Feel Deeply Unloved by Family

[Anonymous]

I feel sympathy for you but a 50 old needs to be more mature and practical.

[Anonymous]

NP. I feel a little uncomfortable reading this post. I have a sister like this. She lives out of town, has a lovely life of her own. Very busy with her life, work and kids. But she is different from the rest of us who live here in that all her daily experiences are different from ours. Part of it is she doesn't call to just chat. She only visits once a year during the holidays. When there are issues with parents, she isn't on the ground here to help.

We love her, and we don't exclude her per se, but she doesn't want to be in the thick of the day to day here. In reading your post I wonder if her feelings are hurt as well because when she does come there are a lot of stories about all the things we do that she is excluded from.

That said, it probably comes across as a whole lot more of togetherness than actually happens. We all have our own busy lives here as well. But we do see each other more than once a year that she sees us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel a little uncomfortable reading this post. I have a sister like this. She lives out of town, has a lovely life of her own. Very busy with her life, work and kids. But she is different from the rest of us who live here in that all her daily experiences are different from ours. Part of it is she doesn't call to just chat. She only visits once a year during the holidays. When there are issues with parents, she isn't on the ground here to help.

We love her, and we don't exclude her per se, but she doesn't want to be in the thick of the day to day here. In reading your post I wonder if her feelings are hurt as well because when she does come there are a lot of stories about all the things we do that she is excluded from.

That said, it probably comes across as a whole lot more of togetherness than actually happens. We all have our own busy lives here as well. But we do see each other more than once a year that she sees us.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. It seems like what you’re describing is not similar to my situation. Part of the exclusion I feel is because my mom and brother consistently decline my requests to come visit. I finally gave up this year after my mom declined my fourth request to come visit her, even offering to stay at a nearby hotel so as not to inconvenience her.

They don’t actively dislike me. They just … don’t care much. They seem to enjoy each other’s company much more. That’s not unrelated to my choice 30 years ago to move away and make my own family.

I am very grateful for the family I’ve built, but I still have a hard time living with what feels like lack of love or even like from my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You will find helpful resources and literature at https://adultchildren.org/

If you try an online or in person meeting it will help you understand and unpack your history and free you from the past. You will hear familiar stories and it helps break the sense of shame and isolation.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/ is particularly helpful re: healing, on your own, with a therapist or with a small group, typically virtually. You can find such a group at the link above.

You may also find this of benefit

Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08KHS41K4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1, the scapegoat is a typical role in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.

OP here. This is wonderful. Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

I know; I read the OP. What's your point?

My point was that the PP sounded emotionally tone deaf just like OP’s mom and brother. I thought maybe you actually are those people!

I'm not emotionally tone deaf. But OP is 50 years old! Look, I have some cousins I'm really close with and others I barely speak with bc we have nothing but blood in common. Different personalities, different interests, etc. At 50 OP should have made peace with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are an adult child of an alcoholic. (google that phrase)

The alcoholic family dynamic is toxic (not just the alcoholic, but everyone, so in your case, your mom and brother)

Go to therapy, OP, so you can get to the place where you truly can let go of the relationships you *wanted* with your mom and brother, but that they cannot provide to you. You need to grieve what you never got, and can never have. Then you can move on and make those kind of relationships with other people in your life (like, your current family)

Hugs to you, OP.

All of this. If you’re not seeing a therapist, please consider it asap. You deserve the space to unpack these very real feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathy for you but a 50 old needs to be more mature and practical.

You don’t feel sympathy. Please stop telling yourself you’re a caring person. You’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I feel a little uncomfortable reading this post. I have a sister like this. She lives out of town, has a lovely life of her own. Very busy with her life, work and kids. But she is different from the rest of us who live here in that all her daily experiences are different from ours. Part of it is she doesn't call to just chat. She only visits once a year during the holidays. When there are issues with parents, she isn't on the ground here to help.

We love her, and we don't exclude her per se, but she doesn't want to be in the thick of the day to day here. In reading your post I wonder if her feelings are hurt as well because when she does come there are a lot of stories about all the things we do that she is excluded from.

That said, it probably comes across as a whole lot more of togetherness than actually happens. We all have our own busy lives here as well. But we do see each other more than once a year that she sees us.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. It seems like what you’re describing is not similar to my situation. Part of the exclusion I feel is because my mom and brother consistently decline my requests to come visit. I finally gave up this year after my mom declined my fourth request to come visit her, even offering to stay at a nearby hotel so as not to inconvenience her.

They don’t actively dislike me. They just … don’t care much. They seem to enjoy each other’s company much more. That’s not unrelated to my choice 30 years ago to move away and make my own family.

I am very grateful for the family I’ve built, but I still have a hard time living with what feels like lack of love or even like from my mother.

