Reply to What should I expect from my tween/teen kids as I support my aging parents?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've recently become very involved in elder care for my parents; both are very sick and one probably doesn't have much time left. I work full time (from home) and my folks live close by, so I often go there during the work day and work from their home and help out as I am able (meds, groceries, cleaning, cooking, etc). I am back home by the time my kids arrive (4 pm) and do most of the ECs + HW support + cleaning (spouse shops and cooks). My kids each do 2-3 ECs. Recently, the older kid wants to add an another activity, which will involve more driving on my part.  She would definitely get home later, which means they'd also start hw later, which means I'd be "on call"  for later in the evening - this is mainly for subjects they need more support in (like math and science). I was helping one child with their trig until 11:15 on Thurs, for example.  I want to say "no way, Jose" to this new activity. Meanwhile, my younger kid also wants to host more playdates (we host about 1 a week for each kid), but I've been trying to limit that as well, because I AM SO TIRED.  Spouse fully supports limiting everything for the kids but I am feeling rather guilty. Like I guess I am choosing helping my parents over subscribing to more kids' activities and that is making me feel torn as I am disappointing the kids. They definitely complain that I don't take them to all their desired activities or host all the fun stuff. Is it too much to expect them to feel empathy? Or am I prioritizing my parents when I should be fully prioritizing my kids ? [/quote]

You don't say their exact ages, but they sound old enough to have it explained to them rationally and maturely. You are spending a lot of energy caring for your parents' health problems. Grandpa is getting sicker and doesn't have much time left. You are home as often as you can, but you are at capacity and can't add things. If there is another way to make it happen (e.g., kid organizes ride from someone else in activity, kid takes the bus, etc.), you can talk about that, but this spring, you cannot take on any more driving. You can support younger kid in spending more time with friends and developing more independence. There is no reason that play dates should involve a ton of energy for you with older kids. If you are concerned about the upkeep of the house, they can also understand that if they want things like play dates and rides places, they can facilitate that by doing some of the other things that need doing, such as cleaning up etc.

It is okay for you to prioritize the needs of your parents right now. You also have a need to care for them at the end of their lives. Your kids may not understand or relate to that because they are kids, but they are old enough to at least understand why you are less available than you were/will be. My daughter was 12 the summer my dad died. I only had about 2 months of the acute stress part as he passed quickly once the end began. My daughter was annoyed that she could not XYZ, that I was not able to prioritize hanging out with her, that I was traveling a lot, etc. but she understood "Mom's dad is dying/died and she has to take care of other parts of her family right now" enough to not be jerk about it, which was enough for me. [/quote]

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