What should I expect from my tween/teen kids as I support my aging parents?

[Anonymous]

I've recently become very involved in elder care for my parents; both are very sick and one probably doesn't have much time left. I work full time (from home) and my folks live close by, so I often go there during the work day and work from their home and help out as I am able (meds, groceries, cleaning, cooking, etc). I am back home by the time my kids arrive (4 pm) and do most of the ECs + HW support + cleaning (spouse shops and cooks). My kids each do 2-3 ECs. Recently, the older kid wants to add an another activity, which will involve more driving on my part. She would definitely get home later, which means they'd also start hw later, which means I'd be "on call" for later in the evening - this is mainly for subjects they need more support in (like math and science). I was helping one child with their trig until 11:15 on Thurs, for example. I want to say "no way, Jose" to this new activity. Meanwhile, my younger kid also wants to host more playdates (we host about 1 a week for each kid), but I've been trying to limit that as well, because I AM SO TIRED. Spouse fully supports limiting everything for the kids but I am feeling rather guilty. Like I guess I am choosing helping my parents over subscribing to more kids' activities and that is making me feel torn as I am disappointing the kids. They definitely complain that I don't take them to all their desired activities or host all the fun stuff. Is it too much to expect them to feel empathy? Or am I prioritizing my parents when I should be fully prioritizing my kids ?

[Anonymous]

Say no. 2-3 ECs is plenty, and no child should be up that late doing homework. They need to sleep. It's important for their mental health.

Playdates schmaydates.

Your children are old enough to understand that they don't get everything they want in life, and that their "wants" are not going to take a priority over elder-care for people who are in life's very last stage. It's a valuable thing for them to learn. Have no guilt whatsoever about providing that kind of experience to them. Tell them no, and mean it.

[Anonymous]

You are a single mother?

If not the question should be "what should I expect from my H as I support my aging parents"

What is the financial situation, you should look into support to help with your parents.

I would not limit the kids. I'd find help with your parents, a carpool, get a tutor to help with schoolwork if necessary and ask my spouse to step it up.

[Anonymous]

To start, you should expect more from your spouse. Only shopping and cooking is not enough here.

[Anonymous]

Do you have siblings?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't even matter that you have your parents - saying no to kids is reasonable. Life is life. Get use to it.

Good friends of ours ~ their kids couldn't do an activity unless they could get themselves there. In high school I saw them riding their bike, always.

They turned out ok, well actually. Sure, they complained.

[Anonymous]

I was the kid in this scenario and my mom was the sandwich. Luckily she knew it was developmentally appropriate for the kids to have no empathy for her.

It was hard for everyone but she didn’t make it worse by expecting us to be anything other than normal kids who did not appreciate what she was doing to try to take care of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Your number 1 priority is keeping your sanity and you home life sane and healthy. Next is your parents. Your kids don't need endless activities, but they matter a lot. Your husband may already be over-extended-you know better than we do and it's not for DCUM to judge him, it's your marriage to make work.

I would look into options to throw money at the situation with your parents. Hire someone to help them with those things so you don't do it as often and can just be relaxed and enjoy whatever time you have left with your parents. Why not get an aide and an helper for them? Of course they want you, but seeing them less and not being so stressed means they get a more relaxed and loving you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario and my mom was the sandwich. Luckily she knew it was developmentally appropriate for the kids to have no empathy for her.

It was hard for everyone but she didn’t make it worse by expecting us to be anything other than normal kids who did not appreciate what she was doing to try to take care of everyone.

Yes, teens do not have a ton of empathy for parental struggles. That doesn't mean that OP should say yes to everything. OP is perfectly entitled to set boundaries and it is "developmentally appropriate" for teens to learn to accept them and accept that they can't have and do everything that they want.

There's something about the tone of the quoted message that suggests that mothers should be martyrs, that her own mother understood that it was her duty to suffer for her kids' sake. That's a really unhealthy mentality. OP has every right to take care of herself and say no, and for the majority of history, children understood that everyone in the family has rules and responsibilities and family life doesn't revolve around their extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings?

