Can't get over anger towards my mom

[Anonymous]

And I hate feeling this way. Exasperated dealing with someone in her 90s. Resent that I have to help her financially. She has made a lifetime of bad decisions and I feel like I am paying for them. Worst one? After my dad died, she stayed in their house for 15 years while her money drained.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. But she is in her 90s. Assuming she isn't one of these super geriatrics, she won't live that much longer.

You are paying for her mistake. But find a balance between what you can afford (though don't want to pay) and what you are willing to pay in order to avoid regret after she is gone.

[Anonymous]

I get it. I really do. Are there little steps you can take? If you are exasperated with your interactions, maybe visit less and have a volunteer organization visit her? Is she part of a religious institution?

How long have relatives on her side lived? If you have a bunch who lived to the 100s, talk with the council on aging to find out your options for her if you can't afford to contribute and save for your own retirement/have your own emergency fund, etc. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm and if it is a struggle to help her, find out what is available if you need to stop or decrease.

I am sorry. It is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. But she is in her 90s. Assuming she isn't one of these super geriatrics, she won't live that much longer.

You are paying for her mistake. But find a balance between what you can afford (though don't want to pay) and what you are willing to pay in order to avoid regret after she is gone.

I'm trying. But I also have my own expenses and want to retire in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. But she is in her 90s. Assuming she isn't one of these super geriatrics, she won't live that much longer.

You are paying for her mistake. But find a balance between what you can afford (though don't want to pay) and what you are willing to pay in order to avoid regret after she is gone.

I'm trying. But I also have my own expenses and want to retire in a year or two.

I really hear you. It is so hard. I would not do everything she thinks she needs. I would not make her life super great. That was her responsibility. But it will be over.

Also, do you have kids. You want to set an example, both of being responsible and of ensuring your own retirement. Such a delicate balance when there isn't unlimited funds.

I don't know the exact answer, and I didn't have to do it by myself, I have siblings, but I really didn't think i would survive it. Now, on the other side, as resentful as I am, I am equally grateful that I did what I could do.

How healthy is she? if she is still healthy and this looks longer term, then you can look into spending down her assets and going on Medicaid.

It's rough, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. But she is in her 90s. Assuming she isn't one of these super geriatrics, she won't live that much longer.

You are paying for her mistake. But find a balance between what you can afford (though don't want to pay) and what you are willing to pay in order to avoid regret after she is gone.

I'm trying. But I also have my own expenses and want to retire in a year or two.

I really hear you. It is so hard. I would not do everything she thinks she needs. I would not make her life super great. That was her responsibility. But it will be over.

Also, do you have kids. You want to set an example, both of being responsible and of ensuring your own retirement. Such a delicate balance when there isn't unlimited funds.

I don't know the exact answer, and I didn't have to do it by myself, I have siblings, but I really didn't think i would survive it. Now, on the other side, as resentful as I am, I am equally grateful that I did what I could do.

How healthy is she? if she is still healthy and this looks longer term, then you can look into spending down her assets and going on Medicaid.

It's rough, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm the PP here again. I will add that we were going to retire, but had to keep working. it has actually worked out better to have kept working, especially now on the other side. It has put us in a strong financial situation by continuing to work. Though I get dealing with it all AND working is super difficult. But it can also give you a bit of an out. Sorry, mom, I have work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I really do. Are there little steps you can take? If you are exasperated with your interactions, maybe visit less and have a volunteer organization visit her? Is she part of a religious institution?

How long have relatives on her side lived? If you have a bunch who lived to the 100s, talk with the council on aging to find out your options for her if you can't afford to contribute and save for your own retirement/have your own emergency fund, etc. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm and if it is a struggle to help her, find out what is available if you need to stop or decrease.

I am sorry. It is hard.

OP, I'm the other PP. I just read this PP's advice. It really is good. You might have to find other resources to help your mom.

[Anonymous]

If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I hate feeling this way. Exasperated dealing with someone in her 90s. Resent that I have to help her financially. She has made a lifetime of bad decisions and I feel like I am paying for them. Worst one? After my dad died, she stayed in their house for 15 years while her money drained.

I’m SO with you on this. You have a right to that anger, given you’ve been personally financially affected. People who tell you to say no don’t understand that in a lot of states, there are elder abuse laws and will not hesitate to try and charge you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I hate feeling this way. Exasperated dealing with someone in her 90s. Resent that I have to help her financially. She has made a lifetime of bad decisions and I feel like I am paying for them. Worst one? After my dad died, she stayed in their house for 15 years while her money drained.

I’m SO with you on this. You have a right to that anger, given you’ve been personally financially affected. People who tell you to say no don’t understand that in a lot of states, there are elder abuse laws and will not hesitate to try and charge you.

That's not how elder abuse laws work and nobody is telling her to do anything that falls under abuse. Maybe you are thinking of filial/responsibility/piety laws, but those are rarely used and vary by state and likely do not apply here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

I’m not sure this is true. Some threads on this site indicate that parents think their retirement plan is their kids. That is totally irresponsible and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Need more information. Is she still in her home? Does she need assisted living? What are you paying for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more information. Is she still in her home? Does she need assisted living? What are you paying for?

She lives in a very small apartment in a high cost area. My spouse thinks she should move to a cheaper place, but where, South Dakota? She also gets SNAP but we found that she doesn't qualify for Medicaid because her SS check is $1,800/month.

I pay about $500/month for things like utilities, cleaning supplies, etc.

The anger isn't just from the money, but the endless history of bad decisions. I told her for years to get out of the house because it was sinking everyone. It's as if she tries to fail on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more information. Is she still in her home? Does she need assisted living? What are you paying for?

She lives in a very small apartment in a high cost area. My spouse thinks she should move to a cheaper place, but where, South Dakota? She also gets SNAP but we found that she doesn't qualify for Medicaid because her SS check is $1,800/month.

I pay about $500/month for things like utilities, cleaning supplies, etc.

The anger isn't just from the money, but the endless history of bad decisions. I told her for years to get out of the house because it was sinking everyone. It's as if she tries to fail on purpose.

Well if south Dakota is cheaper than yes.
But there must be some outskirts to the high cost of living place that she could move to.
Yes, she may not want to do so, but if you can't pay for the additional cost anymore, she doesn't have a choice. It's not mean, it's reality.
Do you have any siblings that can help out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

I’m not sure this is true. Some threads on this site indicate that parents think their retirement plan is their kids. That is totally irresponsible and selfish.

My mom said this specifically. I have two sisters and it tore us apart. Luckily we are now on the path forward with our relationship intact. I also don't know where she got the idea that we were supposed to take care of her since neither she nor my dad did any sort of elder care--they had both moved away and there were many siblings who were more involved.