Can't get over anger towards my mom

[Anonymous]

You need to force the issue with her house. Either she sells or rents it and lives with you or in a board and care. She needs money to pay for her final years. If she lived with you, it would probably save you a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to force the issue with her house. Either she sells or rents it and lives with you or in a board and care. She needs money to pay for her final years. If she lived with you, it would probably save you a lot of money.

Really tone deaf to suggest OP move her mother in given the resentment and anger.

I agree with talking with a lawyer about her options that don't involve you giving her money anymore. You place her where she can afford to be and hopefully not having to be financially drained will mean you are less emotionally drained and can visit now and then to check on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

Incorrect.

+1 Not OP. My mother would love to have our entire life revolve around her as she gives commandments like a grand queen. Most of her outbursts are because she has no understanding the world does not revolve around her and we have jobs/kids/stressors/obligations beyond catering to her.

[Anonymous]

Stick her in a cheap nursing home, at this rate she won’t know the difference. You need to live the balance of your life without her on your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

I’m not sure this is true. Some threads on this site indicate that parents think their retirement plan is their kids. That is totally irresponsible and selfish.

My mom said this specifically. I have two sisters and it tore us apart. Luckily we are now on the path forward with our relationship intact. I also don't know where she got the idea that we were supposed to take care of her since neither she nor my dad did any sort of elder care--they had both moved away and there were many siblings who were more involved.

My dad just passed away in his late 80's. According to my mother, he promised her that: my sister was going to take care of her and that she could stay in her own home. She lives in the region of the country where we grew up, but none of us siblings currently lives there. He made no financial provision of any sort for my sister who is supposedly going to 'take care of mom', although he had the money to do so. So I guess he was assuing that my sister was independently wealthy and she was going to quit her job and leave her family in order ot move back to her hometown to take care of my mother in the ramshackle, falling down house that hadn'nt been maintained for over forty years? This promise regarding my sister was never discussed with my sister. It boggles the mind.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. My mother was a horrible parent, emotionally abusive to all of us and physically abusive to one of my brothers. Nothing I do, or anyone does, is good enough for her--she expects to be waited on, catered to, and entertained/attended to at all times. She screams and rages at everyone at the slightest discomfort/frustration. I have partially supported her the last several years, and now she is about to completely run out of money. My choices are to pay the entire bill (less social security) for her assisted living facility or to move her to a medicaid facility. I'm not sure I can bring myself to do the latter, but man do I resent having to fork over thousands a month to keep her where she is. She has drained so much from me over the past 50 years, and this is really the final indignity. It sucks and you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The post is over a year old and still dealing with this. Have no idea what to do. In my state, the maximum income level for Medicaid is $1,732/month and she gets a $1,930 social security check. She never worked outside the home so this is from my deceased father, who never made much money.

So what do I do? She has no assets yet doesn't qualify for Medicaid. What other resources are available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The post is over a year old and still dealing with this. Have no idea what to do. In my state, the maximum income level for Medicaid is $1,732/month and she gets a $1,930 social security check. She never worked outside the home so this is from my deceased father, who never made much money.

So what do I do? She has no assets yet doesn't qualify for Medicaid. What other resources are available?

Move to another state? Move to a cheaper apartment? Get her into a home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she could have made better decisions, she would have. She did not have the skills/ability to do better, for whatever reason. No one wants to be 90+ and depending on their kids. I say this because it is something that helps me not blame people for poor decision-making that affects me, YMMV.

Incorrect.

+1 Not OP. My mother would love to have our entire life revolve around her as she gives commandments like a grand queen. Most of her outbursts are because she has no understanding the world does not revolve around her and we have jobs/kids/stressors/obligations beyond catering to her.

They get like that as they get older. I think it must be scary for them to be so dependent on others. You become a life raft of sorts that they cling to. It’s hard to be a life raft for someone else when there are so many waves coming at you from all directions .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The post is over a year old and still dealing with this. Have no idea what to do. In my state, the maximum income level for Medicaid is $1,732/month and she gets a $1,930 social security check. She never worked outside the home so this is from my deceased father, who never made much money.

So what do I do? She has no assets yet doesn't qualify for Medicaid. What other resources are available?

Talk to a lawyer. I think certain medical expenses can be used to drop her income down low enough to qualify for Medicaid. But talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The post is over a year old and still dealing with this. Have no idea what to do. In my state, the maximum income level for Medicaid is $1,732/month and she gets a $1,930 social security check. She never worked outside the home so this is from my deceased father, who never made much money.

So what do I do? She has no assets yet doesn't qualify for Medicaid. What other resources are available?

Talk to a lawyer. I think certain medical expenses can be used to drop her income down low enough to qualify for Medicaid. But talk to a lawyer.

OP here. Thank you for this suggestion! I did check and this might be possible with assistance from some non-profits near my mom that work on these types of issues. Unfortunately, with a lot of things like this, you don't know what you don't know.