People always ask this and it really doesn't matter. If someone is posting they probably have already asked siblings or siblings have made their boundaries clear. You cannot force siblings to do a certain amount. Better to use the parent's money to hire more help and if there isn't money then maybe consult with siblings about what you all are willing to pay for. Help helps and parents can live a loooong time in a miserable state. It's a lot easier to be loving toward them and enjoy the time with them when you aren't all that stuff and seeing them so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've recently become very involved in elder care for my parents; both are very sick and one probably doesn't have much time left. I work full time (from home) and my folks live close by, so I often go there during the work day and work from their home and help out as I am able (meds, groceries, cleaning, cooking, etc). I am back home by the time my kids arrive (4 pm) and do most of the ECs + HW support + cleaning (spouse shops and cooks). My kids each do 2-3 ECs. Recently, the older kid wants to add an another activity, which will involve more driving on my part. She would definitely get home later, which means they'd also start hw later, which means I'd be "on call" for later in the evening - this is mainly for subjects they need more support in (like math and science). I was helping one child with their trig until 11:15 on Thurs, for example. I want to say "no way, Jose" to this new activity. Meanwhile, my younger kid also wants to host more playdates (we host about 1 a week for each kid), but I've been trying to limit that as well, because I AM SO TIRED. Spouse fully supports limiting everything for the kids but I am feeling rather guilty. Like I guess I am choosing helping my parents over subscribing to more kids' activities and that is making me feel torn as I am disappointing the kids. They definitely complain that I don't take them to all their desired activities or host all the fun stuff. Is it too much to expect them to feel empathy? Or am I prioritizing my parents when I should be fully prioritizing my kids ?

You don't say their exact ages, but they sound old enough to have it explained to them rationally and maturely. You are spending a lot of energy caring for your parents' health problems. Grandpa is getting sicker and doesn't have much time left. You are home as often as you can, but you are at capacity and can't add things. If there is another way to make it happen (e.g., kid organizes ride from someone else in activity, kid takes the bus, etc.), you can talk about that, but this spring, you cannot take on any more driving. You can support younger kid in spending more time with friends and developing more independence. There is no reason that play dates should involve a ton of energy for you with older kids. If you are concerned about the upkeep of the house, they can also understand that if they want things like play dates and rides places, they can facilitate that by doing some of the other things that need doing, such as cleaning up etc.

It is okay for you to prioritize the needs of your parents right now. You also have a need to care for them at the end of their lives. Your kids may not understand or relate to that because they are kids, but they are old enough to at least understand why you are less available than you were/will be. My daughter was 12 the summer my dad died. I only had about 2 months of the acute stress part as he passed quickly once the end began. My daughter was annoyed that she could not XYZ, that I was not able to prioritize hanging out with her, that I was traveling a lot, etc. but she understood "Mom's dad is dying/died and she has to take care of other parts of her family right now" enough to not be jerk about it, which was enough for me.

[Anonymous]

You have two separate issues- you are juggling taking care of your parents and work during the day, and very busy kids and family life at night. If you can afford it hire someone to go help your parents during the work week- most places require a four hour minimum and run $30-$35, cheaper if you hire them directly.

For meds, switch to Amazon Pillpack- they sort the pills by when they’re prescribed and not by individual prescription. All your parent needs to do is open up the package and take the contents. Order Walmart delivery for groceries directly to your parents house. It’s free with Walmart + or American Express Platinum and they don’t upcharge on the cost of the groceries. The helper can clean and cook for them. This will at least free you up for the emergencies and will take the mundane tasks off your plate.

For your kids, no kid needs more than 2-3 extracurriculars and no kid should be finishing homework at 11:15. Frankly they sound over scheduled as it is. You should set a limit lik one per semester or season. And one playdate a week per kid that you host is plenty. If the younger one wants more play dates tell him to get invited somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Ours are in many activities and we don't limit. Why can't your spouse help? Can your parents afford some help? What are the activities?

[Anonymous]

They can feel empathy and yet still want to live their lives. Their life is not supposed to stop because someone else's is winding down.

[Anonymous]

Most trig students are sophomores, juniors, or seniors - if your teen falls into this age group, you need to start pulling back so they can develop the independence they’ll need for college. Helping with a tough assignment here & there is part of parenting, but if you are pulling HW support duty on a weekly basis for a high schooler, you need to pull back so they can grow. If DC is struggling & needs personalized support, hire a tutor - and so that may take precedence over the new activity they want to do. If DC is not truly struggling but has just gotten reliant on you correcting their HW, it is time to gently remove yourself & assure them that they have the skills & abilities to handle this on their own.
This will be good for you & them, truly.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but I sense that you are a great mother who has done a lot for them - now is the time to let them try out handling more on their own. Definitely with the HW, they need to develop those skills to make it in college. They are not goi g to do this by themselves, you need to push them to be resilient.

And do t feel bad about the play dates for younger - 1 is great.