Feel Deeply Unloved by Family

[Anonymous]

I am 50-something woman, wife, mother, successful professional. I feel so deeply unloved by my family or origin and cannot shake this feeling and how it impacts me still to this day. I’m from a mildly dysfunctional southern family, or maybe it’s a wildly dysfunctional family. My father is king dead from alcoholism. My mother is the kind of person everyone loves to be around, beautiful, engaging. She lives near my brother, who is also that kind of personality.

They routinely exclude me from things, discourage and even decline visits from me. It’s not that they don’t say they love me. They just don’t act like it. I feel so incredibly unloved by my mother and brother. Like the black sheep. By all outward measures, I should not feel this way. But I do. And it surely impacts my relationships with my husband and teenaged kids. What is going on with me?

[Anonymous]

OP, my family is different but the feeling is the same. I have never felt loved by them. My sister has always been hostile, but the others mostly are not. They simply don't care.

And I'm 43, and I thought I'd come to terms with it, but it feels harder every year now. It is a deep wound. I can't tell you how to fix it but I can tell you you are not alone in it

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with you.

Your mother is a failed mother. No matter how much other people like her, she is a failure as a mother. Any mother whose child feels unloved and excluded—and has been demonstrably excluded—is a bad mother. Full stop. So no matter how the rest of the world sees her as wonderful or a success, she is not: she is a failure as a mother, her most important role in life.

Your brother is less to blame, because he learned from her as a child that cozying up to her and excluding you had its rewards. He should have snapped out of that by adulthood, but still. It’s a pity he’s not a better brother or human being, but there you have it.

Don’t bother with them anymore. And ESPECIALLY don’t start taking care of her as she ages. She made her bed, and she only wanted your brother around. So don’t you pick up any slack. She wanted your brother, not you? Fine, that’s the way it will be.

Don’t call or invite them to anything. You can treat any invitations or call they might initiate on a case-by-case basis. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

[Anonymous]

You’re probably also in perimenopause. It really upsets the emotional apple cart!! Nothing is better or worse than before you’re just focusing on it more right now. Try to really stay in the moment and enjoy your own family and life. When you are 90, you’re going to look back and wish you had done that.

[Anonymous]

OP you are an adult child of an alcoholic. (google that phrase)

The alcoholic family dynamic is toxic (not just the alcoholic, but everyone, so in your case, your mom and brother)

Go to therapy, OP, so you can get to the place where you truly can let go of the relationships you *wanted* with your mom and brother, but that they cannot provide to you. You need to grieve what you never got, and can never have. Then you can move on and make those kind of relationships with other people in your life (like, your current family)

Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked them why (without being accusatory)?

Maybe they are busy, or you don’t have many common interests.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I feel the same, but I just want nothing to do with them and they keep wanting me to go back into my role. My mother should have stopped before having me. My job was to be the dumping group for all her problems and to make things look normal. Her favorite could do no wrong and I could no right. Now her favorite is a total mess and my mother just wants to take out her anger on me and make me fix everything.

I accepted from a young age my family was cray and spent most of my days at friend's houses. I went off to college and rarely came home. I wish we never moved near them for husband's work.

I spent decades trying to please and win love and now i am so over it. There are frequent attempts to suck me into their drama and I just won't go there. I know it's painful, but life gets better when you accept it sucks, it wasn't fair, but they just could not spare the love and then you focus on all the good in your life and only devote your time and energy to those who deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Op, everyone gets 2 chances to have a happy family: the one you're born into and the one you create. You've got one - the one you've created. Get your sh*t together and enjoy them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

I know; I read the OP. What's your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

I know; I read the OP. What's your point?

My point was that the PP sounded emotionally tone deaf just like OP’s mom and brother. I thought maybe you actually are those people!

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to this. No alcoholism in my family & we're not southern, but I feel excluded and unloved from my family. Always have. I am in my 50's and spent years trying to improve our relationship, but finally gave up and now am quite distant. It is such a relief not dealing with their mindgames and BS anymore. I'm not happy, but I have some peace of mind. But I have a huge hole in my heart. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 50-something woman, wife, mother, successful professional. I feel so deeply unloved by my family or origin and cannot shake this feeling and how it impacts me still to this day. I’m from a mildly dysfunctional southern family, or maybe it’s a wildly dysfunctional family. My father is king dead from alcoholism. My mother is the kind of person everyone loves to be around, beautiful, engaging. She lives near my brother, who is also that kind of personality.

They routinely exclude me from things, discourage and even decline visits from me. It’s not that they don’t say they love me. They just don’t act like it. I feel so incredibly unloved by my mother and brother. Like the black sheep. By all outward measures, I should not feel this way. But I do. And it surely impacts my relationships with my husband and teenaged kids. What is going on with me?

Communicate your feelings to your father, mom and brother. They may not know your love language and feel the same. What do you got to lose? If that doesn't help than see a therapist.

That being said, who cares if they don't. You are a grown woman, focus on your emotional health, physical fitness, kids, husband, home, career, hobbies, , charity work, social circle.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You will find helpful resources and literature at https://adultchildren.org/

If you try an online or in person meeting it will help you understand and unpack your history and free you from the past. You will hear familiar stories and it helps break the sense of shame and isolation.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/ is particularly helpful re: healing, on your own, with a therapist or with a small group, typically virtually. You can find such a group at the link above.

You may also find this of benefit

Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08KHS41K4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1, the scapegoat is a typical role in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.