I'm sick of being the punching bag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 14 is very 14. Lovely to other people, charming and a great student at school, then comes home and unloads all the big feelings onto me. Critical of my every glance (I know its normal, I remember doing it myself to my mother) but then also complaining about how much she hates school, her sport practice that day, etc. etc. I listen - I do my job. I acknowledge how hard that must be and validate her feelings. If I ever suggest any solutions, it is, of course, met with even more hostility.

I get it, this is typical. But I'm honestly sick of it. I feel like she unloads all her anger and frustration onto me - and then I am supposed to carry it for her. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the fact I dread picking her up from school because she's going to be such a pill in the car. I hate the fact that everyone else gets the nice happy DD and I only get the snarly version.

When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

I feel like I wrote this! My daughter picks a fight with me every day I pick her up. The other day she mentioned two girls who go competitively ride horses (she does not ride - and I don’t really know these girls - I’m just listening). So, I’m trying to be a good parent and let her talk - ‘oh, are they friends?’ This made her jump straight down my throat shouting at me - ‘no they’re such different people! How could you imagine they are friends’ etc. I respond - ‘well, they both ride at the same place, attend the same small school and church, and their parents travel in the same social circles’. Again, I’m met with hostility. So finally I say - ‘let’s not talk. I don’t like the way you treat me. Honestly, I don’t care about what two kids I barely know do for their extracurriculars or if they are friends, and I was just letting you talk and that’s what you brought up. I am tired of this happening on repeat about very mundane topics every day. If you cannot treat me with respect, don’t talk to me.’. This is probably the wrong approach, but after a very busy day, honestly this is the last thing I need. Especially since I pick her up and drive to the elementary school to get her little sister and nearly everyday she picks a fight with her sister too. Generally, she’s a sweet kid, but he has MOODS! and I always get the sh!+ end of the mood stick. I’m done. She only treats me like this in the 2 hour window after I pick her up from school. I will avoid talking to her in the time from now on.

Let me know how it works out! I have tried this from time to time - but then she gets hurt/offended and then things escalate. I must be doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same problem with my 15 DD who has a pretty charmed life but just unloads on me as if I am some kind of Sherpa who can carry all this cr@p on my back. It’s beyond overwhelming and my mental health and marriage have suffered horribly. We are in all kinds of separate therapies and counseling. Nothing ever changes.

I get plenty of feedback from other people, including her boyfriend’s parents, that DD is so lovely, pleasant and kind. So everyone else gets the VIP version. It stings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the exact same problem with my 15 DD who has a pretty charmed life but just unloads on me as if I am some kind of Sherpa who can carry all this cr@p on my back. It’s beyond overwhelming and my mental health and marriage have suffered horribly. We are in all kinds of separate therapies and counseling. Nothing ever changes.

I get plenty of feedback from other people, including her boyfriend’s parents, that DD is so lovely, pleasant and kind. So everyone else gets the VIP version. It stings.

NP. I’m sorry, but I have to admit, I am glad I’m not the only one! I don’t remember unloading on my mother and then being annoyed if she misinterpreted. I sometimes wonder if we modern moms are almost too close with our daughters.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. DD is 14. She is a doll to the world and can be straight up wrank with me. I don’t mind her venting to me. I want her to talk to me. But I do mind her reaction to anything I say in those moments: I don’t understand, I’m clueless, I’m weird, plus lots of eye rolling and looks of contempt to round it all out. Plus, I too feel incredibly stressed and worried when she’s unhappy. I can’t help it. I have always soaked up the emotions of others and experiencing that with my own teenaged dd has been some superhuman, supersonic, nuclear empath level shit that sometimes feels like it will kill me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 14 is very 14. Lovely to other people, charming and a great student at school, then comes home and unloads all the big feelings onto me. Critical of my every glance (I know its normal, I remember doing it myself to my mother) but then also complaining about how much she hates school, her sport practice that day, etc. etc. I listen - I do my job. I acknowledge how hard that must be and validate her feelings. If I ever suggest any solutions, it is, of course, met with even more hostility.

I get it, this is typical. But I'm honestly sick of it. I feel like she unloads all her anger and frustration onto me - and then I am supposed to carry it for her. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the fact I dread picking her up from school because she's going to be such a pill in the car. I hate the fact that everyone else gets the nice happy DD and I only get the snarly version.

When did we as a society decide parents (aka mothers) were just expected to absorb all the shed emotions from our teens without question? Why do I have to sit there silently while she rails on about how unjust one thing or another is? I feel like I am being handed burden after burden of hers to carry because that's what mothers are supposed to do. But it makes me sad and anxious myself alongside also being essentially bullied for existing at all to begin with.

