Living separate lives - bad for kids?

[Anonymous]

I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

[Anonymous]

50-50 custody is worse. Separate lives easier. We did that before divorce for almost the entire marriage

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine if you can still be friends, or at least on good terms. If there is a lot of animosity and hostility it is not a good scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

Like she will marry some amazing DH in her late 30s with TWO toddlers. The “model marriage” cruise ship sailed 5 years ago.

I'd rather be a single parent than be married in a bad marriage.

You only get to say this if you are divorced. It is equally bad with shared custody. It is a fallacy that it is freedom and better…it is not.

Signed 9 more years of coparenting hell

[Anonymous]

Low conflict marriages are fine for children.

They learn to respect people even if you don’t always see eye to eye on things.

If you described hate and conflict I’d say get divorced.

You love your family more than your own selfish needs. Good for you,

[Anonymous]

Frankly, your relationship with your spouse is none of your children's business. Children practically never see their parents as individuals with needs. They see the primarily as resources to be consumed.

If the marriage is low conflict and you can treat each other as positive roommates, I don't see why you should separate. Parenting solo is hard and your lifestyle will tank.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm in a similar situation with much older kids but my husband is less helpful around the house. My husband developed mental health issues during thr marriage which i never saw coming. I tried working on saving the marriage for many years but have fixed my focus to working on dealing with living with him and moving on, knowing this relationship will never bring me satisfaction. However, I have chosen this over splitting custody and only seeing my kids half the time. And also the unknown of whether my husband would remarry and being step siblings into the equation. That in my mind is worse than my current predicament- .

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to fix your marriage? I find it hard to believe you married and had two kids with someone who doesn't have enough redeeming qualities to try to fix what's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried to fix your marriage? I find it hard to believe you married and had two kids with someone who doesn't have enough redeeming qualities to try to fix what's wrong.

Not OP. I despise when people say this. A lot of kids are not planned. Having kids is not an indicator that the relationship is or was good—it is an indication that people had sex once.

[Anonymous]

Parenting young kids can kill libido and compatibility. If its amicable and both are okay with it, live like friendly roommates for now and gradually start working getting back to romance and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50-50 custody is worse. Separate lives easier. We did that before divorce for almost the entire marriage

I think the vast majority of women who file for divorce don’t realize the pain of seeing their kids only 50 percent of the time. Men come out winners here because they were Half involved during the marriage anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50-50 custody is worse. Separate lives easier. We did that before divorce for almost the entire marriage

I think the vast majority of women who file for divorce don’t realize the pain of seeing their kids only 50 percent of the time. Men come out winners here because they were Half involved during the marriage anyways.

It is not “pain” of not seeing kids…I had zero time married because I never got a break.

It is the increased communication with the formerly helpless spouse and logistics of 2 houses that is the problem. We communicated less when married and no logistics issues. It is actually harder.

[Anonymous]

You have a marriage where you are parenting together in a civil manner. Two toddlers? Dead bedroom? Yup. That happens because you are exhausted.

You are co-parenting and civil to each other. You are doing fine. I know that you do not want to hear this but my suggestion is that show warmth, politeness, care and concern for your husband (fake it till you make it) like you would for a friend or a sibling. Trust me, it will help you to reconnect after some time again.

I have been married for 35 years. I have certainly fallen in and out of love with my DH several times. The worst stage was when our kids were little. But, each time that we reconnected or fell in love again, our connection grew stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this situation. You have no idea the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders when you stop pretending and start living your own, separate life. I will never be able to model a good marriage for my girls - but I can model having financial independence, a fulfilling career, and a happy life full of wonderful female friendships, hobbies, and community connections. If you have all those things then a good marriage is a cherry on top for sure, but not necessary.

I'm a pp in a low conflict, patenting marriage. I have a great career that gives me financial independence, and my situation necessitates I have wonderful female and male friendships, hobbies and strong community connections. I don't have the cherry of a "good marriage" but I still have a sundae with whipped cream and warm chocolate sauce. My life, and my kids lives, are still pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are teaching by example what they should look for in a spouse, and what they should be in a spouse. I would consider that. Is this the marriage you want them to have for themselves?

The odds of her kids or any kids of that matter marrying is honestly slim so I wouldn’t worry about it. Marriage is a dying institution. Look at the trends.

Yes and no.

It's alive a thriving in the upper classes (UC/UMC). In the MC and below, yep, you're right, there's no need for it, especially since ethe women do everything - earn the bacon then fry it.