with hostility. So finally I say - ‘let’s not talk. I don’t like the way you treat me. Honestly, I don’t care about what two kids I barely know do for their extracurriculars or if they are friends, and I was just letting you talk and that’s what you brought up. I am tired of this happening on repeat about very mundane topics every day. If you cannot treat me with respect, don’t talk to me.’. This is probably the wrong approach, but after a very busy day, honestly this is the last thing I need. Especially since I pick her up and drive to the elementary school to get her little sister and nearly everyday she picks a fight with her sister too. Generally, she’s a sweet kid, but he has MOODS! and I always get the sh!+ end of the mood stick. I’m done. She only treats me like this in the 2 hour window after I pick her up from school. I will avoid talking to her in the time from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 14 is very 14. Lovely to other people, charming and a great student at school, then comes home and unloads all the big feelings onto me. Critical of my every glance (I know its normal, I remember doing it myself to my mother) but then also complaining about how much she hates school, her sport practice that day, etc. etc. I listen - I do my job. I acknowledge how hard that must be and validate her feelings. If I ever suggest any solutions, it is, of course, met with even more hostility.

I get it, this is typical. But I'm honestly sick of it. I feel like she unloads all her anger and frustration onto me - and then I am supposed to carry it for her. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the fact I dread picking her up from school because she's going to be such a pill in the car. I hate the fact that everyone else gets the nice happy DD and I only get the snarly version.

When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

You don't but you have to draw your own boundaries. This is not society's fault. You need to work on it because it never stops even when they are adults.