What should I expect from my tween/teen kids as I support my aging parents?

[Anonymous]

You should say no but also not expect your kids to understand. They likewise wouldn’t understand if you had to say no because you were working too many hours at work or if you didn’t have the money, but sometimes you have to say no. And then you sort out your guilty feelings and try to find a way to not feel that anymore, but you probably can’t have a solution where everyone understands your limits and doesn’t grumble. You just have to set your limits and let them grumble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most trig students are sophomores, juniors, or seniors - if your teen falls into this age group, you need to start pulling back so they can develop the independence they’ll need for college. Helping with a tough assignment here & there is part of parenting, but if you are pulling HW support duty on a weekly basis for a high schooler, you need to pull back so they can grow. If DC is struggling & needs personalized support, hire a tutor - and so that may take precedence over the new activity they want to do. If DC is not truly struggling but has just gotten reliant on you correcting their HW, it is time to gently remove yourself & assure them that they have the skills & abilities to handle this on their own.
This will be good for you & them, truly.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but I sense that you are a great mother who has done a lot for them - now is the time to let them try out handling more on their own. Definitely with the HW, they need to develop those skills to make it in college. They are not goi g to do this by themselves, you need to push them to be resilient.

And do t feel bad about the play dates for younger - 1 is great.

Bad advice. Always help your kids with homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most trig students are sophomores, juniors, or seniors - if your teen falls into this age group, you need to start pulling back so they can develop the independence they’ll need for college. Helping with a tough assignment here & there is part of parenting, but if you are pulling HW support duty on a weekly basis for a high schooler, you need to pull back so they can grow. If DC is struggling & needs personalized support, hire a tutor - and so that may take precedence over the new activity they want to do. If DC is not truly struggling but has just gotten reliant on you correcting their HW, it is time to gently remove yourself & assure them that they have the skills & abilities to handle this on their own.
This will be good for you & them, truly.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but I sense that you are a great mother who has done a lot for them - now is the time to let them try out handling more on their own. Definitely with the HW, they need to develop those skills to make it in college. They are not goi g to do this by themselves, you need to push them to be resilient.

And do t feel bad about the play dates for younger - 1 is great.

Bad advice. Always help your kids with homework.

Eh, I mean I agree in theory but a lot of us can’t help with trig because we can’t do it! I’m in a somewhat similar situation at the moment with an aging parent and teens so I feel for OP. If you can throw $$$ at the problem, by getting the parents help or getting the teen a tutor I would definitely recommend it. It doesn’t mean you don’t help with trig if you can but maybe with a tutor the teen won’t need as much help.

I think the new activity really depends on what it is and how important. People with younger kids may not appreciate this but activities for teens can be a big deal, including for college and such so I might try to make it work but it would be activity specific, like something that builds off of an existing activity and you understand why it’s important. The play date thing I’m not as clear on - how old are the kids and how does that impact you?

But overall I hear you because I’m in the midst of this as well. I haven’t had to ask my kids to forego anything (older teens) but my life is pretty much total drudgery between parent, work and home tasks. Im trying to build in small moments of enjoyment into my day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario and my mom was the sandwich. Luckily she knew it was developmentally appropriate for the kids to have no empathy for her.

It was hard for everyone but she didn’t make it worse by expecting us to be anything other than normal kids who did not appreciate what she was doing to try to take care of everyone.

Yes, teens do not have a ton of empathy for parental struggles. That doesn't mean that OP should say yes to everything. OP is perfectly entitled to set boundaries and it is "developmentally appropriate" for teens to learn to accept them and accept that they can't have and do everything that they want.

There's something about the tone of the quoted message that suggests that mothers should be martyrs, that her own mother understood that it was her duty to suffer for her kids' sake. That's a really unhealthy mentality. OP has every right to take care of herself and say no, and for the majority of history, children understood that everyone in the family has rules and responsibilities and family life doesn't revolve around their extracurriculars.

I’m just saying that back then I would cry when she was supposed to pick me up somewhere and forgot because she was taking care of my grandmother. And she didn’t get mad at me about it, which was probably the right move. I’ve told her later as an adult that I realize now what she was doing was hard but I was a kid then and I didn’t understand and she said she knows that!

[Anonymous]

I would evaluate my financial situation and work. I say this only as many here are very wealthy and can adjust that part.

[Anonymous]

Do not add on more kid stuff. They're already doing plenty.

Your spouse should be pulling a little more weight at home.