Why do I need to be a martyr exactly?

You don't need to be a martyr, you need to be the adult. It's not your job to fix/change her: it's your job to not react/over-react to her behavior

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. No solutions, just sympathy.

I guess they will grow out of this in a few years, so we have that to look forward to.

The people criticizing you don’t get how demoralizing it is. You sacrifice & do things for them every day, & just get the “I hate my life” version of your DC. Sure, we can practice “in one ear & out the other”, but no one truly enjoys a constant stream of negativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she verbally abusing you or is she just venting about her day? If the former, not at all acceptable and I would give her the silent treatment while she does it and maybe turn on some music to zone her out. If the latter, why are you so upset about it? Teenagers have Big Feelings and you are her safe place. Just let it in one ear and out the other unless she asks for advice. She will figure it out, this too shall pass.

It’s what journals, music, exercise and friends are for. Mothers cannot be everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she verbally abusing you or is she just venting about her day? If the former, not at all acceptable and I would give her the silent treatment while she does it and maybe turn on some music to zone her out. If the latter, why are you so upset about it? Teenagers have Big Feelings and you are her safe place. Just let it in one ear and out the other unless she asks for advice. She will figure it out, this too shall pass.

+1. Can't see why you are letting this bother you so much. Also be glad she's telling you about the things she's going through rather than shutting you out

Op here- I have wondered this myself. It just spikes my own anxiety and mood. Like, when she’s stressed and upset, I find myself feeling similarly.

I mean, partly I also just resent having someone I bend over backwards for all the time constantly complain about the life I am providing- that part is grating.

But when she has spikes of tension and strong ups and downs, I feel it too- like I’m being pulled along side. I have always chalked it up to this is what happens when your kid feels connected with you. But then I circle back to the part that I resent it!

Does everyone else not get affected by their kids moods?

Nope, I am the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. DD is 14. She is a doll to the world and can be straight up wrank with me. I don’t mind her venting to me. I want her to talk to me. But I do mind her reaction to anything I say in those moments: I don’t understand, I’m clueless, I’m weird, plus lots of eye rolling and looks of contempt to round it all out. Plus, I too feel incredibly stressed and worried when she’s unhappy. I can’t help it. I have always soaked up the emotions of others and experiencing that with my own teenaged dd has been some superhuman, supersonic, nuclear empath level shit that sometimes feels like it will kill me.

I hear the OP and I hear you especially, PP, as a fellow empath.
Sometimes I feel like a stereotypical man who thinks I am supposed to fix her problems - and I think she thinks it, too.

I don't have a solution but one thing that helps me is to ask myself (and her) if she is mad at me, or mad at the situation? (Is it personal or not). I think that may help her clarify for herself sometimes. If she is just venting and mad at the world, I can validate her emotions which sometimes means the complaining stops earlier.

Also my therapist told me to really try to be aware of the senses that are going on at that moment (what is the texture on her shirt, what do I hear, things I smell)> I am not sure why but it sort of works to remove myself from the situation ironically.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP.
But, speaking of validating:
I also get yelled at when I try to understand, "oh, it sounds really frustrating that XYZ"
NO MOM YOU DON"T GET IT IT"S THIS!!

[Anonymous]

When this happens at the end of the day, my guess is the school environment is stressing them out. They may dislike the school or someone there may be giving them a hard time.

My teen cries a lot instead of getting angry. I listen and validate. While mine doesn’t yell, they can be a little snappy and sound frustrated.

I had to train myself not to absorb the emotions. It took practice but I can mostly do it now and let their feelings wash over and past me, so I’m not holding them.

[Anonymous]

The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Immediate PP.
But, speaking of validating:
I also get yelled at when I try to understand, "oh, it sounds really frustrating that XYZ"
NO MOM YOU DON"T GET IT IT"S THIS!!

Next time try stopping at "oh."
Possible options:
Oh
Wow
Huh
Really?
Mmmm

[Anonymous]

I was doing this for my DD. One day it occurred to me...we have set up a pattern..what was going to happen when she went to school/job, etc. So I transitioned her (slowly) to shorter "rant sessions", and bought her a "feelings journal". Talked to her about taking ownership of this. It's still a work in progress. But...we have both come a good way. GL.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation with DD and frankly couldn’t take it anymore. Turns out she had untreated anxiety and we got her a therapist and anxiety meds. Made a world of difference. Even if your DD doesn’t have anxiety consider a therapist our counselor for her if you think it would help her.