OP, I wonder if it is something with your brother and how he feels, and your mother feeling she has to "side" with him since he lives there. And frankly, many women who have close relationships with their sons really hang on tight, not wanting to let other "females" into the mix. I don't remember from your OP, but is your brother married? If not, I would think he really is driving the train.

Whatever the case, I'm sorry, OP. I know it hurts to feel like the lesser loved/unloved child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are an adult child of an alcoholic. (google that phrase)

The alcoholic family dynamic is toxic (not just the alcoholic, but everyone, so in your case, your mom and brother)

Go to therapy, OP, so you can get to the place where you truly can let go of the relationships you *wanted* with your mom and brother, but that they cannot provide to you. You need to grieve what you never got, and can never have. Then you can move on and make those kind of relationships with other people in your life (like, your current family)

Hugs to you, OP.

All of this. If you’re not seeing a therapist, please consider it asap. You deserve the space to unpack these very real feelings.

I think you really need this, OP. A place where there is the time to really deep dive into the genesis of this relationship and if there is any way to salvage it.

[Anonymous]

Can you share examples of what makes you feel excluded / unloved? Can you think of any reasons they might act / feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 50-something woman, wife, mother, successful professional. I feel so deeply unloved by my family or origin and cannot shake this feeling and how it impacts me still to this day. I’m from a mildly dysfunctional southern family, or maybe it’s a wildly dysfunctional family. My father is king dead from alcoholism. My mother is the kind of person everyone loves to be around, beautiful, engaging. She lives near my brother, who is also that kind of personality.

They routinely exclude me from things, discourage and even decline visits from me. It’s not that they don’t say they love me. They just don’t act like it. I feel so incredibly unloved by my mother and brother. Like the black sheep. By all outward measures, I should not feel this way. But I do. And it surely impacts my relationships with my husband and teenaged kids. What is going on with me?

Have you ever discussed this with your mother and brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you don't live near them. Your visits would interrupt their flow. You wouldn't get their inside jokes. Focus on the family you create.

It’s OP’s mom or brother!

I know; I read the OP. What's your point?

My point was that the PP sounded emotionally tone deaf just like OP’s mom and brother. I thought maybe you actually are those people!

I'm not emotionally tone deaf. But OP is 50 years old! Look, I have some cousins I'm really close with and others I barely speak with bc we have nothing but blood in common. Different personalities, different interests, etc. At 50 OP should have made peace with this.

Not feeling close to some cousins is very different from feeling unloved by your parents. Your parents/siblings are your first relationships. Feeling rejected by those people can undermine your sense of self. It can be very difficult to feel like a worthwhile person if you family of origin does not seem to care for you at all.

And one thing that happens to a lot of people who experience this is that they just put it behind them when they leave their families of origin and might think they are over it. They make friends, forge relationships with others, have kids. But as you age, and especially if you become a parent, you discover that your childhood stays with you forever. You might think those wounds are gone, but they'll come back up in surprising ways at mid-life. You cannot run from your past. Eventually you have to tangle with it. That's what OP is dealing with.

If you haven't been through this, if you had a loving family who made you feel wanted, count yourself lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 50-something woman, wife, mother, successful professional. I feel so deeply unloved by my family or origin and cannot shake this feeling and how it impacts me still to this day. I’m from a mildly dysfunctional southern family, or maybe it’s a wildly dysfunctional family. My father is king dead from alcoholism. My mother is the kind of person everyone loves to be around, beautiful, engaging. She lives near my brother, who is also that kind of personality.

They routinely exclude me from things, discourage and even decline visits from me. It’s not that they don’t say they love me. They just don’t act like it. I feel so incredibly unloved by my mother and brother. Like the black sheep. By all outward measures, I should not feel this way. But I do. And it surely impacts my relationships with my husband and teenaged kids. What is going on with me?

Communicate your feelings to your father, mom and brother. They may not know your love language and feel the same. What do you got to lose? If that doesn't help than see a therapist.

That being said, who cares if they don't. You are a grown woman, focus on your emotional health, physical fitness, kids, husband, home, career, hobbies, , charity work, social circle.

I disagree. They don't know? They may have narcissistic tendencies, or scapegoated OP while making her brother the golden child. Even in milder versions of all of the above, it will affect someone like OP and the ones who set up this structure whether cognizant or not, have no interest in changing it. Instead OP needs to look into what can make her feel better, and probably connect with parts of her self that went through this ie Internal Family Systems by Jay Earley is an interesting read.

[Anonymous]

After my father died, I found myself in a similar role in some ways.

Having a therapist I speak with regularly has been very helpful in sorting things out.

I realized that my mom is a narcissist, and while she loves me, I simply cannot expect empathy and kindness from her.

My sister has other issues but simply can't focus on me as she has a lot of issues with her immediate family.

Sorting all of this out has helped me immeasurably.

[Anonymous]

You must first explore and process those childhood feelings in order for you to release what you have internalized. Free to reach out if you looking for a psychotherapist. I specialize in Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Family Conflict and life transitions.