[Anonymous]

Teens and young adults do not have that empathy and awareness.

[Anonymous]

If you worked outside the home they wouldn’t be able to do all those ECs. What if one activity overlaps another? I think it’s the right thing to teach kids that being part of a family means everyone lends a hand. Ask them to brainstorm ways to make things work so they can see that these decisions are difficult and pleasing everyone is usually impossible.

It may be hard to teach them empathy now because they’re going to equate caring for others with time taken away from their own things. Please do the best you can though because selfish kids become entitled adults.

[Anonymous]

I totally regret spending too much time with my mother who has dementia instead of spending that time with my husband and kids. It can little by little become all encompassing. It’s like death by 1,000 cuts or a frog in a pot of water where the temperature slowly get turned up.

I was so run down and went to my doctor who said it is absolutely not sustainable and I was ruining my health. He says he sees so many women in their late 40’s/early 50’s who start taking on helping their parents out and say it is just until things get more settled and then lo and behold it’s five years later and they have given up way too much of themselves, their health has been affected, have had stressful relationships with spouses, missed out on their kids, etc. He said you need to stop.

So I did. I stopped trying to save them money by doing everything. I stepped back and they had to use their money to hire help, I stopped taking them to dr. Appts, stopped cleaning for them, set up automatic deposits, automatic pill delivery, stopped going over daily to once a week. That forced them to move to assisted living.

[Anonymous]

I agree that both ends of this puzzle need outside support if you have the resources (and definitely more spousal support if all he is doing is shopping and cooking, and he should be outsourcing shopping to a service, not going to the store).

Your most valuable contribution you can give to your parents and to your kids is your time -- not to be spent in busywork but to spend the limited time you have with them in the moment as much as possible, not just running around and doing errands. Your time will run out with your parents because they're elderly and going to die, and your time will run out with your kids because they will graduate and go to college and then launch as adults on their own, and it is different when they do that.

I know I don't have enough money to buy my way out of every problem, but take a step back and look at what you can outsource for not very much money (PP had great advice on Amazon Pillpack, Walmart groceries etc.) or some money well worth it (i.e., tutors if your kid is struggling in a subject).

You're doing a ton but query whether you'd all be better off if others could do more to let you put a little more focus on what's most important about these relationships.

[Anonymous]

Op I would hire a trig tutor online for one child.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you are doing is modeling for your children when you are older. You can view that as a good thing because they will see that you are respecting and taking care of your parents. This shows them that they will do the same.

That said agree with the above comments (in no order):
1) By high school you should not be helping your kids with their HW so much. I agree with transitioning away from that.
2) Your DH should be doing more
3) Teens aren't that empathic in general, but they can learn along the way to ask how you are doing.
4) Only you can judge what can really fit in for the ECs. But it's not being a good parent to be running around ragged for your kids if they are already doing ECs. They don't need to be running around ragged either. Maybe there are carpool options? Maybe there are other transportation options? Maybe DH can pick this up as one of the things? No matter what, it's not going to make or brake them in any way.
5) I disagree re playdates at your house. It's ok for your kids to want to have friends over. I would prioritize that if you don't have to do that much. By HS they usually just go to the den or playroom or whatever to hang out. You're not really required beyond making sure there are snacks in the house. So this seems like an easy one.

Good luck. You're a good daughter and this is a hard time in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To start, you should expect more from your spouse. Only shopping and cooking is not enough here.

Totally. I would also say,"your grandparents are old and ill. They are the priority right now."

[Anonymous]

I would have the eldest signed up for driver education the second she turns 16.

You can explain that it is a season of life thing and it won't always be this way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally regret spending too much time with my mother who has dementia instead of spending that time with my husband and kids. It can little by little become all encompassing. It’s like death by 1,000 cuts or a frog in a pot of water where the temperature slowly get turned up.

I was so run down and went to my doctor who said it is absolutely not sustainable and I was ruining my health. He says he sees so many women in their late 40’s/early 50’s who start taking on helping their parents out and say it is just until things get more settled and then lo and behold it’s five years later and they have given up way too much of themselves, their health has been affected, have had stressful relationships with spouses, missed out on their kids, etc. He said you need to stop.

So I did. I stopped trying to save them money by doing everything. I stepped back and they had to use their money to hire help, I stopped taking them to dr. Appts, stopped cleaning for them, set up automatic deposits, automatic pill delivery, stopped going over daily to once a week. That forced them to move to assisted living.

There is something to be said for prioritizing the people who have most of their lives ahead of them.