I'm sick of being the punching bag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that the best way to handle with my kids is to chime in minimally with empathy, say I get it, it sounds tough... Dor dd who likes hugs I give a hug, for ds a pat on the back, I make them a nice snack. I don't talk much and let them feel heard. Then I notice they are a LOT calmer. It's hard to do and requires really detaching emotionally in my head to actually not feel too much empathy or worry: they can sense my anxiousness when I am anxious and feed off of it.

This. I try not to talk much unless I’m asked for my opinion and then I try to keep it very neutral unless it’s a safety issue.

[Anonymous]

NP. You need to tell her how you feel. Her lack of consideration and appreciation for you is not acceptable. It might snap her out of it.

I feel like my DD (13) would behave similarly, but I don't let her. I also put things into perspective by telling her about my own childhood spent in poverty in another country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that the best way to handle with my kids is to chime in minimally with empathy, say I get it, it sounds tough... Dor dd who likes hugs I give a hug, for ds a pat on the back, I make them a nice snack. I don't talk much and let them feel heard. Then I notice they are a LOT calmer. It's hard to do and requires really detaching emotionally in my head to actually not feel too much empathy or worry: they can sense my anxiousness when I am anxious and feed off of it.

This. I try not to talk much unless I’m asked for my opinion and then I try to keep it very neutral unless it’s a safety issue.

DP.

Tiptoing around your children builds up resentment in you. Remind yourself that you are the boss, you lead the way, you set the tone. It is a privilege for them to benefit from hearing your wisdom and life experience.

If you play the slave, they will not respect you. However, they need a leader and a role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that the best way to handle with my kids is to chime in minimally with empathy, say I get it, it sounds tough... Dor dd who likes hugs I give a hug, for ds a pat on the back, I make them a nice snack. I don't talk much and let them feel heard. Then I notice they are a LOT calmer. It's hard to do and requires really detaching emotionally in my head to actually not feel too much empathy or worry: they can sense my anxiousness when I am anxious and feed off of it.

This. I try not to talk much unless I’m asked for my opinion and then I try to keep it very neutral unless it’s a safety issue.

DP.

Tiptoing around your children builds up resentment in you. Remind yourself that you are the boss, you lead the way, you set the tone. It is a privilege for them to benefit from hearing your wisdom and life experience.

If you play the slave, they will not respect you. However, they need a leader and a role model.

These last 2 comments along with all of the others is a great example of the “American /Non-Americans raising teens” thread. As a 2nd generation, I see validity in both sides. And I sometimes struggle with what path I want to take.

Teens are complex developing individuals that need our nurturing and support. But yes, they should also respect parents/trusted adults and their wisdom. Both things are true but are often conflicting in practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that the best way to handle with my kids is to chime in minimally with empathy, say I get it, it sounds tough... Dor dd who likes hugs I give a hug, for ds a pat on the back, I make them a nice snack. I don't talk much and let them feel heard. Then I notice they are a LOT calmer. It's hard to do and requires really detaching emotionally in my head to actually not feel too much empathy or worry: they can sense my anxiousness when I am anxious and feed off of it.

This. I try not to talk much unless I’m asked for my opinion and then I try to keep it very neutral unless it’s a safety issue.

DP.

Tiptoing around your children builds up resentment in you. Remind yourself that you are the boss, you lead the way, you set the tone. It is a privilege for them to benefit from hearing your wisdom and life experience.

If you play the slave, they will not respect you. However, they need a leader and a role model.

It's not about tiptoeing. Most teen situations do not require the giving of wisdom, in the moment, when someone is upset. You have to guide your children generally but not micromanage little interactions.

[Anonymous]

Don't know if this helps, but my DD at that age shared NOTHING. Barely spoke to me. We had a very transactional relationship: she needs to go to X; will I call her an Uber? It's so and so's birthday--can she go to the sleepover and have $$ to buy a gift? Etc. I felt like a wallet. Sure I asked questions and got monosyllabic responses or "I don't know." There's a saying: "We lose our girls at 13; they return at 18." It's been true, in my case. Good luck, OP. It's not about you--it's about life.